Baby

 

My husband and I met and married pretty quickly.  Our first date was January 3rd and we were married by December 12th.  So I guess it was no surprise when we found out we were pregnant that March following our wedding; we liked to work quick!

We were making plans to attend our wonderful cousin’s wedding in Northern California and decided we should make a little romantic weekend out of it and spend a few days in Wine Country as well.  We were completely surprised when I woke up the day before our trip to a positive + sign on a little white stick. But oh so excited!

I think I was especially excited because it is what I had dreamed of since a little girl!  Meeting and marrying Prince Charming.  Having a cute little baby with him and becoming the dearest of words: “Mommy.”  Our excitement overflowed and so did the planning. I am pretty sure Babies R Us saw me weekly if not more…..  Multiple baby showers in the various states I had lived in were planned.  A nursery was designed and set up.  Name books were underlined, dog eared and highlighted.  It was all I could talk about and think about.  I breathed baby all day.

When I was about 28 weeks pregnant we visited one of those 3D Ultrasound picture studios.  With my bare belly sticking up, and friends and family on Skype, thanks to state-of-the-art technology we were able to see our little boy’s chubby cheeks and tiny fists floating through his watery home in my womb.  Of course I cried.  Such a beautiful experience!

The next morning, as soon as I hit my office chair, I emailed out to all my friends, family and co-workers the ultrasound pictures of our beautiful baby boy.  Immediately emails and texts came rolling back in saying how cute he was and how they couldn’t wait to meet him!  And my cup overflowed.

But what I didn’t know was there was a woman I had made cry.  I didn’t know she had been trying for 4 years to get pregnant.  I didn’t know she had multiple in vitro fertilization attempts that didn’t work.  I didn’t know she had 6 miscarriages that she had grieved through in the past few years.  I didn’t know that my baby pictures I rejoiced over and emailed to her just broke her heart because I could have a baby but she could not.

Days later I was told of her sad news through a friend.  I was asked, per her request, not to mention my pregnancy and baby around her nor to send out any more pictures.  And, even though I saw her almost daily, I was to not mention my pregnancy whatsoever. And I am ashamed to say I got angry. Here I was, in the happiest time of my life, and I needed to be quiet.  I needed to hold my joy.  And I felt cheated.  Cheated out of the joy of my pregnancy.

But what I didn’t realize at the time was she felt the same way: she felt cheated out of the joy of being pregnant.  She felt robbed of the chance to have life growing in her womb and being called mom.  She was heartbroken.  And I had just added to her grief.

Years later, I am now pregnant with baby #3.  I have been blessed to have had no complications or real issues with any of my pregnancies.  And yet I feel overwhelmed most days to have 2 toddlers and a newborn on the way.  I get frustrated when I can’t get into the shower because my daughter won’t let me put her down.  I get frazzled when I can’t make a meal because my son is screaming every time I walk into the kitchen because he wants to do puzzles NOW.  I get emotional because I still never get to sleep through the night.

And yet I know that same woman, whose heart I broke, would ache for these moments.  She would give anything to feel this wanted or needed as a mother.  She would happily embrace all the child issues I take for granted.

I was thinking about Hannah in 1 Samuel chapter 1.  She was loved dearly by her husband and yet mocked by her husband’s other wife, Peninnah, because Hannah did not have a child.  Hannah was taunted and teased.  I can only imagine she felt inadequate in her role as a “wife” to produce but more so her heart was in anguish to hold the gift of a child in her arms.  And she had a woman close to her, her husband’s other wife, constantly emphasize Hannah’s lack of a child to her face.

You see what I’ve come to understand is that infertility is mostly a silent grief.  Just as I had, there are women who have dreamed since they were little girls about having a baby…. and then they have come to the shocking truth their “happily ever after” may never come.  Many people don’t discuss their attempts to get pregnant or their inability to conceive.  Instead they keep trying over and over, month after month, quietly in sorrow for what they might never have.  Hope followed by discouragement.  Faith succumbed to fear.

I will never know what those who deal with infertility face.  Until we reach Eternity, we may never know why someone who wants such a precious gift will never be able to have it. But what I can say to my friend whose heart I broke, and all the other women and couples who have bravely faced infertility for years is this:

You are courageous.  You are full of hope and strong.  Your heart is filled with a compassion and desire I will never experience to the same extent; however, I pray I will learn from your gifts of patience and trust.  I am sorry for not being sensitive to your needs.  I am sorry for the all the times I have whined and complained about my child’s sleep issues or toddler problems instead of recognizing each and every moment as a gift from God.  I am sorry if all my stories of motherhood and baby-life have come across as painful jabs to your heartfelt desires.  I am sorry for not understanding your pain and grieving with you instead of jealously wanting my joys to be more important than your sorrows.  I am sorry for not holding your hand, praying with you, hugging your neck, and telling you you don’t have to be silent in your struggle; you are not alone.  I will promise to learn from your brave heart to hope and trust and keep on believing in God even though you don’t understand His ways.  I promise I won’t take for granted the gift of my children as I learn from you each and every day what a blessing they are.

Friends, especially mommies, I encourage you today….. you may not know if someone is dealing with infertility.  They may keep quiet in their struggle.  But let’s not be like Peninnah who took jabs and taunted what she had over Hannah.  We may not ever intentionally mean to discourage anyone but let us pray for discernment to whether or not our words and actions may hurt our friends who are like Hannah.  Instead let’s offer loving hands of hope, faith and encouragement to our sisters and friends who bravely persevere on.

This friend that I had hurt with my ultrasound photos….  despite my foolish heart and frustrations against her, the day she met my infant son for the first time, she swept him up in her arms, held him close, began to speak and sing soft words of endearment to him.  And I can tell you it was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever seen.  For a woman so filled with pain, to show my son so much affection, made me repent of my hurtful spirit and hope somehow my son brought her joy… if even for that moment.

And I would love to stay in touch with you all!  You can always find me on Facebook and Instagram for more words of hope and finding the joy in every day life.

 

UPDATE: I am honored and humbled by the number of responses I have received from this post. Your stories have blessed me and please know I will be praying for you.  And to everyone reading (especially those who are mommies), I ask for your sensitivity if you comment as the goal of this post is to encourage and inform… To bring comfort and joy somehow.  Thank you for your help in this!

   

363 thoughts on “I Could Have a Baby but She Could Not

    1. Rachel

      wow this is amazing to see that someone recognises the silent grievers i am one of these women who cannot fall pregnant & am having trouble & christmas day i found out my brothers part er is pregnant i wanted so bad to be happy for the but i felt like someone ripped my heart out it was probably one of the worst feelings i have ever felt but i will support them & be happy as i believe they should be able to be happy but yes i do hope they are sensitive to me as my heart is tearing
      Thank you for writing this it has touched me so much xxx

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      1. Natasha

        I know how you feel. My husband and I were trying for two years when we were finally able to see a fertility specialist…. in those tow years 4 of my cousins got pregnant and had their babies. It was really hard on me…. it got to where i cried every month when i got my period…. and every time someone else i knew got pregnant. My husband was the only one that really knew how hard it was on me…. he was so supportive though…but God blessed us through fertility treatments and iui . … our baby girl is now 15 months. Through our experience we learned that it’s all about God’s time.

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        1. KimH

          The year we learned we could not have children was the same year FOUR of my siblings were pregnant at the same time. It was so hard, I cannot even describe it. Six years later, we’ve been blessed to adopt two beautiful children. Even though I’m now a mother, I still have a hard time going to baby showers. I think since our diagnosis, I’ve only gone to two.

          I’m sometimes surprised at tht times pain about infertility sneaks up on me. I’ve been pretty good for a while, but just recently a friend from church gave birth to baby #9, and I just sat there staring at their beautiful photos, feeling the horrible inequity of it all. It’s a pain that so few people can really understand, but kindness and sensitivity go a long way.

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    2. Kaytlyn

      I too have yet to start trying but I am so scared that I cant. The fear is overwhelming and most times when I think of it I just sit and cry. I’ve always wanted to be a mommy and I’m afraid my endometriosis will rob me of that.

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      1. anna

        I have a friend who just had her 2 nd baby,she was also told she may never have kids because of her demetrioses!she got married at Age 36 , got pregnant ,5 months later!Now she has a ,7 and,1 year old! Good luck to you

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      2. Katie

        I have a friend that struggled through this….but eventually it happened for her….hoping this will bring u comfort it is possible!

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      3. Linda

        I am a great grandmother now, but in the beginning I lost 2, then had 3 boy’s, the last one, handicapped and thought he would not live long, he is now 47 and lived a Happy life helping others which he dearly loves. Then had a difficult pregnancy and a little girl we adored. Then lost 2 more. Decided to adopt a baby girl, waited 2 & 1/2 years for her, in the meantime a son came to live with us as an older child. We love all of them so much. Life has not been easy, but I wouldn’t change any of it. Sometimes God Has other plans for us. I know how bad it hurts to wait, and the loss. I feel sorry for those who are suffering, please try to remain positive and search for happiness by helping others in positive ways, turn to God for guidance and hang on to your Family, The most preshus gift we can be given.

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    3. Krissy

      Thank you so much for this beautiful article. My sister just told me that her and her husband have a baby on the way after only 4 months of trying. My husband and I were absolutely crushed that after almost 2 and a half years of trying that we still haven’t had our miracle. We have prayed, but due to the fact that I have PCOS we have started to come to the realization that it might now happen for us. Which breaks my heart. I feel selfish for asking her to not talk about her baby so I won’t go as far as that, but throwing the baby shower and everything I will definitely need the strength to get through that

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      1. Susanne

        I have PCOS as well and I have two beautiful daughters (now 13 and 10). I know everyone is different but there is hope!

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      2. Felicia

        I too have PCOS I just want to write and encourage you not to give up I have one healthy 7 year old and after 2 miscarriages and years of trying I am pregnant with my second. It is hard with PCOS but I an living proof that it is possible. I’ve been through a lot of heartache since my first born with dozens of negative tests and feeling as though it would never happen again I had given up all hope and had accepted that I would only have one blessing and then out of nowhere I found out I was pregnant again. I once again encourage you to not give up hope it can happen and I’ll be praying that it does happen for you :)

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      3. Jessica

        Don’t give up hope! I also have PCOS and endometriosis, and was told that I would more than likely never have children. Though it took us several years of trying. I now have an 8 month old baby girl! Never give up!! God does amazing things!!

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    4. SD

      i am one of these women you right about. We are just as ashamed of our feelings toward pregnant women. We are all human and can’t help our feelings therefore we hide them in shame. It breaks my heart to see someone rave on about their excitement when they find out someone is pregnant I walk away in shame and hide my tears. You really hit the nail on the head with your post.

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      1. Deb

        On my 63rd birthday I read this post and all those feeling from years ago came flooding back. As one of the ones who has never been pregnant, I remember the painful, heart wrenching times. Time has changed that and I KNOW that God designed me for something else. He had plans that I did not see and definitely did not understand. But at 63, I celebrate my life as an awesome daughter of the MOST High and revel in His plan for me. I am so happy that he guided me through that pain to the other side, but I appreciate the sensitivity of this post. I love the life I’m living because He has charted it for me. I trust Him to do the same for others. I hope this brings hope to others who know the pain.

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    5. Amanda

      I too am one of those women that has infertility/unexplained. I hurt everyday because of this. I cry late at night why me what have I done to have this happen to me. I’m only 34. I pray everyday God send my blessing babies to me. But I keep my faith cause God said he would give me the desires of my heart if I delight my self in him. So I keep my mind on his promise. I can’t aford ivf it cost to much. I don’t want to be in debt for life. How will we live? Thank you for your understanding this means a lot. This is truly silent hurt. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Thank god my husband said he will be okay if we don’t have any kids. But as a women this is what I was made for. Thank you for the prayer.

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  1. Rebecca

    I know several women who are dealing with infertility….and it breaks my heart. Thanks for the reminder to be sensitive and for the story of Hannah from the Bible. You are a great writer And I enjoy the blog!

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    1. Victoria Aviv

      I have referred multiple couples to a infertility clinic in Brno, Czech Republic. They have a very high success rate, especially with women over 35 years of age. I have 3 children, because of this clinic! There is a coordinator here in the USA that will help people go to clinic. I used her and she’s very good. http://www.myivfalternative.com

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    2. Margaret

      Yes, we are just as ashamed. I went through secondary IF, and I can recall hiding in the mall bathroom for an hour and a half just sobbing hysterically because I’d gotten more bad news that day, and walked right past a baby clothing kiosk. For years, I hid anyone on my FB who so much as though the words “I’m pregnant.” I was horribly ashamed of it, but every time I saw an ultrasound pic, I’d end up in tears. All you ever hear is, “Why can’t you just be happy for me?” It’s not that we’re not happy for you, it’s that we’re horribly sad for ourselves. I know people who had healthy, wonderful, beautiful babies while I was struggling with miscarriage after miscarriage, and finally unable to get pregnant at all. That’s not to mention the havoc it wreaks on your marriage and sex life (which becomes ALL about trying to get pregnant, and just having fun with your spouse ceases to happen at all, especially if it’s not a fertile window). Every day starts with IF on the brain (charting, anyone?) and ends with more desperate research to find anything that might help. Mucinex, pomegranate, checking cervical position/mucus… It’s your entire life. And the one thing you devote every thought to is the one blessing denied over and over again. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this.

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  2. katie

    Thank you so much for this post. I am one of those women you wrote about. I just am getting over my second miscarriage, and I’ve had to deal with the jabs, FB posts, etc. (of course, none done intentionally to hurt me! I realize this!)

    It is true. So many women suffer in silence over this. My blog has turned into something of a infertility outlet, and it has been so good and healing for women to TALK about this. There is so much strength and support when women can let others into their struggles!

    Thank you so much for this sensitive, heartfelt and sincere post. Truly needs to be said, and I am so glad you were caring enough to say it! Many of us struggling with infertility thank you!

    Coming by from SITS!

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    1. tammy Post author

      Katie, thank you so much from stopping by from SITS but more so thank you for sharing your heart and kindness. There are no words to say what you and so many others facing infertility go through but I will say my heart and prayers are with you daily. I am so glad your blog is blessing others and I know God will use it to bring Him glory through it all. Please let me know if I can do anything for you or your blog.
      With thanks,
      Tammy

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      1. Laurie

        I just would like to say, never give up. I understand this so well. My husband and I waited about 5 years after we were married, to try for a baby. A few years later I saw a specialist where I did shots and AI, nothing worked. The doctor said there was nothing else he could do. My heart felt so broken. I have three sisters, who all had kids, and it was really hard. I later joined a group called Hannah ‘ s Prayer Group. Just a couple of months I became pregnant, we were so excited. I went for my first checkup, and found out I was pregnant in my tube. The night before I was going to have it removed I started bleeding internal, and had to have emergency surgery. I lost one of my tubes, and lots of blood. Several years went by we it us still trying. I was about 34 and found out I was pregnant again. Then I started bleeding, lost twins. We were so upset, couldn’t believe this was happening. I never wanted to give up, I new my age was getting up there, and that worried me. About 5 years later we were going on a camping trip, for our 17 wedding anniversary, and something just told me to take a pregnancy test. I did and it was positive. Nine months later I had my perfect baby boy. 8 lbs 12 ounces 21 1/2 inches long. I turned 40 one month after he was born. I prayed so much for him (and so many people praying for me) so for those of you who are still trying to have a child, I pray a child is born to you. GOD IS AWESOME.

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        1. Christine

          I too was blessed with my baby boy the month before my 40th birthday after waiting 11 years which included miscarrying triplets. My baby is now 9. There is always hope. GOD IS GOOD!

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        2. Sonja

          Wow! thanks Tammy for posting this. I just miscarried for the 2nd time right before Christmas. I have been married for 10 years and I am turning 40 soon. These stories give me hope that I will soon have my child. Although I want to try again I am scared but I have been encouraged to let God take over. Just pray for me ladies. For a moment I lost hope but now I must pick myself up and believe that God will give me my perfect baby. My wounds are still fresh and I am still in shock.

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        3. Angie Scheie

          Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am 35 and enduring an ongoing battle with infertility. After numerous treatments, one finally worked only to lead to a miscarriage at week 10 (right before New Years). I am heartbroken and discouraged, but stories like yours help. And thank you Tammy for your compassionate post.

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    2. Jessie

      My husband and I suffered through the heartbreak of 2 miscarriages as well. We now have a healthy, beautiful little boy! There is hope.

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    3. Jasmine

      I had two miscarriage and than it took me two years before having my first child.. which than followed with 6 more… I am now a grand-mother of 9 grandkids.. and yes.. I went through the pain of lost with the miscarriages and thought I would never get pregnant after two years of trying.. but somehow finally it happened.. I have felt both side of the coins and understand how a woman feels when she is unable to have a child and the happiness of sharing such a great joy as well…

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  3. Heather

    That’s such a hard situation to be in. I always worried with each of my pregnancies whether I might offend someone, and I lost a good friend over me having kids and her – not. Not much you can do, but I think you handled it well!

    Stopping by from the SITS Sharefest!

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  4. Rosemary

    I went through 3 miscarriages and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with. But thank you God, I now have 2 wonderful, lovely daughters, who are my life. And yes I also have a close (best) friend who cannot have children and my heart breaks for her. Your blog is sad, beautiful and true all at the same time. Thank you

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  5. Pamela Frost

    This is an incredible post! I do felt both emotions. I struggled with infertility, but was able to finally get pregnant. So I know the pain of feeling jealous and sad because I wasn’t getting pregnant, and then when the miracle finally happened for us twice, I was able to experience the joy of pregnancy and childbirth. Thank you for writing about both sides of the story.

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  6. Carol. Cardin

    Hello Tammy. I’m so glad for you and your husband. Oh the joy of children,see I have three grandchildren beacause God blessed my daughter in law and son. As an adopted child I pray for families today . God has great plans for us His children. Be Blessed today and always. In Christian Love Prayers. AARRON ‘S. MOM

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  7. Ashley

    So true…..I have pcos and struggled to get pregnant for 4 years…..that Painful jealous anvil to the heart each time someone else announced a pregnancy even though I tried to be happy for them……the anger every time I saw another post that oops we’re pregnant again guess it’ll work out……it’s hard to get that negative 52 months in a row…….and now that I have a beautiful son…..I adore him…..but I also miss the time I used to have with my hubby…..I miss having time for a shower every day……but I know I wouldn’t trade this for the world

    Reply

    1. tammy Post author

      Thank you for sharing with me your story Ashley! It is so amazing to hear from some one who has been on both sides of the story. I know God will use it to help others. And I miss showers sometimes too. :)

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      1. Audrie

        I too have been on both sides. We tried for almost 5 years to have a baby. Finally, we have been blessed with 4 wonderful girls. Then my oldest daughter got pregnant and she chose to place her baby for adoption. She was raised knowing how desperately we wanted children and couldn’t, and she knew she couldn’t raise her child. It’s hard, yet I am so grateful that she chose to bless someone else’s life by sharing her baby with them. God does have a plan for his children and families.

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  8. Kathy

    I’m really touched. I’ve had a miscarriage 10 years ago in October. It was really heartbreaking for me at the time and point in my life. But I’ve learned that it most of been God’s timing for that to happen at that time. I’ve learned back in 2010 that I have pcos. Which I deal with that and some of the side effects from pcos every day. I just wish that some people would actually read up on the history of pcos. I do believe that I will be able to have children one day with the help from our heavenly father. I’m trying my best to do what I can to be able to become pregnant. Thanks for writing that for some people who many not know that there are some people who do deal with conceiving and other infertility issues.

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    1. tammy Post author

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with me Kathy. I agree; so many people do not even understand all that goes along with infertility and conceiving….. Myself included but I want to learn more. Thank you for helping to teach along your journey. I will be praying for you. xoxo

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    2. amandacheek2010@gmail.com

      This is a very touching article. I have pcos as well and only one good ovary. My husband and I had a miscarriage almost five tears ago; we had been trying for a long time to conceive. I now have a beautiful one year old daughter. There is hope and I pray your dreams come true! I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles!

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  9. Krystal

    I’ve been trying for ten years to become a Mom. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 Endometriosis. Dr gave me a 5% chance of ever becoming a Mother.
    Thank you for this article.

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    1. Alicia

      Krystal, please don’t ever lose hope!! I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2003 after having surgery to remove my right ovary, had a miscarriage soon after and then in 2008 was given a 5% chance or less of conceiving on our own if it didn’t happen within six months (second surgery was July 2008). 13 months later I found out I was pregnant! All with only one ovary. God can do more than doctors ever can. I now have 2 healthy little girls after fighting infertility for 7 years. God is bigger! I will be praying for you.

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      1. G

        5% chance of ever becoming a mother? Or ever conceiving a baby? After 11 years of ‘trying’ I finally had to ask myself- Do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mother? Shorty thereafter we adopted the most precious jewel in my life! No doctor gets to tell me if I will ever be a mother or not! It may have taken 14 years. But the wisdom I gained in that time is what makes me the mother I am today:) Be encouraged!

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        1. Dawn

          Nicely put. I am the mother of 5 and never got pregnant in 14 years of dealing with primary infertility due to PCOS and severe endometriosis. But I still chose to be a mother.

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        2. Jacqueline

          G, I had to do the same thing… after 6 years of every kind of test, treatment, injection, procedure possible, I had to ask myself that very question…. What is my goal? To be pregnant or to be a Mommy… The answer to that question let me know that I was ready to change my path and begin the journey of adoption… Adoption is the most difficult yet most beautiful and rewarding thing I have ever done… I have four beautiful, special, and unique children who call me Mommy… and I am their Mother in every aspect of the word… I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these are the children that were meant to be mine that I could not get here safely… so thankful that God knows what is best for me and had a much better plan than I could ever have imagined….

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          1. J

            Jacqueline – I am not a cry-er — especially after 4 IUIs and 5 IVFs and 7 canceled IVFs — but this line made me literally burst out in tears: “I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these are the children that were meant to be mine that I could not get here safely.”
            Just wanted to say thank you. Also to “g” for the OP about motherhood vs. conceiving. You guys touched my heart and brought some light back in.

    2. jessica

      I was diagnosed 1 month after my 20th birthday and 4 months after my marriage with endometriosis. I had surgery 2 times in 3 years with miscarriages. I left my husband 4 months after surgery because he wanted children and couldn’t deal with it, so he cheated and beat me. I felt worthless. I met someone and 12 days to the day of dating I got pregnant. waves of emotions everywhere. I found out on my 23rd birthday I miscarried yet again. I was early and I was getting use to it. I went back to my doctor to start yet another round of menopause and the doctor said I was still pregnant. I had been pregnant with twins and lost one. I was almost 3 months along. I had a very difficult pregnancy and then almost lost my life during birth. He was a healthy 7lb 12oz, 20.5in long little boy. He was born with cmv( cytomegalovirus)
      He is now totally deaf and blessed with bilateral cochlear implants. He is a strong, smart now 6 yr old little boy. He is my miracle!!! ladies be strong and keep your faith no matter how hard it is. I am now facing my hysterectomy due to the endometriosis, but I will survive. Its never easy, but stay strong!!

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    3. renee

      My daughter has suffered several years with endometriosis. She has had surgery once. At this time she has quit all birth control and meds in hopes to become pregnant. Could you please tell me what stage 4 is? They havent ever given her any “stage”. Thank You.

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      1. Jennifer

        Endo has 4 stages… Stages 1-4. Stage 4 is the highest grade, meaning she has quite a bit of it. She should search for a specialist as soon as possible. Look at hystersisters.com, it’s a good site with good info.

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      2. Abigail

        My Aunt had endometriosis so badly starting in her teen years that she ended up having multiple surgeries to attemp to help her live in less pain. She was on meds to try to help, they were very doubtful that she would be able to conceive. She is now pregnant with her fifth child, DONT LOOSE HOPE, God is a miracle working God!!!!

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    4. Lisa

      I was dignosed with endometriosis at 15. I strongly were you to find a Dr who specializes in infertility! I have had 7 surgeries altogether. Before the 4th surgery at age 20, my Dr started talking to me about if i wanting children. I was single at the time but I wanted to be able to when the time was right. Well, during that particle surgery, I had a very large cyst rupture and my left ovary was completely distroyed by it and it had to be removed. I was shocked by it when I woke up and was told that it actually increased my chances of becoming pregnant with only one ovary. My tubes were also completely blocked for all 7 surgeries, and my uterus was upside down conected to my colon all 7 times. Finally after the 5 th surgery at age 24, I wasn’t single and found out I was pregnant 6 months to the date after that surgery. My daughter is now 7 and absolutely perfect. I did have to have what they call an ablasion to control bleeding, and 2 years later my uterus and cervix had to be removed. I do still have one ovary and have had to start taking hormone replacement 5 years later. But before I found this specialist, I was told by about 8 different Drs that I just had cramps and tobtake midol. The first visit with a specialist, he pressed on my stomach and said we need to schedule surgery, he knew instantly that he could make me fertile when the time was right. Never give up hope.

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    5. Jodi

      I too was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis and premature ovarian failure. I was given a less than 1% chance of ever conceiving on our own. After years of trying and many fertility treatments we now have 3 beautiful children. 2 from in-vitro and one little miracle who found a way against all odds. Don’t ever loose hope!!! May you find the peace and comfort from our Savior to keep you going.

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  10. Melanie

    In all honesty, I have mixed emotions about what you said. I struggle with PCOS every day of my life. I see my friends go through pregnancy after pregnancy, complain about their kids, lose custody of their kids because they were selfish, etc. Yet I have to sit back and be happy for them while I’m silently punching them in the face in my mind. I’m 25, have an amazing boyfriend and we’re just starting our lives together. We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and I’ve had my fair share of miscarriages, negative pregnancy tests and tears. He doesn’t seem to understand why I get so upset. Neither does anyone else.

    In women who struggle with infertility, our needs are far more sensitive than someone who can easily pop out kids left and right. One of my best friends just had her 4th, yet she doesn’t have custody of her first 3. She tags me in every status about her baby, rubs it in, and it hurts my pride. I’m happy for all my pregnant and new mommy friends. I really am. But, I also wonder if it’ll ever be my turn. People younger than me starting their family. My Facebook friends posting their ultrasound or pregnant belly. When will I get to experience this?

    I was a bit upset when you stated that you felt like you had to sacrifice your happiness for someone else. I wanted so bad to call you selfish, to say that you were uptight and selfish. But, I’m not that kind of person. I understand the excitement; it’s a very exciting time in your life, and you want to share it with everyone. What a lot of people don’t realize is that not everyone will share the same excitement. It’s not that they don’t want to. They may not be able to emotionally. Your happiness might be eating away at them inside. Coming from someone who has been told that I would need help with getting pregnant, but nothing has worked so far, I dread going on social media anymore because every day it seems like someone is getting engaged or married, announcing their pregnancy, and I’m just stuck here, unemployed at 25 because I’m struggling to find a job, infertile and depressed, waiting on my boyfriend to get home from his job so we can try to start a family (with no luck).

    I can’t say I understand both sides of this, because I’ve wallowed in my own sorrow for too long. 3 years ago is when I lost my baby. We announced it on Christmas, and lost the baby January 6th. That was the closest I’ve ever been to being a mom. And ever since, nothing. I really hate to be a bitter person, because I’m always smiling and cheerful. I just want to be a mom, more than anything in this world. That’s why this upset me. I held resentment in while reading your blog over and over again.

    But, despite the resentment and looking past your excitement, I thank you for sharing this. I thank you for realizing that not everyone is as lucky or as blessed as you are. And I hope that are raising your children to respect the feelings of others.

    Reply

    1. tammy Post author

      Melanie, I thank you for being brave and sharing your story. I can look back now and say I was being selfish during the time I was referring to in my post… I honestly didn’t realize it at the time. It was okay for me to be excited I was pregnant, but it was wrong for me not to be sensitive and considerate of her feelings. And that is exactly why I wrote this piece. I want other women, who may be pregnant or mothers already and not understand infertility, to learn to be sensitive and caring and offer prayers of hope. I hope somehow this blog does help promote a bit more of understanding to those who may have been like me…. Melanie, my prayers are with you. I am praying for your miracle and for continued hope but I also pray for peace. I don’t know you personally but you are thought of and prayed for…. I will promise you that.
      XOXO
      Tammy

      Reply

    2. Barbara

      Don’t give up.. I tried for years and was able to have a son at age 30. Metformin was very successful for me also a friend of mine was lucky as well. Keep your dream alive and maybe one day it will come true. Good luck.

      Reply

    3. Lacy Pittelkow

      I cried through this entire article. I thought when I started reading it that it would be a story of loss, but it wasn’t, it was a story of happiness while someone else’s heart broke. I am that someone else. I am the woman who has had 4 miscarriages, went through IUI’s and IVF only to fail. I Am the woman who had to delete my Facebook account just so I no longer have to hear others good news. I am the woman who had to tell one of her best friends that I could not see her for a while as I could not deal with yet another pregnant belly. I am the woman who when someone mentions someone else’s joy I feel filled with anger. I am the woman who feels so jealous, so angry and so very sad.
      I appreciate anyone trying to understand because you will never know the hurt and the pain and you will never understand the longing but thank you for trying to be considerate and understanding. I hope one day I can also feel your joy.

      Reply

  11. Kristie

    Thank you for this… Over 5 years of trying. Not once have I gotten pregnant. BUT!!!! God moved our hearts to adoption and just adopted our son. He is amazing and we couldn’t be happier. There are other ways to have a child… So many children long for a mommy and daddy as much as we long for children. We became foster parents, he moved in and over a year later he became our son. :)

    Reply

    1. DrewAnn Lee

      Thank you so much for mentioning adoption and telling your story. This brought me such joy. Thank you so much Tammy for letter. It was very encouraging to me. A little back story, I have Dilated Cardiomyopathy, This is a heart degenerative heart condition to where your heart is twice as large as it is suppose to be and the valves don’t touch, so blood flows everywhere. I have had this since I was 8 months old. I had open heart surgery when I was 4 and died 3 times. Everyday was a toss up if I was going to make it. I came through after 5 months in the hospital. They gave my a life expectancy of 16. They said there is no way I would live past this point. By Gods grace He let me have a wonderful life and I am fully functioning. I take 27 pills a day but I am only 22 but my husband and I have been married for almost two years. We prayed and prayed and prayed about what we wanted to do in concern to children once we were married. As up to this point I knew any kind of pregnancy would be hard but at least I thought it was possible. My husband has always said he wanted to adopt. He told me this before I even told him I had my condition. But 3 months before our wedding I got a phone call. My doctors had been holding conferences about this and had meetings and researched. They told me is was a death sentence to carry a child. I know I am fertile. I could get pregnant right away. So it hurts so bad because I feel like its right out of reach. I can see it I just cant touch it. I really needed this post. I am nervous about starting our adoption journey but I know God will be faithful and give us grace when needed!

      Reply

  12. Nik

    My wife is one of those women who can’t have children of our own. It hurt to see people who could pop them out like candy, dudnt really want them, didn’t really appreciate them, or had more than they could take care of and we can’t have any. Family was the worst. Her sister had 2 kids and had bunches of inlaws on her husbands side that had lots of babies and she always pushed them on my wife to hold them. Let’s call her Anna. Anna had no idea my wife was really hurt by this every time. My family told us to do invetero fertilization cuz it worked on my cuzin. They had a hard time understanding my wife could not have them. God put too many strikes against us.

    So hopefully this brings recognition to the people on this side.

    We tried for 3 years and 2 surgeries w no real results. So we decided to adopt. That was another 2 year process. But we got an adorable baby boy. He means the world to both of us.

    Reply

    1. tammy Post author

      I am sorry for the long journey you have been on but I am excited for you on the adoption of your son! Congratulations!

      Reply

  13. anel

    Thank you for your post. I am on the other side of the fence looking as slowly all of my friends start their families. Sometimes I am ashamed to feel jealous. But I know it’s all part of God’s plan. Thank you for you beautiful words.

    Reply

    1. tammy Post author

      XOXO Don’t feel ashamed. It’s a lot of feelings and emotions and I understand that. But you are trusting in God’s plan and that is beautiful my friend.

      Reply

  14. Keri

    God is the one who provides comfort. 4 years of infertility with many surgeries and procedures, God had bigger plans and we had to trust him each step of the way.

    We welcomed our son Aug 29, 2014 through adoption. I could not imagine life without him.

    Reply

  15. Sophi @ Simply Sophisticated Blog

    after yet another negative pregnancy test this morning, I needed this post. Think you for your sweet and kind words for those of us struggling with infertility. It definitely is a lonely time and so many don’t realize how every pregnancy announcement stings a little. I’m truly happy for my friends that are pregnant, but if I hear the words “just wait until…” As if that is supposed to make me feel better because when there is the possibility that “until” may never happen, even the negative things are things you want. Thank you again for bringing this subjet to light!

    Reply

  16. Crystal

    Thank you so much for these words!!! My husband and I have been trying for atleast 5 years now and still nothing. Went through all the testing and still nothing. I am surrounded by friends and family having children and I love them all to the end of the earth. But no one but my aunt understands what I am going through. It is very difficult watching everyone having that joy while I sit and wonder “when is it going to be my turn”. Although I now have a brand new niece and nephew who I thank God for everyday, I am jealous of my sister-in-laws for having what I have always dreamed of. But you are right. Thanks to all the new technology I was able to witness the birth of niece.

    Reply

    1. tammy Post author

      XOXO I will pray for you on your journey. I have friends going through the same process. You are very strong and brave. I admire you so.

      Reply

    2. Kari

      Reading through this tears fall down my cheeks as I can relate to so many posts and this article. I understand what you are going through, sounds very similar to my situation. Like so many others since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mother. That classic fairy tale of meeting a great man, getting married having a family and of course living happily ever after. After 14 years, many tests and many rounds of medication I have been blessed with 2of the 3. Although the 3rd is missing and have been told without invetro will not happen I have received a blessing I never expected. I have a beautiful niece and nephew. You see I am an only child, so being an aunt was never something I expected but had honestly dreamed of. So although I may never hear the sweet sweet sounds of being called mommy, being called ‘Aunt Kari’ sounds pretty great! :) My husband often tells me that he feels God is saving us from a much bigger heartache by not allowing us to have a child. I have to believe in this and trust in the Lord. Its not always easy, but with my faith, my husband, friends and support like these posts from others it helps remind me of the blessings I have. Thank you for sharing, I will pray for you. God Bless.

      Reply

  17. Jessica

    This very much registered with me and made me cry. I was you, we had planned on starting to try for a baby and it happened easily and quickly.

    The only difference is when I went to share with family members, there was one I didn’t want to tell, because I knew how hard she was trying and how badly she (still) wants to be a mother. I shared my excitement, and my cousin of course was happy for us, but she couldn’t help but share her pain. She never meant to hurt me, and I never meant to hurt her, it just was. And after the initial shock, all was well.

    Now she loves my little girl with all her heart, and I pray every day she can feel the same joy. Now it’s a matter of not taking things for granted with my amazing cousin in mind :-)

    Reply

  18. Laura

    Although I have two healthy boys, ages 3yrs and 6yrs, I did miscarry twins at 11-12 weeks of pregnancy between the two. I have a sister that has not been able to conceive nor has she been able to afford IVF due to income bracket. I know if I had not had my Savior to pray to for comfort, my oldest son at home, a loving church family, and my other family members; I would have been a mess. That happened in Sept 2010. Thankfully, I found out Dec 26, 1010 that we were pregnant again and rejoiced in having a healthy pregnancy. I can relate to some of these women to a point.
    I have other friends that have gone through a full-term pregnancy only to lose their precious child moments or months later due to either chromosomal development issues or complications.
    To those of you that don’t know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, it’s even more difficult to endure these situations. I know I will see my children one day in heaven. I am so thankful for a perfect, sinless being that became human form, ministered for 36yrs here on this earth, then died on a cruel, rugged cross to be the ultimate sacrifice for MY sin. Not my sin only, but for the sin of the whole world. I was saved at the young age of 6yrs old and was raised in a Christian home. Neither of my parents grew up in a Christian home, but they strove to do the best they knew how. The Bible, IS the ultimate “guide” for everything. I know as a parent, as a human being, that I struggle to follow the scriptures like I ought to. I also know that I have a God that is forgiving and he picks me up each time. He dusts me off, and sets me in the right direction. It is then up to me to choose whether or not I will do what is right and what HE wants me to do. Please feel free to contact me for more information on how you too can know Christ as Savior!!!!!

    Reply

    1. Aimee

      Love hearing people rave about my Guy too! Where would I or my children be without the saving grace and mercy of God’s gift…. the blameless blood of Jesus! After struggling with years of addiction, wasted talent, and more guilt/shame that one person should carry, my (brought up Catholic) behind was brought to the rugged cross of the Saviour who told me to lay it at his feet and that if I would trust in him, he would deliver me from addiction, restore my family, and give me eternal life. Seven years later, I am still sober… Never struggle with “urges” because I’ve been DELIVERED from the Bondage of satan… And SOME DAYS I struggle to raise my adolescent twins with patience and understanding, but I’m always SO humble and THANKFUL THAT I WAS GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE TO RAISE THEM RIGHT. Ladies, never give up hope! Never. We serve an AWESOME GOD, who in HIS timing will exalt u to right where ur supposed to be. Faith the size of a mustard seed, my sisters in Christ, delight in the Lord and he will give u the desires of ur heart.

      Reply

  19. Leanne

    Thank you for writing this. It put me in tears. I was lucky to have very few problems with the pregnancy and birth of my daughter. My dream was always to have 2 children. After years of trying to convince my husband (who changed his mind after my daughter and decided 1 was enough), he gave me the green light. After many failed attempts, one of my closest friends became pregnant. One who constantly made a point of saying she never wanted children. I put on the best fake smile I could for her, as I kept on trying. Then one by one, those closest to me suddenly found themselves pregnant. Women in awful life situations. Women who never wanted kids, or who already had 4 or 5 and couldn’t even afford those. Women with abusive partners or those with the maternal instincts of rock. I finally got some hope, and lost it a week later as I had a very early miscarriage. Then all the world was set right again when I got the brightest positive you could ever see. I cried so hard, like I never cried before… and they were tears of indescribable joy and relief. Until something went wrong, and I ended up at the ER, only to find out I was losing my pregnancy to tumors. In one night, I went from ecstatically pregnant, to being told I’m losing the pregnancy, have tumors, and might have cancer. That was followed by surgery to remove the tumors, and weekly tests for months to monitor for cancer. And once it seemed like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel in that ordeal, and like I may be able to try again in a few months, I came down with something else. Again I’m faced with a unique medical situation and the possibility of a severe diagnosis, but no answer in sight after countless tests. Miscarriages and difficulty conceiving do sometimes come with or result from medical problems.

    I am not one to keep my issues a secret, but most women are. Society encourages us to keep it to ourselves. If you’ve never been through it, and never see how deeply it affects those of us who have, you will not think that much of it. It is difficult to understand a situation you haven’t been in. I applaud you for trying to look at it from a new perspective.

    Reply

    1. Carol

      Isn’t it interesting that at 62 years, reading this brings back the tears, now with understanding. I married at 30, wanted a large family, but felt there was no rush and became absorbed in my work, expecting it would just happen. I did not get pregnant, went through 8 years of treatment and surgeries while everyone else became pregnant. I don’t remember being angry or hurt, just initially sad, when learning of someone else’s pregnancy. At age 42 we adopted our newborn son, who will be 21 next month. My son says I am a lurker on Facebook, but I only post what I believe can be shared with the world, understanding that almost anybody can access what I write. With that in mind my deep sadness or ecstatic joy along with the details I probably would not share through social
      media. The support of family and church ties would be my first line of tears or rejoicing . I caution my son about his use of Facebook emphasizing that so many people have access, not all with same perspective. All said, this is a tough call, but a good. conversation. Thank you and may God continue to bless mothers in every season with wisdom and compassion.

      Reply

    2. tammy Post author

      Thank you so much for sharing your story Leanne! I believe a voice helps so many. I will be praying for you on your journey. XOXO

      Reply

    3. anna

      Thanks for your post. I understand the part where you talk about your husband not letting you get pregnant.I was married for 2 1\2 years when my husband gave in to try having a baby. I had a healthy pregnancy ,went full term but our baby girl died during delivery. I was ready to start again right always,but my husband said NO for the next 9 years,then we decided to split up.I felt so much rejection those 9 years. I was totally healthy and had gotten pregnant on our first try.Now facing everyone asking if I was pregnant yet, and I dared NOT tell them what our problem was,.seeing all my friends having babies was so hard.I was alone for 10 years after that,then when I finally found a good husband I was in my mid 40s,I did not dare to start a family at that age plus I was blessed with 2 daughters from my husband,who were 5 and13 at the time, I am eextremely thankful for them but I still have a void in me they could not fill.Now we have a 9 month old grandson,it makes me cry to see the close relationship he has with him. And yes without Jesus in my life I don’t know where I would be today

      Reply

  20. Deanne

    Infertility is not the only cause of not being able to have children, either. I was diagnosed with a rare cancer at 22 and had to have a hysterectomy. I had only been married for 6 months at that point, and all of our hopes of having a family of our own were taken away with one procedure. We divorced later down the road because he wanted a biological child of his own and now I could no longer give that to him.

    While I love being an aunt to all my friends children, and an aunt to my nephew and niece, I will always wish that I had one of my own. I have made peace with it and I know that I could adopt or have a surrogate mother and that’s wonderful. But that doesn’t replace the fact that I’ll never get to be pregnant. I’ll never know what it feels like to have a tiny life growing inside of me. I’ll never get to go to ultrasound appointments with my significant other or share those moments with my mother.

    I hope your article will help people to understand, and thank you for putting it out there. And just as a PS. for everyone reading, on Mother’s Day, please only tell people that you KNOW are a mother to have a happy Mother’s Day. I know for me, it’s one of the hardest days each year to live through and I would imagine it is the same for others in this or a similar situation.

    Reply

  21. Eunice

    Thank you for blogging about this and your awesome attempt at trying to educate women and even men (you know they’re reading even though they will deny it) about infertility and trying to move their hearts and minds to become more sensitive about this subject and life. Thank you for your beautiful words, heart, kindness, understanding and prayers. Although I read a few comments here today that allow me to see that your words have fallen on some blind eyes and hearts it is an amazing start and I am truly thankful.

    Mine has been a 9 year journey today at the end of 2014 of procedures, failed attempts of in vitro fertilization and medications and surgery which started soon after my husband and I got married. My husband and I were married in 2005 and although our hearts desire was to start a family right away that was not the case. My husband and I have been dreaming about having children since WE were children its one of the many things that drew us to one another.

    We have put off many of our other dreams in order to make this a real one to no avail. Maybe thats not a good thing and doesn’t make sense to others but it has to us.
    In my journey I’ve been very vocal about my infertility and how women like me struggle, hurt, experince loss, mourn, and even despair. It does often feel like God will not hear a prayer but we know He is there. He is the main reason I keep fighting for my blessing and haven’t lost hope.
    I haven’t been silently patient and had moments of expectations which ended in empty arms that made me cry and scream from the pain. And even asked, Why? Only to have others painfully mock or minimize my hurt, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. At least that’s what it felt like.
    I have never shared these words to hurt others, make them feel sorry for me, frustrate anyone or God’s plans, have them judge me, or give me answers as to why ,only God has the answers but more often thsn not that is exactly whst happens.
    Just pray with and for me, share that even when I’ve lost hope for the miracle to occur for me you haven’t.
    My hope is that people will continue to educate themselves more about the subject of infertility and that often times its closer than you think.

    I have learned so much about people, mourning and how to love in my infertility journey and hope to continue to learn.

    Lots of Love to you all of you for sharing your hearts and care.

    Reply

  22. Stephanie

    This is so familiar to me. I’ve had three successful pregnancies. My best friend has pcos. She has one child that she loves and adores but yearns for more children. Having the one child was a long struggle with miscarriages prior. In 08 her and I both found out we were pregnant. Very exciting time. At 12 weeks she found out she miscarried. I knew I had to be sensitive to her feelings. I was right by her side and never spoke of my pregnancy again. I felt if I did I would be rubbing it in her face.
    Again in 2012 she became pregnant again. Such an exciting time. Her sister was pregnant as well. At 33 1/2 weeks pregnant her sisters baby had to be born still. He died. She then felt guilty for being pregnant. At 9 weeks along she miscarried again. After that miscarriage i announced to her I would be honored to carry a baby for her if she wanted me to. I hope that I can one day give her a gift of life. Thank you for writing this. I will be sharing it with my best friend.

    Reply

    1. Kim

      your an amazing friend. I too struggle with infertility. 4 endometriosis surgeries, I cancelled IVF, 1 chemical pregnancy, and now in the process of using a donor. You an amazing woman to do that for your friend. Best of luck to both of you.

      Reply

  23. Susan Wyatt

    My story is on our web site. It is too long to write in a reply. I have never conceived a baby. My 3 sisters gave birth to 8 children between them. Finally it was my turn. I am the Mother of 2 amazing children…Hannah is 31 and Grant is 29. My husband and I became parents through the “gift of adoption.” For 23 years, God has allowed Family Adoption Services to be a part of adoption for those who cannot conceive a child. We work daily with women & men who desperately want to become parents and with women who choose adoption for their unborn baby. I could write for hours. However, my reply to what you have shared is your beautiful blog…2 women made me a Mother. I would not change that for ANYTHING in the world. As I read your blog I was surprised that somewhere deep in my heart, I felt an ache.

    Reply

  24. Bridget

    Your story has really touched my heart. I have 3 blessing from God and treasure every day God gives me with them. But I also have a family member who has had several miscarriages and lost a sweet baby girl. I ask of you please pray for in her struggle to try agin. She is so scared it will happen again. It has been over a year since her lost of Olivia. She wants to try again but is so scared. Please pray God gives her strength. Thank you in advance.

    Reply

  25. Collern

    I am one of those women who could not get pregnant. I am grateful for your sensitivity on this subject. I though never became upset or depressed when my friends announced their joy. I was hsppy right along with them. My faith let me be joyous. My response when asked about having children was always if God wants us to have children he will provide. After 14 years of marriage he did. A beautiful son from Ecuador who I love as much or more as a child from my own womb. He is now 16 and he is the joy of our lives. I have been in the shoes of infertility and felt we would have a child free life but if you believe and have hope God will provide someway or another.

    Reply

  26. Courtney Svoboda

    I am 21 i was on the depo shot for 5 years i went off of it in 2011 or 2012 and i was never able to get pregnant so my mom and i just thought i couldn’t have kids. I turned 21 on monday sept 2nd of 2014, the Friday before i found out i was 6 weeks pregnant. I am excited and upset at the same time bc my finance and i were broken up at the time and it is some guy who likes to sleep withevery he meets,i didn’t know that when i met him. My fiance loves my little boy that’s due in 16 weeks like he was his own. I’m so blessed in one of the worst of times Antony and hunter have shown me a bright light and future.

    Reply

  27. Tamara

    My story is a little different… after 8 years of marriage to my husband who has 2 children from his first marriage, we decided to try to have one together. After my husband’s 2nd child was conceived, he had a medical condition that required surgery causing him to no longer have children naturally. I was aware of this when we married in 2004, but I knew he was who God meant for me and that if we were meant to have a child God would take care of it. In 2012 we began IVF and we found out in May 2013 we were pregnant with twin girls due feb. 4. This was the result of inserting 2 embryo and they both took! We were over the moon exited & shared or news with our family and friends. On Friday September 13th I woke in the middle of the night soaking wet. I went to the emergency room to find out that the water for one of my girls had broken at only 19 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was hospitalized and kept until both girls were born. Railynn, the baby who had no water, stayed in my womb for 10 more days and then was born at 21 weeks. She weighed only 11 oz and she lived less than an hour. Rhyleigh, however stayed in my womb 16 days longer. She was born at 23 weeks and 2 days at 1lb 2oz and then she lived 20 days in ICU. So after I spent 28 days in the hospital and my 2nd twin spent 20 days in ICU, I still went home empty handed on October 30, 2013 when she gained her angel wings too. That time in my life had been the hardest ever and I still have days that I struggle. Many people have asked if we’ll ever try again, and at this point I’m truly not sure. My youngest sister is also facing infertility and she has made one attempt at IVF so far but it was unsuccessful and she miscarried. I know God had a plan for both of us and a reason for the pain I deal with having lost my twin girls. I also know several people have made comments around me that have caused me pain simply because they have what I am missing, but I don’t feel as though others should have to hide their joy to shelter my pain. I may have a breakdown, usually away from others, but that is a part of who I am now and I truly feel that walking in this world with that type of pain will cause you too only grow stronger over time. Thank you for sharing so others are aware of the silent pain so many of us face every day.

    Reply

  28. Ashlee

    I love this I’ve been trying for the last 4 years and been told since I don’t have a menstrual cycle I’ll never have kids =(=(=( those words broke my heart I’m only 21 and have years ahead of me but like any other I would love to experience a child growing inside me to bare a child I do have a stepson =)=)=) currently 5 he is a blessing gift from god wouldn’t know what to without him I know god works in mysterious ways I’ve seen it myself just wanna let everyone out there who tries and tries y’all ain’t along

    Reply

  29. monica

    My story falls in the middle of the road I guess. With my first I actively tried naturally for 7 yrs. To finally b blessed with the pregnancy of my now 8 yr old daughter. and again it took a long time for me to conceive, almost 8 yrs. I found out I was pregnant this past July n am due in March. I’m excited but definitely know how it feels to go months n years without the positive test. I just see it as God has a plan, and sympathize with all the women who aren’t as lucky.

    Reply

  30. Momoffour

    I tried for many years to get pregnant. I watched my siblings and friends have babies. I became a foster parent and adopted 3 little girls. I continued trying to conceive for a few years after. I was still fostering for 3 little guys after adopting and before they went home I got pregnant but it ended in a miscarriage. I had a decent relationship with my foster boys biological mom as they were transitioning back home. She found out about the miscarriage and said to me, you must really hate women like me. To which I replied yes. (In my head of course.) I didn’t hate her. I did learn that day that God kept me from getting pregnant because I had something important to do. Be a mom to my girls, a foster mom to her boys when she needed help taking care of them plus 9 other children over the years. It was only when that was done did I get pregnant with my son. Had He given him to me first, I wouldn’t have my precious girls and I wouldn’t have helped other children who needed it. I am not sure I would have ever thought to. God has a plan. We just need to trust Him.

    I know the feeling of being on both sides of being and trying to be pregnant. I am grateful to have experienced both. It’s a good reminder though, to remember to be sensitive while I’m complaining about these terrible teen years because I know what it’s like to wish for the love that goes along with all this craziness!

    Reply

    1. Kim

      you a wonderful woman. I pray this round of IVF with a donor egg works for us. We thought of fostering, but I’m being selfish. The thought of getting attaches and giving back the child brings me to tears. Your an amazing person. Thank you.

      Reply

  31. Dee

    Thank you for your article. I have been married more than 20 years, and we have not had children. Being a mom was one of the three things I wanted to do in my life, and now I am trying to come to terms with the fact it won’t happen, short of a miracle. I am a little different from your friend though. It is painful when people my age are having grandchildren & former kids in our church are having children. However, I like seeing the posts & pictures even though it also makes me feel very, very sad. Rejoicing with the new mom is the closest I will get to being a mom, and when I get to finally hold each of their babies, somehow God gives me grace to love & adore that child even though it is not my own.

    Reply

    1. Sara Runions

      Dee,
      I have to agree. I have been ttc for 10 years this month. I had 2 miscarriages 2 years in and nothing since. I was diagnosed with PCOS 3 years ago. Without help, or as you said a miracle, it will not happen for me. I am 30 years old and surrounded by pregnant friends and family. I have chose to embrace it instead of hating God. I was not always in such a place with my faith. At the times of my m/c’s, I was so angry with Him. I didn’t understand why He had chosen me to walk this path when ALL I’ve ever wanted was 1) be an in live housewife, 2) a mommy to as many babies I could squeeze into my “fertile period of life,” and 3) get my psychology degree to help counsel those in real need(it was/is my spiritual calling). I had fallen in love and gotten married and had enrolled @ a university in the Psych dept. I was following every spiritual nudge I had ever felt, yet I felt like I was falling short of the graces of our Lord. But time and prayer and faith has made me come to the conclusion that everything has purpose, and maybe that the purpose my angels had was to get me to a raw, emotional state that could be molded to His purpose to help those He wanted me to help. I went on to get my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and still considering returning for a Master’s or beyond. I have decided that I really want to use my education and experiences to help others that are freshly going through what I went through in the past. This post really touched me to hear that infertility has touched a person that hasn’t had to experience it, is just amazing. It is so easy to think that we “infertiles” live in a dark, little closet and no one else is affected by what we are going through. It is so touching to feel this love and compassion for the pain we have not because we have lost (even though some of us have), so much as because we haven’t yet received what we long most for. I hope to be as much as an inspiration and faith builder as the the lovely author. My prayers are with all of us through all of our struggles. With the mommy of 2.5 kids who is barely managing to get through the day because she is overwhelmed at every turn. With the young lady that’s been married for 3 years and trying to conceive just as long, but has the same heartache month in and month out, a Big Fat Negative test every 30 days. With the older (but faithful) lady that has long raised her family and now feels forgotten and lonely. With the women God has chosen to do great things and are following His lead blindly and the devil is throwing doubts in at every turn. My prayers are with all of these people and I can only hope that everything that I have been through, has turned me into the vessel that God needs and that I will be rewarded for my faithfulness. Thanks Tammy for reminding me that I am not alone and that we all have purpose, and also that even in our joy, there is always someone who is hurting that could be affected by our news. God bless you.

      Reply

  32. Kim

    Than you so inch for this. We lot our first at 14 weeks and have been TTC since. My husband got news about a sudden deployment in early July and left July 20th. I’ll be 29 next week and some days my heart still aches.

    Reply

  33. Ashley M.

    What a heartfelt post! And so very true!! My husband and I starting dating at 16, by 18 we were living together and wedding bells at 20. We both wanted a family. After a year with no positive pregnancy test, we went to the doctor. After test came the tears as the dr informed me that I wouldn’t be able to conceive & carry. I was broken. I felt like I not only lost my dream but I took my husbands chance away too. And during this process everyone else from our friends, baby cousins an younger siblings were having babies. They had what I couldn’t have. I went to baby showers with a smile on my face, an a broken heart. My sister in law, so graciously felt my pain. She came to me and asked if I would like to be with her when she gave birth to my nephew so I could have some experince of birth. I was honored and jealous. It was a blessing, I’m forever thankful for! Yet it made my heart ache even more. I prayed so hard for so long. I honestly thought I was being punished for something. I was surrounded by babies an toddlers. I was the go to babysitter, after all I didn’t have any children so of course I enjoyed snuggling everyone else’s babies. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. After 5 years I got my 1st positive pregnancy test! God answered my prayers and blessed me with a bouncing baby boy. My only birth child. I was never able to conceive another baby, but I do realize how blessed I am to have my boy! I remember how it feels, and pray for others who struggle with this. It’s a truly unexplainable ache.

    Reply

  34. Stacy

    Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone, being a “mommy” was all I wanted since I was about 16. Though I did find and marry my best friend we haven’t been able to conceive. Since I’m over 40 now, I’ve come to terms with this as best as one can. We adopted 2 cats nearly 6 yrs ago and I treasure all they have given me, though I understand they can never truly replace a child. I’ve chosen to believe God has a plan for us too and hopefully one day I will be able to understand it. May your kind words and story of compassion and understanding continue to help others. Best wishes to you & your bundles of joy!

    Reply

  35. Loretta

    Thank you so much for writing this article. You are right on with everything you shared and your insights are much appreciated. We struggled with infertility and, after testing were basically told that we would be unable to have children. As badly as we both wanted children, this was real hard to hear. We decided to go the adoption route and it took us 9 years. During that time, we had 2 failed adoptions (one mother changed her mind the day that we were supposed to get visitation). I understand her feelings and was not bitter towards her, but it still hurt. These two failures took me to some dark places emotionally and spiritually due to the level of jealousy, anger and frustration. But in a strange way, that “dark place” was my new beginning. It was at this point that I just turned everything over to God and decided that NOT having children was ok too and that even though I couldn’t take ownership in the term “mommy”, like so many other women could, I still had gifts, talents and abilities that I could use and that realization of self value brought peace and acceptance of a life without children. Then God presented a third opportunity for an adoption and this time we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl who is now 16 and is the center of our lives and a true blessing. So, I understand BOTH sides of the story and, having “been there”, can tell you that infertility was one of the hardest struggles that I have ever gone through.

    Reply

    1. Sdeshazer85

      I tried to have a child for 10 years. Every since I was 18 years old. I was married had a happy home. But no baby. 8 years into my marriage I became pregnant and lost it at 2 months. Tried all kinds of things. Drs just said sorry not going to happen. My husband and I divorced and I moved back home. 2 months later met my new boyfriend and we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. God knows what he is doing. We don’t like it, I know I didn’t, but now I see. I am in a truly loving and safe relationship where as before even my dogs would run to their beds when he got home from work. Trust God. I know I do.

      Reply

      1. Loretta

        Lisa;

        As you said (and as I discovered as well), there were a lot of tears, anger and yelling when no one was around. I blamed everyone, including God. I too was healed through God’s love and grace, but it took awhile – a LONG while. In a strange way, that journey made me a much stronger person and has anchored my faith in a whole new way. I rejoice with you in your healing and the fact that you have embraced who you are. May God continue to bless you as you share your story with others.

        Reply

  36. Jeep

    Thank for your reply. That was very hurtful. It is known that child rearing, raising a child etc. is hard. But until you know yourself the pain that infertility/subfertility causes, you shouldn’t compare that pain to anything.

    Reply

    1. Lisa

      I am so very thankful for your post. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 4.5 years. We won’t be able to have a child together because even InVitro is out of the question for us. We have decided that we would like to adopt. Unfortunately, we have already had two failed adoptions in less than a year. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. I have so many friends and family members who have children. Many times I feel left out of conversations, or I feel as though I’m pitied. Other times, people say hurtful things without knowing they’re causing pain. You’re right, many times infertility is a silent grief. This blog has helped me in many ways. I’ve shared the link to different people because you were able to put into words exactly how I feel. I have read, reread, and cried every time I think about this post. Thank you so much for helping not only me, but for giving a voice to those who feel voiceless.

      Reply

      1. Kelsey

        Prayers to you Lisa, you are a strong woman and I hope you someday will be blessed with what God has planned for you and your husband.

        Reply

      2. PJay

        My wife and I have been through the rough ride of adoption as well. The agencies do try to prepare you as much as possible but you don’t expect it to be nearly as difficult (or expensive) as it actually is. We have gotten as close as, My wife cut the umbilical cord at delivery, and I got to name the adoptive child and then the mother decided to keep the child. My wife was so heart broken but god bless her heart, when she talked to the mother after her decision, she was so supportive of her and raise no voice in protest. I was so furious that I spoke no parting words to the birth mother. Not furious for me (although I was very upset at the loss of our little family) but for my wife who’s heart was breaking in front of me and there was nothing I could do except hold her. Its a special kind of pain that few will ever understand.

        Reply

  37. Lisa

    what a lovely blog. I too am that woman you are writing about. I married my best friend later in life. We didn’t start trying to get pregnant until we were in our late thirties. After several procedures and two heart breaking miscarriages, I chose to walk away from it all. I was told to find someone else’s eggs and that wasn’t what we wanted. I grieved quietly and loudly. Yelling while driving back roads is quite cathartic. I felt angry with my friends who seemed to get pregnant and stay pregnant so easily. I felt (sometimes still do) lost about who I am and will be in the future if I can not be a mother. And I cried a lot. But I read another woman’s blog about this thing with motherhood or no motherhood. I realized my grief about not being a mother is no bigger than your grief about not having a girl or whatever someone may be grieving. Grief is grief across the board. And with that knowledge and lots of time, I began to heal. Now three years later, I am still blissfully married to my best friend, Prince Charming. We just bought our first house and hosted our first Christmas with my family. And I am happy with my life. I still occasionally feel the twinge of pain over never being a mommy. But I am happy for my coworkers that are expecting and plan to hold her newborn (well maybe…we will see). But I wanted to share my story because I am proud to feel healed and whole again. I worked hard at healing and want all of the other beautiful woman out there who are grieving to know you can be more than just someone who isn’t a mother. We can give love to everyone around us. We can have a full life including the ability to take a shower alone and make a peaceful dinner minus puzzles. We just have to chose to embrace the life we have and accept that. Thank you again for the lovely post!

    Reply

  38. Kim

    Thank you for this post. We have struggled with infertility for years and have tried all fertility treatments and 3 IVF’s not one positive. I have endo stage 4 and only a 3% chance of ever getting pg. We finally stopped all infertility treatments and moved to adoption. We have a beautiful son that is 6 months old. Even though our family is complete my heart as so much ache to have a child of my own just to be pg and see that positive sign. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away but we are so lucky we were able to adopt.

    All these years of going through treatment and still today every time you hear someone is pg your heart breaks a little bit. I used to get so jealous and still do but not as bad with each announcement and baby shower. I pray to everyone that when you are complaining about puking all time while pg, each ache and pain you have and then all the sleepness nights to remember there are so many out there that would give up everything to go through what you are going through. While we are so happy that a new life is about to be born we are also very heartbroken that it’s not us with that new life.

    Reply

  39. Pingback: A good read… | victoriaagredo

  40. Anna

    I was that silent griever for 10 very long years!! After lots and lots of “trying” and yes every single month, with or without drugs, with or without medical help, we finally have a 5 month old son and is he ever precious to us…but sometimes when I haven’t slept much in days and once again he seems to be having teething pain, yes I do long for my carefree and solitude of my infertility days…but never ever would I want to give him up…my friends treat me now as if I never had infertility and act as if I will go on to have a large family…that is very hurtful also…All those years of hurt pain and shame will not be wiped away by the birth of my dear son…while it does put a soothing cream and band aid on those wounds…they are still there. We do not know if we ever will have another child, although we long to have a sibling for our little one, Only God knows. We exhausted our finances with 4 iui and 4 ivfs before we had our miracle and unless God provides more finances or gives us and unmedicated miracle we will fully enjoy the one good and wonderful gift from him….Thank You for writing such a beautiful and truthful article….

    Reply

  41. Dacina McNabb

    Thank you so much for this… I, too, am one of those women you wrote of. I have been blessed to have a best friend with a heart as beautiful as yours. I love her little girl with every part of my heart and though I long deeper when I spend time with her and ache when I see my husband share a moment with her, I don’t let the pain and jealousy cloud that love. It’s difficult. The line between happy for them/sad for us is the thinnest I’ve had to walk… But as you said, in the reverse, we can’t let the most painful moments of our lives take away from the happiest of yours. Thank you for this blog.

    (I just realized I’m already following you on WordPress!)

    Reply

  42. Ashleigh

    Thank you for such an amazing ibsige on this subject. I am on that can’t have children and I am happy each time a friend has a baby but it still doesn’t stop the hurt if knowing I can’t have that!

    Reply

  43. Amanda

    I’ve never responded to a blog post before, however, your words truly touched me. I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis right before I was 21. I was single, still in college, & here my doctor was telling me that if I ever had hope of having children, I needed to do so in within 2 years. I met & married my husband by 23 & now 5 years after my diagnosis, we are going to start trying for a family soon. Even though I physically haven’t started trying yet, being told something like that is completely devasting. I had to tell my husband before he even proposed that there was a good chance I could never bare our children. There are days and weeks, when this thought and fear consume me & break me. I had to delete all my social media sites back in the summer due to the majority of my feed was either announcements, ultrasounds, pictures, news articles & websites and status updates. Then one day during my rock bottom phase, a friend group texted me and said she was pregnant with her 3rd. I immediately started crying from the deep pain I felt. I wasn’t emotionally ready to deal with that and here I was involved in a group text where my phone was blowing up the rest of the day full of congratulations and asking baby questions. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been genuinely happy for all my pregnant friends. I dearly love them and their children. It brings me great joy when I can hold them and read to them and babysit them. I love it. But those of us who struggle with infertility or have been told that there is only a slim chance to conceive, with each announcement comes deep deep pain and a deep deep fear. I told my husband who was having a difficult time understanding it all at the time, take your biggest Dream you can ever possibly Dream of coming true. Now imagine that dream is also your biggest fear in life. Then imagine that everywhere you look, turn, talk to people, your dream is their reality. It’s constantly shoved in our faces. TV shows and movies, songs, social media, family expectations, friends, stores. Everywhere you look it’s babies. And it’s wonderful & beautiful but it’s also so very difficult to live in that world but not really be apart of that world. Thank you for your blog and your post. Thank you for your senstivity and bringing light to the subject. May God Bless you and your little ones. Prayers for all these beautiful ladies who are struggling.

    Reply

    1. Kim

      I feel your exact pain. Men just don’t get it. I to am unable to have a child of my own without IVF. So far it hasn’t worked. Now we move on to a donor egg. May this time work.

      I’m sorry for your pain. I know what you mean about social media. Some days I just want to jump through and strangle them for there announcements. Lo,

      Take Care
      Kim

      Reply

  44. Hannah

    I stumbled on this post this morning and I found it very touching. I myself have struggled with infertility and a miscarriage. It is an extremely hard trial to be given, but I feel like I have come out stronger for having gone through it. My eyes were open to how many women struggle with infertility. I saw so many bitter women. Ones who were angry with other women who are “fertile myrtles”. On the other hand, I saw women who bore their trial with courage, strength, and endurance; and I admire them for it. When the realization came to me that I have infertility I was angry at first, but then I decided I didn’t want to be a bitter infertile women. Yes my heart ached when I saw friend after friend get pregnant, but I chose to rejoice with them in their happiness. I found my trial was not as hard as it used to be when I chose happiness over bitterness.
    Thank you Tammy for using the story of Hannah. As you can guess I found a connection with Hannah; maybe more than others because we share the name Hannah. She had a great desire to have children, and probably felt mocked by Peninnah; but let us not forget Hannah didn’t give up. Yes she had a hard time, but she endured. She took her sorrow filled heart to the Lord and prayed for a child. She didn’t give up. She didn’t let Peninnah’s fertility hold her back from living. Hannah still worshiped our Lord, even though it took a long time before He answered her prayers. And He did answer her prayers! Like He answered mine.
    A month ago I gave birth to my son. I am finally a mother. I dreamed of that day for so long. I wondered what it would feel like to finally hold my baby. It wasn’t anything like I thought, it was much better. It probably felt better than I thought, because I waited for that moment for so long. If I could say something to all infertile women, please don’t give up and don’t be bitter. You will be a mother, whether you give birth or adopt. You will be the best mother to your child. Please hold on for them. You will learn patience, endurance, and strength. These are important tools used in motherhood. Lucky us, we get a great training before our children even come. Where other women have to learn on demand when they have a wailing baby. When our child cries we will be happy to hold and comfort that child. Please don’t be a bitter infertile women. Bitterness fills our lives with darkness. Rejoice with others in their happiness! You will find your sorrow will be lifted. You will feel the love of our Savior better because you chose to forget yourself and show love to others. Choose to be happy, no matter what happens.
    I am happy to say motherhood is much better than what I thought it was going to be. I am so thankful to have my baby boy. Motherhood is no picnic, but I find I am so happy to do it. I love holding my baby and I love seeing the positive effect he has on others already. He is beautiful. I know he will be a good and righteous man. He will help others and love them. He will show others that they are loved by our Savior and they are never ever alone. Hannah wanted a baby boy who would serve the Lord, and that is what I want. Hannah and I both had to wait for our boys, we finally got them, we want them to serve our Lord (as a thank you for answering our prayers), and they share the name Samuel.
    -Hannah

    Reply

  45. Tiffany Brown

    Hello,
    I must say when I started reading your message. I started to think that maybe you was about to rub it in that you could have children while others like myself can not. I married my husband after five years of working together, and it was the most beautiful thing I could have done. Eight months before we got married I found out I was pregnant and within 72 hours I found out I miscarried. Six weeks afterwards I passed out while my sister was in labor with my nephew. When I came through they told me a I was pregnant, but because I just had a miscarriage my doctor did two more weeks of test to confirm if I was pregnant again. It was true I was indeed pregnant again and was taking ever precaution known to man, but again I miscarried two weeks after finding out.

    It was very difficult for me and my husband, but after we got married and had more in depth test ran. We found out that I have a 3 out 10 percent chance of carrying a baby. Long story short we ended divorcing because of all of it. I still cry silently when I see expected mothers to be or newborn babies. The thought that I may never get the chance to eats at me every day sometimes I can’t sleep at night, because of the thought of it.

    Reply

  46. Shelia Kelly

    I struggled with infertility while all my friends were having children. I hated myself for being unable to rejoice with them. I went thru the motions of baby showers and congrats. But inside I was seething with jealousy. At my sisters advice, who also suffered with infertility, I came boldly before the throne of God and asked that he either remove the longing for a child, after all he is the one that gave us as women the longing to have children, or to give me a child. The next morning I woke up feeling like a burden had been lifted. Although I continued to try to conceive, I was no longer jealous of pregnant women, nor was I upset when I started my period month after month. Thru the grace of God, I did conceive a few months later and had a beautiful daughter. I understand what your coworker was going thru although I don’t think I would have ever sent word to someone to stop sending pics, etc. My cousin even chose a Christmas party at my house to announce her pregnancy. Everyone knew I was trying and had been for awhile. It was hard but I smiled and congratulated her. Later that night I cried myself to sleep.

    Reply

  47. Butterfly

    I am one of those lucky women who has two wonderful little boys and my third on the way. I have felt like I have to step on egg shells every time I get pregnant. You see, My husband is the youngest of five in his family and we are the only ones that have been blessed with the ability of having children. His family members have been very good about being happy for us, and it has opened my own eyes to the long and painful process that those who struggle have to go through. The hardest experience that I have gone through was my first pregnancy. One of my co workers and I were both married and pregnant close to the same time. As she was one week away from her due date she lost her baby and had him still birth. At work I felt like I could actually be happy and talk about how everything was going. After her still born birth, she never talked to me again, never worked together on the same wing, and I was asked to keep away from her. I could have been angry, but I understood what I stood for to her. I thank my Heavenly Father Every day for my little ones, and pray for those who struggle.

    Reply

  48. Kimberly

    I have been dealing with infertility for 9 long years, and lost my only pregnancy in a miscarriage. All this pain, but I have faith that God hears my cries and will bless me in some way, whether by having a baby of my own or adopting. Either way, I will not give up, and I love being an Auntie…

    Reply

  49. Teri

    Great piece! It’s rare to find someone who hasn’t dealt with infertility who has as much empathy for the situation as you do. Thank you! You may have guessed that I’m one of the people you wrote about. 4.5 years trying, 6 losses, 2 surgeries, countless tests, and fighting drs to get what I knew I needed. I’m very lucky and blessed to have finally given birth to my baby girl 5 months ago.

    Infertility is tough. It’s watching with your heart in your hand as months go past and more and more people are leaving you behind. It’s feeling broken and less than even though it’s not your fault. I tried hard to keep my love of life, but I fully admit that I cried with each and every announcement, ultrasound pic, etc. don’t get me wrong, I was THRILLED for my friends because I wouldn’t wish infertility on even the worst of enemies, but I was so HEARTBROKEN at being left behind yet again. Losses made that feeling cut even deeper.

    My heart goes out to those still in the journey and they are always in my prayers for a miracle of their own. <3

    Reply

  50. Cindy

    i was one of those ladies for a long time. I tried and tried for 8 years, divorced, remarried, tried another 3 years. All my friends had 1, 2, even 3 kids. I had to hear all about it. Let me tell you I prayed and prayed and it is all in God timing when prayers are answered!!! God heard my cries and prayers and finally he blessed us with a baby girl after so long trying. Don’t give up, seek God, in his time he will heal your body.

    Reply

  51. Dawn

    What a beautiful post! You’re right, so many women do stay silent because we feel ashamed that our bodies aren’t doing what a woman’s body is made to do. I am Blessed that after 3 years of infertility, the good Lord has blessed us with a Christmas miracle this year. I go in for an ultrasound on Thursday to make sure the pregnancy is viable. Thank you for making an effort to understand infertility and for the prayers you’re sending out to all those struggling. Infertility needs to be talked about more often!

    Reply

  52. kayla

    I have struggled with the fact that I can’t have kids for many years now, but lately its been much worse than ever because my best friend has 2 children, my sister is due if feb, and my cousin is due June. When I tell them how they make me feel I get told I’m being selfish (more so by my cousin and sister) so I have just started suffering in silence. My best friend knows how I feel and is there for me to talk to when I need her of course but it frustrates me when she gets upset cause her one daughter won’t go to bed, how I would love for that to be me. But I get thinking who are we to make our friends and family hide their joy about becoming moms. Then my sister gets me convinced that I might very well finally be pregnant and even though I told her over and over again that I wasn’t she convinced me to take two tests anyway both came up negative and I find myself hurt and heart broken all over again. Im angry at her for convincing me that for once I may get what I want and I’m mad at myself for letting her get under my skin that way but now she sounders why I don’t really want to talk to her…I don’t know maybe I am being selfish

    Reply

  53. Kerry Ellinger

    16 years of marriage. Married to my wonderful husband. Hard worker. Couldn’t ask for a better husband. 16 years later and the questions have dwindled… people are rude. People tend to believe that if you do not have children, you are selfish and have obviously chosen to be self centered and a “disobedient child of God”; after all its your duty to procreate. They do not know what it is like to beg God and try to bargain with Him for a child. Only for the answer to be no. I did not choose to be childless. Gods answer to my prayer was No. The 500th time I prayed – the answer was still No. Sometimes, Hannah doesn’t get her Samuel. Sometimes, its not 4 years of infertility later that end in a “miracle baby”….sometimes the answer is just NO. I’m mostly “ok” now. I still can’t “do” babyshowers. I know God has a plan. I may never know why. I just know I was told no. I would like to thank you for your article. Although I believe people who have blessed with children cannot really understand what a childless couple face, your article was the closest I have read. Thank you for attempting to explain it.

    Reply

  54. Amber

    At 24 I was diagnosed with PCOS, at 24 I was told there was a possibility that I was not going to be able to have children. I was crushed. I am now 30 and have had 1 miscarriage. As of yet, I do not have any children of my own but I have 1 niece and 4 nephews. I have never been upset with women for being pregnant and I’m sorry to all of you who have ever felt upset because someone has gotten pregnant while you couldn’t and to those of you who have felt like you couldn’t enjoy your time because you may offend someone. One day, I pray I will have children but if not it wasn’t in God’s plan for me but if any of you are ever pregnant around me please feel free to share your experiences!

    Reply

  55. Rachel

    I just cried through that whole post. We’ve been trying for two years, but haven’t given up yet!
    People can’t understand unless they’ve been there. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement!

    Reply

  56. Lizzy

    Thank you. My husband and I have been married for more than 2 years, and after finally seeing a specialist and going through testing we were told the only way we can conceive will be through in vitro fertilization. After praying over this and looking at our options, we came to the decision that we will take some time then move on to adoption. The ache is still there but the initial hurt is fading. There are days where even hearing a coworker talk about her baby’s newest noises or cute outfits will make my heart break and others where I coo over pictures with joy at what a gorgeous life she and her husband created. It really just depends on the day.

    You are right, though. Through this I have become more compassionate. I have made the choice to speak out about infertility and make this something we talk about. It’s not comfortable and it’s not easy, but I am praying God gives me strength to press on. One day I will be a mother — whether the child is mine biologically or mine in love– and on that day I am sure I will look back on all this pain and know it was worth it.

    Thank you again. I needed to hear this from someone in your shoes so I can remember your joy is as important as my pain.

    Reply

  57. Barbara

    I too have a family member that has been trying to get pregnant no luck and I pray everyday for her to get pregnant. If I could have a baby for them I would but I’m to old. I’m so thankful for your post because I never realized how sad and upset she was. I wish there was something I could do but I fill helpless. I know there are some young girls or women that have babies that can’t take care of them and here is someone that could give a baby such much in life especially love.

    Reply

  58. Sandy

    It means so much to read this. After several miscarriages followed by two ectopic pregnancies that hospitalized me, I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 30. All I wanted was a baby of my own. It was so hard to put a smile on your face and seem so happy at family and friends baby showers, the births of their children, first birthdays, etc… I learned to bundle everything up inside and tried to forget what hurt I had been through. I cried each and every Mother’s Day. I cried each time I received a call or a message that someone close to me was pregnant. Not that I wasn’t happy for them, but it was another reminder of what I never would have.
    My husband had two kids from a previous marriage, so even though he was by my side every step of the way, I felt that he didn’t understand the pain and heartache I felt. I finally realized that I had to talk through it and began to find peace with everything. It has been 5 years since my hysterectomy and I am finally at a place where I can talk about what I have been through and not breakdown, where I can truly be happy for friends and family and not cry by eyes out behind closed doors. Thank you so much for writing this. It meant so much to read this and your heartfelt words.

    Reply

  59. Angie

    I have struggled to have a child for the past 11 years. Pcos has prevented me. I was diagnosed at 21. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I miscarried 4 years ago when my husband and I could not stay together anymore. He was sympathetic yet an alcoholic and felt he was to blame. I have an amazing 3 year old nephew, whom I was fortunate enough to be in the room when my courageous sister brought him into the world. She is a single extremely devoted mom to a very well loved grandson and nephew. I was also able to help her daily through the first four months while he was sick. I have enjoyed the closest thing to motherhood an auntie can get! Thank you so much for your kind story and I wish more people could see life the way you do now! I hope you have a wonderful life.

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  60. Josh

    As the husband of a wonderful woman to whom I’ve been married to for 9yrs…a wonderful, loving, caring woman. One full of love to give, one whose abilities with children make me shake my head in disbelief…one who’s ONLY life goal is to carry and give life to a child…and yet, here we are 9yrs in…uncountable miscarriages…doctors bills…surgery’s…specialists…doctor visits upon doctor visits…and yet, no one can tell us why.

    I would give anything to give my wife this gift that she so desires…that I so desire. I sit and watch our friends have their first, second,third and sometimes fourth children….I watch them grow on Fave Book and in perso n….and at the same time I watch my wife’s face and reaction. It kills us both.

    I thank you for what you wrote. Its very hard to be on this side of the story, and must put on that smile for our friends…those baby showers…and act so happy for them while we battle the fight. I thank you for being one who realizes the struggle so many face.

    I wish you and your family well. Enjoy your children…I’d give anything to have a son to carry my last one along…a daughter to walk down the aisle….

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  61. Sarah

    I have never struggled with infertility. I conceived my oldest while actively trying not to. But I know the pain of longing for a child. For many many years my husband said “no” to another child for fear of financial constraints etc… every time another woman conceived and posted her joy and complained about nausea or backache my heart screamed “I would gladly trade places with you!!!!” I prayed for many years and the Lord used that time to teach me to be satisfied in HIM. It was a hard lesson to learn. But then God granted me my heart’s desire. He melted my husband’s hard heart and my husband was willing and ready for another baby and we conceived that very month. My second son’s middle name is Samuel because “for this child I prayed”. Just as Hannah had prayed for her child I had prayed for mine. But those years of waiting and longing taught me to empathize with all ladies dealing with infertility. I feel your pain. And my heart breaks with yours. God bless you. It doesn’t matter whether you have one child or 10. When you long for another child and you cannot have one the pain is unbearable. Don’t give up, ladies. Pour your pain out to the Lord. He sees your tears and He cares for you.

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    1. Lynn"

      ” It doesn’t matter whether you have one child or 10. When you long for another child and you cannot have one the pain is unbearable. ” I deeply appreciate those words! As the mother of 5 on earth and 14 in heaven, I long for one more child. I have lost 7 since my youngest was born and have now been unable to conceive again for the last 2 years. I am eternally grateful for the ones the Lord has allowed me to keep and hold for now, devastatingly sad for those that have gone on ahead (sad for myself and their siblings, not for them however, they are with the Father, we should all be so blessed), and desperate for the hope of one last blessing. God is Good! He sustains me through the heartbreak and the trials of child rearing and the emptiness of the womb.

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  62. Ashley

    I have came across this article on Facebook and have to say I’m in tears after reading this. I experienced my first loss in May of last year and still can’t find the ways to cope. I have two previous children and my youngest living is chronically I’ll. The same month I lost my third precious miracle, I also almost lost my I’ll son as he laid in ICU on life support. I think that since I was already dealing with possibly losing him, I never was able to properly process the loss of my unborn baby. I have a blended family and that baby was out first baby together. We were so excited. And I was pregnant with a close friend as well and we had planned our baby showers and everything together. Then my nightmare started and has yet to end. She thankfully was able to carry and I was so happy for her. I wish this pain and emptiness on no one. But I found myself pulling away bc it just hurt so much to be reminded that I too should still have my baby. Then my husband’s ex said she hoped I would lose our baby bc she was jealous and just a very hateful being…then her wish came true and I just can’t get past that part. I have been trying to speak out more to bring awareness and support for other mothers who have lost and I will continue to do so. We all the time get discouraged bc we are told that it wasnt a baby yet, we didn’t even have time to get attached, everything happens for a reason, we just want pity…and it goes on and on…but we still need to speak out about miscarriage, infertility, loss and emotional distress. 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage… that number is way too high. Thank you again for your post and sharing this story. It means a lot to me and thousands of other mothers <3

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  63. Claire

    A beautifully written piece – thank you. I appreciate your honesty. My husband and I are unable to have children and you have captured well some of the emotions and fears we have experienced.

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  64. Jordan

    I have to have a hysterectomy at te end of the month at 35 I don’t have kids, I wasn’t able to carry to term due to some massive fibroids I have had 6 miscarriages but I realize my worth and value isn’t tied up in if I can breed or not I’m happy that I can live my life without the attachment of a child and if I want later I can foster or adopt not a big issue for me I wish other women would see that they are worth more

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  65. Nita

    Thank you so much for this article. We have been childless for 36 years and yes two is still a family. This year God blessed us with a Miracle. We became first time parents as Host Parents of a Korean teenager. Its not without challenges and will only be for 10 months but I cherish every moment. My Ministry (because I cannot have children) is to pray for Pregnant women until delivery. Every child is a blessing from God and also my ministry is to let the infertile women know how special they are and that yes they can find happiness.

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  66. Lynn

    My husband and I experienced 10 years of infertility before deciding to become foster/adoptive parents. While we were unable to biologically become parents, we now have four beautiful, amazing children! God has a plan for all of us.

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  67. Erin

    To all the women who have been pregnant, but lost their baby…I believe you are a mother because you have had a baby growing inside of your womb. You will see your child(ren) whom you have lost some day! I am soooooo sorry for your loss(es) and struggles. I will also be praying for you as well. Love and hugs to you all!

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  68. Dorothy Hammett

    I know the feeling . As a young girl I dream of having children. But because of the female problem I had I wasn’t able to have children. I had two miscarriage. I know the feeling of being around women and their new born babies. My heart would feel like it was going to bust. I cry on the inside never letting anyone know how I felt. I never wanted to take away the joy they had. Now I’m in my 50 with no children and just loss the love of my life my husband he die Dec 4 2014. My heart goes out to the one’s who can’t have children. Now I just love all my niece,nephew and stepdaughter and grandchildren. Love to all

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  69. Tiffany

    This was beautiful! I had my first when I was 21. I was young and didn’t realize that other women couldn’t have a baby and experience the pure joy of a child. When I realized this a few years later I knew that I wanted to help a family have that. I had a beautiful little boy through surrogacy in July of 2013. That experience was truly incredible. I will be getting matched with another couple later this month and I couldn’t be more excited.
    Women who go month after month are SO strong. It took my hubby and I a year to conceive our 2nd. (which is a lot shorter time than a lot) Don’t give up!

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  70. Teresa

    Thank you for your beautiful understanding of a challenging topic! I struggled with infertility and the terrible path of trying to achieve pregnancy through medical treatments for two decades, and just as I signed up for in-vitro I had an emergency hysterectomy. I thought my life was over. The pain of babies everywhere–except in my own arms–was compounded by society’s special moments, such as welcoming the first baby of the new year. I never went to church on Mother’s Day because I couldn’t handle all the celebration of motherhood that had no place for those of us who were childless. My friends were very understanding, but I had one close friend who lived far away and chose to “spare” me the pain of her pregnancy milestones so she didn’t even tell me she was pregnant until two weeks before her due date. I felt cheated of vicariously sharing her pregnancy. I suppose there’s just no perfect solution. Today I am the proud mother of a wonderful 8-year-old son whom we adopted when he was 1.5 years old. He is the joy of my life and I don’t think I could have loved him more if he’d been born to me. Instead, I grieve for his birth mom who gave him up because she knew she wasn’t capable of caring for him but still today loves and misses him so much. In many ways, I think her pain is worse than any I suffered on the long journey to motherhood. Honestly? I am so grateful to God for denying me all those years, because my son is my life’s greatest reward, and I never would have considered adopting a child in my late 40s if I’d become a mother in my 20s. In all things, give thanks … Bless you for sharing your spirit of discernment!

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  71. Claire

    Thank you for sharing such beautiful and touching words. I experienced a miscarriage a few months ago and it seemed like as soon as it happened everyone around me became pregnant. Although it hurts, I do not carry a bitter spirit. I trust in God that he has a better plan for me than I had for myself. I would never want my friends to feel like they couldn’t share their moments due to my pain. But I cannot describe the feeling when a friend ecknowledges what I’ve been through. My prayer today is for all the women like me. That God know our hearts and desires and that if it be his will, we too will be blessed one day. I pray for the women like me, that if they do not know God or Jesus as their savior that they may find him. Without God and my relationship with him, I could not be as strong as I am. I rely on him for strength and I pray that the other women my come to know the comfort that only God can give! Amen!

    I thank you from the bottom of heart for sharing this, as well as allowing others to comment. God Bless you and your 3 beautiful gifts of God.

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  72. Julie

    Thank you for posting this. Some women have found the “trim healthy mama diet”to help with fertility. I have yet to try it fully. I believe that although we can take care of our health, hormones, etc, it is God that ultimately has the perfect plan and time for us to have a child if it is meant to be. We must not doubt His goodness or love whatever the result.

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  73. Stephanie

    This June will mark 10 years that we have been trying to conceive. We’ve been through it all… low dose fertility medicines, surgeries, high-dose fertility medicines, in vitro, all unsuccessfully and without explanation. We are at the end of this journey, and it is devastating. It’s time to move on and make plans that will not include the children we’ve always dreamed of. We’re at the stage where everyone makes comments like “there’s always adoption” or “you never know, miracles happen every day” or “you can’t give up hope; you just have to have faith”. Please understand that those of us who are or have been on this journey fully recognize adoption as an option. It doesn’t take away the pain and grief of being unable to create life and grow a baby human inside your body. Nor does this journey have anything to do with faith or lack thereof. For 10 years we have convinced ourselves to just have faith, keep believing, keep hoping, only to have those hopes dashed month after month, year after year. (I would even venture to say that those on this journey have exercised significantly more faith than those who would tell us we don’t have enough of it.) We do believe in miracles, and if one happens for us someday, we will welcome it gratefully. In the meantime, for us, it’s time to let go and move on. It’s time to figure out who it is I am supposed to be, since all I ever wanted to be was “Momma”. It’s time to grieve and give it to God. And if you’re reading this, please don’t make the mistake of thinking that is an easy thing to do. Just because I can manage to type it in a comment on a blog doesn’t mean I have a clue how to move forward. Each day is a new battle, and just because I think I might be okay at this moment doesn’t mean I’m going to be okay in a few minutes. I just process each wave of pain as it comes.

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  74. Susan Hazelrig

    Your article caught my attention because a friend from high school posted a link to it. She is a great mother of two adopted sons.

    My story is different but many of the emotions/questions are the same. I have always loved children. I started babysitting at age 11. I was the one who wanted to get married & have 12 children of my own. But that never happened. The marriage or having even one of my own. Though I never dealt with infertility because of physical reasons, I dealt with it because I was old-fashioned & believed that one needed to be married to have children. Oh I thought of adopting or foster care, but I was also taking care of my mother whose health would not allow me that pleasure.

    Looking back I can see how God met my needs but I often questioned why I was never allowed that joy. It is still a question I keep buried but know that one day I will have my answer. I am a very religious person & believe that God works all things for my good. However that belief doesn’t stop the emotional roller coaster I am on.

    I watched as my siblings married & had children. I have been blessed to be a part of my nephews’ & nieces’ lives. Even today I am blessed to be living with my adult nephew’s family & enjoying the day to day activities helping with a great niece & great nephew. But I still wanted to have my own.

    I watched & rejoiced as my friends married & had their children. Yet I still longed for a child of my own. I bore with a smile all the questions & jabs like “When are you gonna get married & have a child?” All the while dealing with my own questions- “God, when will I have this joy?” Or “God, why not me?”

    I even became like a nanny & helped with all the kids. You would often see me holding the babies just so momma could have a break.

    Mother’s Day had become the worst day of the year for me! (In the south people celebrate “Decoration”. It is a Sunday set aside to remember your loved ones & decorate their grave with flowers. Decoration at the family cemetery was always the second Sunday of May.) So on Mother’s Day I went to church & sat at the piano. When they asked for all the mothers to stand- I would be SITTING in the front of the church. When church was over we would go with family to my mother’s grave. While most of my friends were being taken to lunch I was going to the cemetery. Once again I would try to hide my feelings until I got home by myself & then would cry to God asking the same old question – “God, when will I have this joy?” Or “God, why not me?”

    Now as I enter another chapter of my life, I watch as my friends are having grandchildren realizing I will never get to hold my own grandchild.

    One day I will understand why God put me in this situation but until then please let me hold your little one and enjoy the smile of a child. It might just make my day! And give you a little break!

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  75. Lily

    Thank you for this post. It really touched me. I can relate to both sides. 8 years of infertility (pcos) and many losses. 10 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths. However I have been thankful that 6 children in that mix have lived. Our journey is on year 16 now. 18 precious babies..12 in Heaven..after years of ttc with no results. It’s pretty amazing to see the journey on this side.

    I loved your honesty about feeling you were robbed of your joy. I think that is the common response when we are asked to be more sensitive…even after my years of infertility and loss I admit I had these selfish feelings myself during a pg. I felt entitled to my joy because of what I had been through. I am sorry I ever felt that way. But wanted to point out that even those of us who have struggled can still lose sight of putting others first. I try to be sensitive now with my living children…as I oddly still deal with awful pcos on a regular basis. My world feels a mix of infertility (secondary) , mourning my losses and bittersweet joys of motherhood. Sometimes I’m just not sure where I fit! But I will say on the hardest days of motherhood it doesn’t take long…I just think of my many littles in Heaven and the perspective comes. I feel that is a gift, however hard it was to come by.

    Wishing you and your readers many blessings. May the Lord comfort the hurting hearts!

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  76. Kate

    I really appreciated this post. I think we all need to be reminded to be sensitive to others emotions at all times. Holidays are not always times of joy, if loved ones have been lost at that time of year, for instance. But how are we to know? I’m glad your friend said something, so you could know to think of her.

    This is something I struggle with all the time. My first son was stillborn, when I was 38 weeks pregnant. That pregnancy was all the time we had with him. And then when my husband and I decided we were ready to try for another child, we struggled getting pregnant. I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant and I cried, both in joy for them but in frustration and heartbreak for my own experiences. And then when I finally was able to get pregnant again, I wanted to celebrate and share as much as I could. My fear was that the pregnancy would end the same as the first and I would need to remember every moment of happiness as it happened.

    I guess what I’m saying is we need to be patient and sensitive with each other. I would never want to hurt someone, but without knowing their experiences, and without them knowing mine, we can’t make any judgements. Those people who are “rubbing their happiness in your face” maybe have their own story. And they would probably stop if you asked them to.

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  77. Shari

    I am one who has been dealing with infertility. We are now in our thirteenth year of marriage with three miscarriages that all happened in 2014 with no explanation as to why. As we take a brief break to recover financially and emotionally. I’m preparing myself to go through another fet. We pray and hope that this time I will carry longer than six weeks. We know it’s in the lord’s hand and his time…..but it’s still a struggle and a desire I have to hold close to each day.

    Reply

    1. Kelly

      Shari,
      I am so sorry for your loses. We miscarried our once and only pregnancy last April. We have been married almost 9 years. After seeing the specialist for 16 months, we are now facing saving up for IVF. I wish no one had to go through this. Just wanted to say I hope you get your forever baby <3

      Reply

  78. Leanne

    Such beautiful words and something that always affects me, I’m blessed with 3 of my own, 2 step children as well as being a childminder and foster carer, something I’ve always wanted to do is be a surrogate to give someone the gift that I am so fortunate to have, I am so thankful for every moment with all of them, good times and stressful times lol. One day maybe I can give the gift that completes me….xxx

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  79. Melissa Rhodes

    I too have been on both sides of the fertility issue. My word of wisdom is LOVE from both sides. In each situation if we just looked through our pain or joy and reached out to others to celebrate or mourn then we all would be happier. It might be tough but you will find happiness in both situations. by lifting and encouraging and celebrating. I wanted people to mourn with me and celebrate with me both. If I failed to mourn with them how could I expect them to celebrate with me when I finally did get pregnant. I would also like to offer what has worked for me. I have never been overweight but had just enough fat on me to prevent me from ovulating. If you suffer from infertility from pcos or not exercise is a way to help. Good Luck!

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  80. Janet

    Thanks for becoming aware of other’s feelings–I’m one of those who can’t, too. Such an unexpected end to our dreams, we thought. But now through adoption, I am mommy to two wonderful kids and the Lord has turned our problem into a gift allowing us to minister to others who are having difficulty conceiving. It does still hurt at times–the pain will never go away.
    But for all of us–no matter whether being mommy or some other problem, thanks for the reminder that we need to be aware of others’ feelings more often. We need to rejoice with those who rejoice and be sensitive enough to mourn with those who mourn.

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  81. Kathi

    thank you for writing this….I haven’t been to church in 2 months because there were 5 women pregnant at the same time and it felt like everywhere I turned I couldn’t breathe from the pressure of it. I have not been able to conceive and I have honestly given up. Everyone does not know my struggle but it felt like every time I tried to escape there was baby talk at every turn. Church began to be anxiety for me….Praying for my next direction. I held several positions in my church, was married in that church and have been a member for 5 years.

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  82. Tonya

    I have 6 girls and have had 1 miscarriage, I feel so sorry for the women who can’t have babies cause its just an incredible experience to be pregnant and to feel ur baby moving inside you, and I wish all women cause have thay joy. Now I have been trying for a boy and it hasn’t happened yet, so yes I do get jealous and angry with my friends and family that have had boys, like my sister, she has 2 boys and a girl. We was pregnant and the same time, I found out I was having another girl and she found out she was having another boy, and she was scared to tell me. Yes I was mad and hurt that I couldn’t have a boy, but I wouldn’t trade my girls for anythjng and then I think about all the women out there who would love just to have either one. So I hope and pray that one day she will get to experience the joy of motherhood.

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  83. Melissa Green

    Thank you for this. My first pregnancy I had a miscarriage and I was devastated. I didn’t know if I would be able to actually have a baby after that. We went to fertility doctors and changed our way of eating and taking more vitamins. It was really hard because we had been trying for 3 years to get pregnant before that. Then after that it seemed like everyone we knew had just started trying and ended up pregnant. It was so hard to stay positive and not get stressed out. Finally 2 years after my miscarriage I got pregnant and I had a few problems in the beginning and didn’t know if I was going to lose the baby or not. I ended going full term and delivered a healthy baby girl and we were so excited when we got to meet her and hold her for the first time. She turned 3 years old today and we have a 2nd daughter that is 14 months. So I don’t know all that the women that are struggling or may not be able to have a baby but I have gone through some of it and it is really hard. I want to wish them all luck in their journeys and hope that one day they can become a mom weather it is having a child of their own or being able to adopt a baby.

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  84. Ana

    Dear Tammy,

    Never let anything get in the way of your happiness and joy. Life is to be lived at the fullest.
    My husband and I have tried to have a baby for over 20 years. We have done it all (a few times), been through everything mentioned here and then some. Throughout it all, I have been in the delivery room for a few of my friends helping them with the birth of their babies and I have been blessed with wonderful God kids. I can’t even conceive letting my own struggles and grief keep me from being a part of that – it’s all about my attitude towards what life gives me.
    During my struggle, I’ve learnt how precious that conception and pregnancy is and how truly amazing it is that it even happens! Stars need to align, cells need to work, miracle needs to be allowed. Every time I see a pregnant woman, do you know what I think? Not that “she can have it and I don’t.” I think that it is such a blessing and it is so reassuring that it does happen, that there is hope. And I think it’s the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world.
    Don’t hold your happiness back for any of us. If you don’t show us baby pictures, somebody else will. If you hide your baby bump today, we will walk outside and meet face-to-face with another pregnant woman tomorrow. Life goes on and we all need to deal with the challenges we are given, nobody will be able to protect us from them. How we deal with them is our responsibility. You are entitled to your joys and yes, to your challenges as well.
    If you retain one thing from me, then let it be this: you cannot help us, the ones who’ve been struggling. Only we can help ourselves. It is up to each and every one of us to deal with our grief. You keeping quiet and holding back your joy, won’t change anything and won’t help anybody. No matter how much you try and no matter how many times others will try to make you feel guilty.
    I wish you all the happiness.
    I wish everyone else in this blog many blessings and tomorrows with dreams come true.
    Ana.

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  85. Bethany

    Found this post floating around on facebook and it was such an encouragement to me. My husband and I have been TTC for almost 3 years now and like all the others who have replied, it’s a struggle to get that negative every month. It’s a struggle to remain content and see God’s plan as perfect when a teenage girl with no guy in the picture is raising a little one. It’s a struggle when a young married couple gets pregnant right after their wedding and complains about it because “they didn’t want it yet”. I would give my right arm, leg, and probably everything I own in this world to be in their position. And yet I rejoice for them, even if they can’t or won’t. I am excited for a new life to come into this world. It’s a strange mixture of grief and joy all at the same time. I do cry when I see someone announce a pregnancy, but I also celebrate. That’s okay. I want each woman who is going through such a joyous time to celebrate. I don’t want them to feel guilty. All I could ever want is for them to come to the realization that you have, that each moment with their precious child(ren) is a gift from God. With all my heart I ache for a day that I might be a mommy. But if that is not God’s plan, I will love on everyone else’s little ones and pray that I might grow to be the woman He wants me to be, content, loving, kind, compassionate, and submissive to His will.

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  86. Penny Walters

    A friend shared your post and it brought me to my knees. I am the other woman, the one hurt by the photos and the joy. My husband and I tried for years to conceive, only to be disappointed again and again and again. So many just don’t understand the pain.

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  87. Brandi

    I just want to say thanks for writing these kind words. So many don’t understand. I didn’t understand until I was faced with infertility. After 10+ yrs of trying, 3 different fertility doctors, many procedures later… I do not have a happy ending. Through out those years you go through all the emotions sad, angry, jealous, and you are none of those people. Hopefully your blog will help people be “aware”. You have no idea how much it means for someone to understand or sympathize with what you are going through. Thanks so much!!

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    1. krista

      Brandi- I’m sending you lots of love and gratitude for sharing. I know so many people, both personally and professionally (I’m a birth doula & a childbirth educator) who have struggled with and then overcome infertility. And what’s hard is that I also know people for whom children will not be a reality. And I hear what people tell them and, even as a bystander, it’s hard to endure the ‘have faith’ talk or the one about ‘just relax and forget about it and then it’ll happen’ and all the other well-meaning things people say. I see the slight crush inside these beautiful women who generally don’t say anything in response. It’s hard to witness. But it’s important, too, and that’s why I’m extra grateful for your voice here!
      With love, Krista

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  88. Krystal

    I see this article from both sides. I was blessed with a wonderful husband, and we had our first baby when I was 19. I was ecstatic! I had always wanted to be a mother, and worried about it because I had lots of issues with my hormones. We tried for another one when she was two. It didn’t happen, even with Clomid. As the years went by, I became very depressed. I was so grateful for our daughter, but I felt like our family wasn’t complete. I was finally diagnosed with PCOS, and in my 30s. I knew it would just continue to get harder to conceive. God led me to a wonderful doctor, and he had me try Clomid in a different time frame in my cycle. It worked! My son is 11 1/2 years younger than my daughter. She is like another mom to him! I even had one of her teachers say I gave her hope in her own fertility struggles (she has since had two!) it doesn’t happen for everyone, but we can’t give up hope. My son is now being tested for autism. While I wouldn’t trade him for anything in this world. I’m glad my oldest is old enough to help. She also understands why he does the things he does and needs so much attention. It was all part of God’s timing!

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  89. Cheri

    This post struck my heart. I’ve spent much of my adult life being “that women” the one who couldn’t have a baby. I got married very young and naturally thought I would be a young mom. At 18 I developed my 1st ovarian cyst and then a month later another and another and a few short months later a soft ball sized cyst and surgery to removed it and part of my left ovary. I was diagnosed with PCOS. Told it would be difficult to conceive, but at 18 I shrugged it off, my then husband and I figured we would beat the odds, we didn’t. Instead we spent the next several years going through tests painful procedures and fertility medications and every month seemed like another heart break. By 22 our marriage had failed, he moved on and before our divorce was even final was expecting a baby with his new love. I would have nightmares about it, about not being good enough, women enough. In the dream he would be choking me and when I would wake in panic I would be out of breath and realize that it was because I was holding my breath in my sleep. I would stumble around some trying to find my place before meeting my current husband and when he asked why I was divorced I painfully and honestly told him the entire bitter truth no matter if it was going to scare him off. He said to me words that I would never forget “I always thought, there were plenty of kids out there in need of good homes.” Its no surprise we got married and we talked about kids we tried the good old fashioned way, and when it didn’t work we talked options but I was terrified to go down that rabbit hole and so we didn’t. We left it in Gods hands, for years. I watched everyone I knew have a baby and then another and another and I would try to be happy for them I would try to not be jealous but my heart would break and in my private home I would cry the most painful tears. Family would tell me I was jealous that I was bitter that some women just were not meant to have children. I’d face hatred at work, working every holiday because “you don’t have children, so its ok that you work the holiday” or the comments from people who would act like my husband and I were selfish because we had not had children yet…or comment like “when are you two going to have a baby? Anyone else would have had two or three by now, what are you waiting on?” Silently I would want to scream do you have any idea how hard I tried? But instead I’d smile and pretend like it was no big deal and this went on for years. We decided to adopt. Only to have that dream shatter when the birth Mother changed her mind one month before our baby was to be born. By 30 I had suffered more loss then I could imagine for one person I wanted to give up. I think for a moment I did. A year later we decided to try adoption again, we moved slowly towards this goal and then much to our surprise I went to the hospital to have an outpatient procedure and found out I was pregnant. I remember going numb crying tears of joy and sorrow I couldn’t understand any of it I was filled with fear I’d just miscarriage like before, why do I always have to come so close. But then tests and ultrasounds showed a healthy growing baby. Our baby girl is due any day now and I cannot wait to meet her to hold her to kiss her but my heart still feels heavy for all the years of suffering and for all those I know who are still suffering and may never get their blessing. I have no idea why God chose me to endure such heart ache but I’m so glad that at 32 he has blessed me so dearly.

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  90. Jane

    There is another group of women, those of us who never found/met a man with whom to create a family. Never married, even at 62, I still have difficulty when young women in the church or my younger co-workers bring in the ultrasound photos, talk babies all the time, and then bring their babies to show them off; or when my siblings are excited about coming grandchildren. I am not angry with them for their joy, it is just hard to have that reminder that this is something I never had or will have thrown in my face so often.

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  91. kerry brown

    as i read this story i could partialy relate to the one women. me and my husband have been together for 4 and half years married just over 3 months. we have been trying this whole time to start a family going as far as taking medicine from the ob to see if that would help. we still were not able to conceive on that. and it is hard when you see pics and that from friends and family around you of ultrasounds of being pregant but yet we havent had that kind of luck

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  92. kelsey scoggins

    This was a great post and couldn’t have came at a better time! My oldest daughter has been trying for 3 yrs ( i know that’s not near as long as others ) but also has done the fertility drugs, the shots and corrective surgery. She has become pregnant— and miscarried and i know how heart wrenching that alone is, i to have miscarried so i know her pain, anger fear,etc that goes with it. She has expressed her frustration over this very subject and is dealing with the same now. The difference is her co-worker is aware of her issues and seems to be oblivious to it. I would like to share this article as much as possible to those that can get pregnant, maybe just think twice before you act.. Thank you so much for this. Gob Bless you

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  93. Kimberli

    Thank you so much for putting into words the feelings we have every day. It is not well understood the struggle to share in another’s joy while that same joy causes you immense sorrow for yourself.

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  94. ChrisTina

    Thank you so much for this article. While I do not suffer from infertility, I am not able to have children. What I should say is I am not able to carry a child. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have spent 10 of those trying to start a family. Long story short, we have suffered 5 pregnancy losses over that time period. I have felt many of the same feelings as I have watched friends and family have babies without any problems. 2 years ago my sister, who has two beautiful daughters, approached us with an offer to be a surrogate. As we went through the process of IVF and all that this entails, we discovered that I am not able to carry. All I can say is God works in mysterious and wonderful ways – my sister is carrying our daughter, she is 24 weeks today! To all of you who want to be a mom like I have, don’t lose faith or hope. God has a way of blessing you, far beyond what you can imagine!

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  95. Ashley

    Oh your words touched this mothers broken heart. After much struggle with infertility we were told IVF was our only option. A year ago we attemped, on March 19th a pregnancy was confirmed the JOY was overwhelming. A little miracle, weeks went by with a nervous, nervous mommy. At 32 weeks we were cleared that my body was on track perfect, a precious baby boy, no sickness and a perfect pregnancy. Then October 20, 2014 at 34 weeks no heartbeat. My baby was with Jesus, shattered and crushed I delivered via c-section and should have lost my life due to a rare uterine rupture. My miracle gone! I have walked it all, infertility and loss, 11 weeks ago my world was rocked. I am changed but I am thankful, my child saved my life. NO I don’t understand but we remain faithful. The chances of carrying again will only come due to God’s infinite miracles again. Believing in a rainbow, believing in a miracle. Missing my baby every moment of everyday. Thanks for being sensitive. It is an overall hurt and when people care it means the world to us!

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  96. Meghan Bamberg

    First I wanna say thank you for this post for I have forgotten about Hannah on the bible and her struggle to have a child. My husband and I met in November of 2012 and shortly married in April of 2013. He swept me off my feet and o didn’t know if until I got to know him how madly in love I was. After we got married we started to build our lives together he had a son from his first marriage that ended badly (for you see his first wife left him for things that her mother promised and left for money) that divorce is still caring on today as she tries to rip her son out of his father’s and cause she is jealous of there bond. Any who err have been married for a little over a year and have been trying for a child month after month with no luck my hope for that joy and motherhood is slowly going away as I am losing hope of having my own to love. Know don’t get me wrong I live my step son dearly was my own but it is not the same. For I feel how these women feel the hurt and guilt not having your child for not feeling them move and kick inside of you for not bring live into this world. It makes me feel like I am being punished by God for my wrong doings in my life. When I see my family and friends pregnant I am happy for them but ay the same time my heart is sad because they have a joy that I don’t ever know that I will experience they have a love that I don’t know if I will ever have. I am 26 years of age and yes I know that is young still but it is so scary for me to not know if I will ever have my own. My family tells me to Judy be patient that if ment to have a child you will but that does not lesson the now that we have been trying for overt a year and still nothing and how some women in my family have had no problems getting pregnant. I try to hold my head high daily but ay times I find it hard. But this small story that you have shared had given me hope that maybe one day I will be a mommy. Thank you so much it was truly a blessing.

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  97. Jeanne

    Wow!! Look at all of the comments and interest this post has created!! What a blessing it has been to some. I couldn’t possibly read all of the comments but did read some. My husband and I exerpeienced 3 and 1/2 years of infertility treatments, tried every treatment available to us, with no specific determined cause, then adopted our beautiful daughter from China. She came home with some undiagnosed invisible disabilities that require a different type of parenting and attachment. Raising her has been a struggle for us but she is worth it.
    I think what you have done is validate so many experiences with infertility and that is so good. It is always such a taboo subject to talk about because everyone knows the one suffering is suffering and no one can change the outcome for them and they feel uncomfortable or guilty or ashamed or sad because they can’t do anything about it. I think it is important to remember that every infertile woman in the Bible did, eventually, become pregnant and birthed a child. It’s good that the struggle is written about, but the outcomes do not always end that way.
    “Keep trying” is not always the best advice for some going through infertility. It’s such a personal journey. Each couple will come to some kind of resolution. Either they will get pregnant and have a child, they will adopt, or they will “choose” (if that’s even an appropriate verb, I’m not sure) to remain childless.
    For each there are different levels of pain associated with their experiences, but each starts the journey the same and each ends the journey in a different place. It’s a very very difficult journey to travel. For some, they can not deal with the emotional ups and downs it produces and choose to not try treatments. Some stop trying at different points in the process because they can not go on emotionally setting themselves u p to be disappointed for the 38th time.
    Even though I would never trade our adopted daughter for anything in the world, I still grieve not being able to conceive a child and go through the pain and tribulation of childbirth. I don’t have a genetic connection to a child. No child looks like me or my husband. Those are losses that can only be resolved through grief. Not all people who eventually adopt still grieve, but many that I know have.
    For me, what I always wanted was for people to acknowledge the pain we were experiencing, I didn’t expect them to put their lives on hold because it only trigger pain in us. The pain was there regardless of whether someone shared their pregnancy and childbirth with us or not. But it was worse when they shared their experiences but failed to acknowledge ours. It hurt when we were expected to fly across the country, with our own funds, when we had so little due to paying for fertility treatments, for a baby niece’s very elaborate, showy, baptism. It hurt, a lot. No one said a word to us about what we were going through. And then we had to do it again for their #2-3. We finally dedlined the invitation to the third.
    It hurt when my mother in law shared with me that my sister in law, who had been trying to get pregnant, was devastated and disappointed that she couldn’t get pregnant in 4 months so that she and her sister, who was pregnant, and deliver their children at about the same time. Month five she was pregnant. I could not fathom that glass bubble. I couldn’t fathom she wanted a third only because she really wanted another girl so her daughter would have a sister to play with. She got a boy.
    To someone going through infertility, those things are unrelateable and it feels like a slap in the face and a complete disregard for trying to understand our experiences.
    So when you hear of someone experiencing infertility , listen, love and have empathy. Don’t give advice and don’t give false hope. Most people who have infertility problems do not have a natural pregnancy. They don’t need to “relax”. They don’t need to “go on a vacation”. They don’t need to try a “different position”. They don’t need to “adopt and then they’ll get pregnant”. Infertility is real and complex. The answers are never easy and advice is rarely wanted from someone who has no idea what the experienc has been like.
    Love, support, listening, compassion, empathy and acknowledgement are what they need. Thank you for bringing this topic to light.

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  98. Sara Hohman

    Thank you for writting this. I was one of those women. I had lost 7 babies in 8 years had a 10% chance of getting pregnant and a 15% chance of carrying to term. I grieve my angels i have lost all of which i was between 11 and 22 weeks pregnant with. I am one of the very very lucky ones that did not give up and i no have 2 beautiful daughters (5 and 3). I am guilty of getting so frustrated i want to scream my head off and give up… then i snap back to the real fact that i am SO blessed to have them. Again thank you for writting this. ***** baby dust to all mommies trying****

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  99. hasina

    I am an unwed mother of a toddler. My cousin, who was married, was expecting her first child 3 months after me. She ended up losing her child the weekend of mothers day. Every immediate family member went to the funeral to show support, but I stayed home with my 5wk old. I felt horrible.. she and her husband did it the right way and I sinned. A year later, she was pregnant. The baby died this time from a staff infection. Guilt. In December, this same cousin, lost her husband on his way home from work. Last year, she met my daughter for the first time and would not let go of her, even took her go the bathroom to change her diaper, saying she wanted the experience. She is truly an amazing woman.

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  100. Kate

    Sometimes… we just need a cry. I’m a mama now after plenty of fertility treatment, and even though my daughter is sleeping beside me, I can feel your friend’s pain as I read this. So many times I tried to be joyful for friends with happy announcements and it felt impossible. So many times I felt guilty for that. So many times I held those brand new babies and smiled and cooed and them and then cried in my car. And even so… I wasn’t always sure how to be sensitive to the pain of others once I WAS pregnant. I think we just all need to be kind to one another, no matter the circumstances.

    Thank you for sharing this.

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  101. Melissa

    i found this article at 6:45 am and stood crying in my kitchen as I read it. I have been unable to conceive for three years. However my sister in law is going to have a baby in 6 weeks, and my older sister just announced her third pregnancy. I am expected to be overjoyed for them but all I feel is heartache and sorrow. Being unable to get pregnant feels like failing over and over again. Everything you hear is “it will happen when it’s right” and ” don’t stress out and you will get pregnant”. However after three years those comments hurt more than help. But coming across this article was like someone finally realizing that someone understands the hurt that I have every month year after year.

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  102. Sharayah Wencel

    This is such a touching story….. I have Turners Syndrome and that came with me having dead eggs.. for me to have a child I will have an egg from my sister.. even if that works there is a chance I could die.. Yes we do feel the grief as we hear and see more and more people having their first child.. but excitment should also be there too.. I love being an aunt to my nieces and nephews and love watching them but i also get mixed emotions of wanting my own child.. adoption is an option for me but i do desire my own one day

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  103. Nan Rose

    I lost three to miscarriages. (all boys) No, I did not feel sorry for myself. No, I did not ask anyone to shut up about their pregnancies. I was jubilant talking with others about their pregnancies, babies, etc. etc. I never gave up hope. We moved to another state and I found a doctor in the phone number and prayed like mad that he would be a good one as I was 8 weeks pregnant in a new city with no family or friends. He listened to my tales of woe and said he was not going to give me anything to try and keep this baby. I was on my own. He gave me months of Pre-Natal vitamins. He instructed me to lay down as often as possible with my feet elevated for 30 minutes or so each time. I did this religiously. No heavy lifting and a healthy diet. I had a friend in another state who also had miscarriages and she told me about a statue of St. Gerard that she prayed to daily. He is the Patron Saint of Mothers. I found a religious store and bought a small statue and put him on my night stand and held him while I prayed and asked for a full term healthy baby. The OB I had found in the phone book had me visit him every 3 weeks. I loved him and his wife was his RN. When I was 5 1/2 months I was ecstatic. I never carried this far. I did what I was asked and prayed daily to St. Gerard. I did not know the sex of the baby but “it” was thriving. The baby kicking was like a special gift each day. Each visit to the doctor he would measure my abdomen. He was right on with the baby’s weight. Two weeks before by due date, I was in his office and said for me to return in a week as it was getting close but hefelt I would go full term. My Mother had flown in from Michigan and wee left the doctor’s office and walked the State Fair as I was no where near labor….yet. Eight hours later and home from the fair, my water broke. I was so excited and crying. I was going to deliver a baby. Hubby, Mom and I went to the hospital and the doctor was already there. I was almost 8 centimeters but had no labor pains. This doctor walked me up and down the halls and wanted me to laugh at his singing. He was not going to give me anything to speed things up. I laughed so hard hearing him sing that the pains were now coming full force and off to the delivery room we walked to receive my beautiful healthy, 6lb. 9oz. baby boy who we named John Gerard. My RX: Faith, Hope and remaining Positive..The Power of Prayer and a great doctor.

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  104. Samantha Gill

    I was once that other woman, feeling heartbroken and sad that everyone around me was getting to experience something I never thought I would get to experience either. I know what its like to feel your heartbreak when others around you are sharing in the joy of a new born, or getting to feel a baby grow inside of them. I rarely ever attended baby shows bc I didn’t feel happy for those other people. My husband and I tried for 11 years to conceive and it never happened. Tried fertility still nothing. I had came to the conclusion that it just wasn’t meant to be. I was getting older not younger. I had pretty much given up hope and came to the conclusion if it happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t. All my dreams of having a baby girl and hear those words “mommy” were out the window. My husband has 2 sons and I am a step-mother but that is not the same as wanting to a be a real mom! I am now 31 years old and I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with my miracle baby girl. So far everything has been good…no complications and I continue to pray that it stays on the smooth path! Words can not express the feelings or emotions I have had since finding out. I feel God saw fit that it was my time and I thank him everyday. I know what it feels like to be on the other end as well. So when I share my story with those that I know are struggling as well I let them know there is hope to not ever give up as I did. My miracle baby will be arriving 5/9/2015 and I can’t wait to meet my little angel!

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  105. Fefe

    thank you for this. It is beautifully written and thoughtful. I’m 42 and I’ve dealt with this for many years and still cry (silently and privately) most months when the cycle begins again. I needed to read this.

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  106. michelle

    I was 19 when I got pregnant in a very bad situation. At the time, I already had a son and wasn’t sure how I was going to take care of a newborn. I also didnt want her to he mistreated by the boy i was with at the time. She never asked to be here. 7 months into my pregnancy I decided to put her up for adoption. The couple raising her tried for 14 yrs had 3 miscarriages and countless failed attempts. I know where she is and I get pics of her as she grows. She will be 5 on Jan 13. Good luck to all those who are trying, prayers to those who know they can’t, and for those who do, treat your kids with respect, they need you more than you need them. They didnt ask to be here or stay with you. If you can’t take care of them, there are plenty of people who would love to raise a child.

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    1. Kerry

      Thank you Michelle for choosing to bless a couple through adoption. We were blessed 6 years ago with the adoption of our son and I would never change it for the world. I would wait those 7.5 years of trying all over again just for him. Again, thank you!

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  107. Helen

    Thank you for your post…it was a random post on a friends wall. I am not going to lie, I cried reading the blog. Though I had goven a child up for adoption because at 21 I was not ready yo be a parent….. she went yo a very loving home for which I do not regret. Fast track 5 years two weeks later…. I have my second daughter whom I keep because when I was told I was pregnant with her… I was just told I will never ever have a chance for more children as the infection in my womb from my first pregnancy did some major damage to me which caused me to never get pregnant again. So being pregnant for that second time, I was over the moon …. I had my daughter but have always wanted more babies …all my life and I know some may chuckle but all my life I had always just wanted to be a stay at home mom of 6. My sister never wanted children, she wanted to be a nurse…she has 9 children with another one on the way.
    I get jealous when I hear another friend is pregnant… or getting engaged… or getting married. I have two failed marriages. But each day I wake up and look at my teenager sleeping and I am thankful for the one gift given to me. Yes I feel like crying when people post their happy joys of pregnancy etc…, but I am also finding it a healing of sorts that the pain is lessoning in my heart, as I hold friends’ babies..I get all the hugs and love I could ever want… just without the sleepless nights. Not saying to mock…but to me that is a joy in itself. My healing process. Thank you all for sharing. I have read every single comment and I hug you all xoxo <3 I feel a peace and shock by how many women this affected and shared stories for that I am grateful. Xoxoxo Thank you all ♡♡♡♡

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  108. Christina Anderson

    I had to suffer for three years before we were able to conceive our first child, which was followed by a complicated pregnancy and birth. We have been blessed with three beautiful children, but now are once again struggling with fertility (6 years as of June 2014…) It is never easy, even if you have been blessed with kids. It is difficult on BOTH sides of the struggle, knowing what to do or say as the infertile woman AND as the pregnant woman (I have done both sides now and know them too well). Thanks for your post, what a blessing you have not had to endure the traumatic experience first hand. We all have our challenges, no one ever has the perfect life, so never feel badly complaining if life sometimes sucks. Just filter who you complain to I guess? There is no easy answer is there?

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  109. Tori

    I was told from the time I was a teenager I would never have kids due to hormone problems and mystery health problems. I got married, watched my friends have babies, and all the time wondered, “why can’t i have that?” I had this perfect picture in my head, I wanted 3 boys and 1 girl. It was hard to see my friends with their little angels. I understand the hurt of thinking it will never happen for you but I would never tell them not to share their joy and the news surrounding their pregnancy, I refused to stifle the joy of the miracle of pregnancy for them! But ladies there is HOPE! I went to a Dr who gave me, what was at the time, a break through horomonal treatment, she said that it should fix my hormonal issues AND that once I was on it for awhile, as long as it fixed my horomones, I would be able to get pregnant! And that it would help me keep a baby until term, but to prepare myself for a possible miscarriage because it might not work the first time. Three months after we started trying to get pregnant my period was one day late and SURPRISE! Pregnant! Our little angel was born one day from being a preemie and is a perfectly healthy 2 year old now!

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    1. Tori

      I should add that I was on the treatment for 4 years before we started trying to get pregnant, I don’t know how long it takes to work but 4 years was the umber for me :)

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  110. G

    I can relate on many levels to this story, but the other side of the coin is as a few have said. Feeling pitied. The bible says to ‘weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice’. Problem was- few people weeped with me, but more over, fewer allowed me to rejoice with them. The longer we weren’t parents, the more people started avoiding telling me they were pregnant. My closest friends fretted telling me that they were pregnant. Thus I would hear it thru the grapevine or learn of it when they began to show. That hurt more than being able to rejoice in the life they carried inside. That left me weeping over my own infertility and my friend’s avoidance of me. Of course I wanted to be pregnant! Yes, it hurt to see yet another friend pregnant while I was stuck in a land of nevers and what ifs. But I wanted to rejoice with my friends! So, ultimately, there is no win/win. Bottom line is no matter how respectful you are, infertility is such a roller coaster of emotion, you will never hit a happy medium. Just know that we don’t mean to be offensive or overly sensitive, the same way that you don’t intend to be overjoyed or ignorant to how we feel. The fact that your heart is to not hurt people is good enough. What we choose to do with our pain shouldn’t be in a way that would make other’s feel uncomfortable either. We all process differently. Some of us are more vocal than others and some of us prefer to stay silent. The best way I overcame, was to be honest and loving and share my story with others. You never know when your story will touch a life and unlock a heart that has been dying to find a way out:)

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  111. Heather

    I found your article really touching. When I finished reading it I had one tiny tear role down my cheek as I looked over at the baby monitor at my beautiful daughter. My story is the sory of a mericle that only God could have done. I thank him everyday for my little miracle.
    My husband and I have been married now for seven years and were recently blessed with our first child. We had been trying for pretty much the whole length of our merriage. When we were just newly weds of six months I woke up one morning in excrushiating pain. My husband rushed me to the ER. The doctor asked me if I was pregnant and I said no. He took a pregnancy test and indeed I was pregnant. But my joy was very short lived because the baby was not in the uterus. It was stuck in my folopian tube and I had to have emergency surgery to have it removed. What caused the pain is the tube had ruptured and I was bleeding into my uterus. If I did not have surgery I would have died. I was heart broken, but what hurt most was a month later I found out my sister in law was pregnant also. I felt very jelous that she got to have her blessing and not me. My husband and I continued to keep trying never loosing hope. We prayed everyday for God to bless us. With every negative test there came tears and heartache. One day I decided that I was going to give that burden to God. He spoke to me and said that not to worry. He was going to bless my house with little feet. When God makes a promise, I know He will come through. Well anyway, since then I have been blessed with two nieces and a beautiful nefew. On February 14, 2013 I was about a week late and so I decided to take another pregnancy test. It was positive. I was so happy I told my husband and we were so overjoyed. But something was not right. I had a lot of pain and was bleeding. I remember being at my moms and crying because I thought I was having a miscarriage. The next day my husband took me to the ER and they couldn’t see the baby. After admitting me to the hospital my doctor decided to do surgery to see what was going on. He found that I had yet another tubular pregnancy but this time the baby was implanted on my overy an he had to remove my tube and my overy. What makes me say that I worship a mighty God is that the pregnancy was on the same side that the first one was five years before. So I still had a chance. Aryanna is my mericle baby because only two months after going through the same tragedy I had faced years before, I found out I was pregnant. Only once in the beginning we thought we lost her. The weekend of mothers day I started bleeding and went to the doctor. He ordered an ultrasound, but I prayed for God to hold my baby and portect her and he did.
    I now have a beautiful 12 month old daughter that God has blessed me with and I praise him everyday for giving me her. If there is anything I have learned through all this is everything will happen on Gods time and to be patient and wait on Him to fulfill his promises. When you referenced Hannah in your article I remembered that I felt just like her. There were times I wept to God to please bless me with a child, and just like Hannah, God did bless me. I thank you for your story. And I hope that my story may touch your heart as well.
    Heather

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  112. Christine

    I am 19 and found out almost 2 years ago that my ovaries never developed. This has caused many medical problems including infertility. One of my friends shared this on Facebook and it touched my heart. A lot of people don’t understand what it’s like to not have the option.. I am glad that there are people who try to relate though. I have been having a hard time lately and this was something I really needed to read. Thanks for sharing <3

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  113. Noelle

    As someone who has been silently suffering through infertility for 6 years, it was nice to read this. There are many if us out there unfortunately and it is definitely a struggle every day. I hope many women read this so that those suffering from infertility will know they are not alone and those who are not can understand a little more clearly how difficult this is.

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  114. Cathy

    I know both sides first hand. We tried for 9 years to have a baby. I had so many ups and downs over those years. I understand the disappointment and the “why not me” feelings but I want to tell the ones still trying to never give up. I kept praying that when God thought I was ready, to please give us a child. After 9 years and no fertility treatments, I got pregnant with a baby boy. When he was 6 months old, we found out I was pregnant again. This time a girl. I thank God every day for them and would not change a thing. The wait gave me time to realize how precious they are and that God has his own plan for us. Have faith and patience! Good things come to those who wait!!

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  115. Carrie

    I love this! I have been through 4 miscarriages and am too afraid to try again as another loss would just be too much for me to handle any time soon. I have been looking into adoption recently though and I feel like all the miscarriages have led me to do what I was supposed to do all along, love a child that would have otherwise been unloved. I’m still a few years away from being ready to really start the process but I’m really looking forward to this. Thank you for writing this. So many pregnant ladies and mothers don’t understand when I need to excuse myself for a moment to get it together and put on the fake smile. While I am very happy for anyone who has the joy of being a mother, it still twists the knife.

    Reply

  116. Shatoria

    My story I will cut short. I got married and didn’t know I couldn’t get pregnant. We prayed and prayed. I’m in the military, but I’m also an event planner and I was wondering why I kept getting hired and invited to baby showers. I kept a smile on my face and prayed to God for me to get through it. He kept telling me in His time and it was just hard. I moved to DC and I got pregnant, but lost the baby. God allowed me to do IVF and in that process i was able to really meet, learn, and pray with other women. I now have many friends who are and was in the same boat. I have a respect for women with babies and the pain we have gone through to get here. In the time I got pregnant, I lost my mother at my 15 week. Hardest thing ever. My daughter was a preemie. I kept going into the hospital and saying something was wrong and they kept telling me no there is nothing wrong. Finally a doc listen and she wasn’t breathing. I’m 35 weeks and we did a c-section. Come to find out I had so many issue and damage and they said that if we have never came in, she would have been a stillborn. I’m at peace for this little angel that we have and I do look at the walk and prayers to get here. She is now 6 1/2 months and brings me joy after so much pain. I am for sure praying for the women on here that is still going through. I will pray and pray and stand for you. I would love to know how you ladies are doing and again. I’m praying because I know the pain and I know it’s not a walk that is cherish. xoxoxoxo

    Reply

  117. Bonnie

    I just read this twice… ok, so maybe three times. You could have been talking about me… I was the little girl who tucked a mixing bowl under my dress and pretended I was going to be a mommy, I held our family dog like a baby until I was a teenager… I was born waiting to have children. My husband and I spent 10 years trying… a buffet of various fertility pills, all those I.F’s, and nothing… until I was 40 years old and going in for surgery and they did a mandatory pre-op pregnancy test. Positive. I made them bring me another cup to pee in because I simply didn’t believe them, I wasn’t in disbelief, I just thought they made an error. They didn’t. I was finally pregnant. The overwhelming joy didn’t last long when I gave birth to a precious sleeping angel, Tess, at 26 weeks.
    Thank you so much for posting this… I am not ever, ever bitter or angry at another for being blessed with children, but it does hurt every single ounce of me. While I don’t think people like me want to be tippy toed around, it’s nice to know someone like you is making people aware that people like us exist.
    All the best ! :)

    Reply

  118. Becky

    Such a beautiful article. I have been the woman that suffered in the silent grief you mention. After 12 years of infertility, our prayers were finally answered with the birth of our first son, Samuel. Samuel means, “God hears.” He was named from Hannah’s story. I learned a lot about patience and trust, although I flunked that test many times, as well. Later, we were surprised with a second son, Joseph. Joseph means, “God gives increase.” Every woman’s story turns out differently, but trust God, no matter what. I do want to point out one thing. You did not hurt anyone. It was not your intention. Please do not feel guilty about sharing your joyful experience. Many times, I had the awkward emotion of happiness for the other person, while experiencing sadness for my situation. Your sensitivity to others’ struggles is extraordinary. You nailed the emotions and difficulties that those dealing with infertility face.

    Reply

  119. Courtney

    I am so glad my sister in law made me read this!! As a women that has been trying for almost 2 years to get pregnant it’s is very hard, especially when you are at the age that all of close friends are getting pregnant. It is tough to see but also amazing because I get to have lots of babies in my life!

    Thank you for you blog☺️

    Reply

  120. Kelly

    I have been married for almost 9 years to the love of my life. We have been hoping for a baby the entire time. We went through years of ovulation tests, charting, having negative pregnancy test after test. Then we started seeing a specialist, this will work right?! A specialist will get us pregnant! It has been 16 months since we started working with the specialist. Last April we did injections with monitoring and we got pregnant..only to lose our little one at 6 weeks. We have had all failed cycles since then. We are now facing where to come up with $15-18k to try IVF. In the meantime, there have been countless pregnancy annoucements, ultrasound pictures, and people giving “advice” when they have no idea what they are talking about. Going through infertility is hard enough without people making it worse for us. If everyone could just take a second and think first, act second..our lives would be made a little better.

    The first question I get when people hear we have been married for 8 years is “how many children do you have?” Breaks my heart each time.

    Reply

  121. Jackson

    so beautiful, I cried and cried as I can relate to your co-worker! Thanks so much for your post! It is a struggle, heart-breaking, & stressful… but thanks soooo much for your wonderful blog! I enjoyed it!

    Reply

  122. Elaine

    Thank you for this beautifully written post. I am a woman who struggled for 11 years before having my first child. The deep pain and disappointment of those years has never left me, 19 years later, and I cried with remembrance while reading this post. I have had three children since those terrible years, but I do remember how I dreaded mother’s day, cried at touching “family” commercials, and sobbed over news stories about children who were abused, abandoned, or neglected. I would have taken every one of those children into my home. I can pull those emotions back in without hesitation, and I believe it is because of that that I have been able to thank God every single day for the struggles I have had to face as a mother of three, one of whom is a cancer survivor.

    All of that said, I understand from both perspectives how difficult pregnancy news can be and how difficult it can be to walk that fine line between gushing with happiness around those who are struggling and completely ignoring and leaving them out. During my infertility I was just as hurt by people hiding their news from me as I would have been if they had stuck posters all over my desk about their good news. I think the most important thing is just awareness – when we are aware that others may be struggling with the very thing we are rejoicing about, we can share our joy in ways that hurt a little less, but keep that person feeling like they have the opportunity to dip in to your joy as they feel able – as that woman you spoke of was able to once your child was born.

    Thank you again for writing this post. I can remember the most important thing that happened to me during my struggle was to read about others who felt the same way as I did and I believe your post could be a help, both to those who struggle with infertility and for those who don’t, but know someone who does.

    Reply

  123. Leah

    thank you thank you thank you, the best blog post I’ve ever read. So refreshing to hear this from the “other side” Blessings to you and your family

    Reply

  124. Ginger

    Just. Beautiful. This one touched so close. My husband and I suffered through almost a decade of secondary infertility, 3 miscarriages, and an infant loss. This article was perfect. I am amazed at your big heart and sensitivity to this topic. Thank you!

    Reply

  125. Allison

    Your words are beautiful and perfect and anointed. Though only trying for a year, my heart aches with each passing month of no success. My husband feels disappointment, but not quite they way I do. I am you…great love story, beautiful wedding and marriage, and that strong desire to have someone call me mommy and do all of the baby stuff! We are waiting on God’s perfect timing and praying for our child as we wait. Thank you for your kind words and know how much they are appreciated.

    Reply

  126. Sarah DR

    I am one of the “she couldn’t”s. Unfortunately for me, the miracle baby never came and, at this point, likely never will. I have not fully come to terms with that (and maybe I never will), but I am trying to learn to accept it and think about the possibilities of fostering and adoption. Maybe I will never be a mom, but there are two amazing little people in my life (my beloved nephews) who make the possibility a little easier to bear. Sure, it was hard to see my sister pregnant – twice – because there’s simply no way to avoid thinking about ones own misfortune; in our darkest hours, we wonder to ourselves, Why me? Why the F**K me??? It’s not fair! But the second those little bundles of joy arrived, all sadness and jealousy went out the window. I am so lucky to live only minutes away from my nephews; to be able to be such a strong and consistent presence in their lives, and they are a constant source of joy. Despite the fact that infertility is still quite common, many of us never talk about it. For some inexplicable reason, it is still taboo to discuss infertility in public; almost as if it’s a shame we need to hide from the world in order to prevent others from being *uncomfortable.* We feel we shouldn’t talk about our “problem” because there is something inherently wrong with us; that we are, in some way, broken, or even that we are failures as women (after all, women have been giving birth for millennia – why are some of us never given that opportunity?) We need to talk about it, because none of us – regardless of what we’ve been through – is alone, and none of us should feel that we need to suffer in silence. I am not a person of faith (I hope that doesn’t offend anyone here), but this post spoke to me nonetheless. Thank you for writing it.

    Reply

  127. Natalie

    The last paragraph of your article is one that touches me. I admit, reading how you were angry about having to be “cheated out of the joy” of your pregnancy, made me upset at first. But that last paragraph redeems the blog. You get it. Thank you for getting it. So many don’t get it and don’t CARE that they don’t get it. I write this as a recurrent loss infertility patient–I’m currently miscarrying for the 4th time, 5th baby total (one m/c was twins). No grief is too small to share, and sometimes society tells us that our “shame” at not being a mother (though we want to) should be private. That adds to the pain.

    Reply

  128. Kris

    As I sat reading this blog, I started bawling in my classroom, in front of high school students. Not the most opportune time to be crying. I have been on both sides of the fence. Let me say I think that is truly a devastating emotion as all of them are. I was married young and after about a year decided we should have a baby. The doctor told me it would take a lot for me to have a successful pregnancy. Yet the next month I had routine lab work done only find out I was pregnant. I had an amazing pregnancy and I loved every minute of it. At 35 weeks I developed extreme pre-eclampsia and was forced to deliver. I was blessed with an amazing daughter who was healthy and happy. Shortly after her birth I started to hemorrhage. I had 5 blood transfusions in the delivery room before the doctors performed a D and C to stop the bleeding. They told me everything was fine. I went home with my new baby two days later. I don’t remember much, but apparently I hemorrhaged at home on my bathroom floor. I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where I endured a 7 hour surgery, 14 blood transfusions and a complete hysterectomy. It was then we found out that I had placenta percreta, my placenta had grown through my uterus into my bladder muscle. I had never heard of this before. My doctor said I was only second patient he had ever scene with this condition (he has been delivering babies for over 30 years), let alone this severe. I should not have survived. But I did. I stayed in the hospital for almost a month. I felt so disconnected from my daughter, my family, my life. When I finally went home I was so weak I couldn’t take care of her, let alone myself. Due to the strain my husband decided it was too much and strayed. We divorced when my daughter was just 10 months old. I really struggled at this point in my life. Here I was a single mom, starting completely over.

    I was very ashamed of my body- it had been through hell. I have a scar that runs from 2 inched above my belly button down to my pubic bone. Since the hysterectomy I have had 3 more abdominal surgeries only adding to the maze of scars. I had been very angry for a very long time. I have not attended one of my sisters, friends or in-laws baby showers since. I just can’t deal with the heartache and pain…. and my own stupid anger. I usually end up getting ready to go and then sitting in my room crying by myself instead of attending.

    But the hardest part- I have found an amazing person to share my life with, to share raising my daughter with. He has accepted her as his own. I know he would desperately love to have children but for us it is not an option. He is amazing- saying he is just blessed to have us. I feel like I am cheating him of something so important and fundamental in life. While I ache deep down in my heart with my own hurt and pain of never being able to do all the pregnancy things or hold my own newborn- I struggle with the guilt of taking that away from him.

    I know it is selfish- there are couples out there that have never even got to experience pregnancy once and would desperately love the chance, and I at least had the chance to have one child. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less when I hear that someone new is pregnant. My sympathy, love and prayers for all families who struggle with fertility issues. For women announcing their joyous news- please understand the tears and sadness that comes those who can not. Although we are happy for you- we are hurting just as much, if not more.

    Reply

  129. Kristy

    I found this post on Facebook Today I have read it a few times as the tears roll down my face !! its like you wrote this article about me !! I was the farm girl who wanted to grow up and marry a famer and have 10 kids!! I met my farmer but I haven’t been able to have babies !! we tried many procedures and so much heartache !!! every were I turn I see a pregnant person bragging or complaining and I wish every second of every day that was me ! I have somewhat come to terms that god has a bigger plan for me. But there are still days were I feel like a bad wife and I still cry when I see pregnancy anncouments . I still cant go to baby showers !! its not that my heart doesn’t feel joy for all these people because I do !!! But the heartache I feel is almost unbearable and I have decided that sometimes my heart needs protecting too!! Whats hurts also is people and there Ideas ie adopt or quit trying funny people have all the answers. Sometimes us infertile people just need a hug someone to hold our hand in silence and acknowledge us we have deep Pain . God bless you for writing this amazing article I wish and pray that the world had more people like you !!!!

    Reply

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  131. Laura Clark

    Thanks for the thoughts Tammy, this is beautiful. I am someone that lost a baby, then had problems getting pregnant and then after 2 years of trying and at the point of giving up we were was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. I was blessed with another one 2 years later. I thank God every day for my beautiful daughters. I think the one thing I hope people can take from your letter is to appreciate what you have, be thankful and love every day you get with your kids. I remember sitting in church and crying when I saw people with babies. It was a hard time and no one can help you through those times. My girls are now grown and I still embrace every minute I get to spend with them. As the story says “I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be” Thank you again for a beautiful story.

    Reply

  132. Suzanne

    I just want to say thank you for such a beautiful post. After years of infertility and knowing I will never carry or have a child with my eyes, or my mother’s smile, I have long come to accept that it is not the fault of the women that can. I’ve always said…I’m so so happy for them…I’m only sad for me. The truth is most people that have not dealt with infertility simply don’t know what to say, and we always expect the right words. I’ve learned to accept that and have been able to find room in my heart for my friends and family members that are so blessed to be able to have what I do not. So thank you…for saying the right thing. For understanding the pain and hurt of infertility, even though it’s never been a challenge for you. Thank you for understanding her hurt, even though it took away from your joy…even if only in that moment. After 4 years, I finally have the joy of knowing I will have a child to love. Not easily, and not how we all hope as children when we grow up and dream of being mothers. But through egg donation, surrogacy, kindness and generosity. So yes, I’m extremely grateful for the words you’ve written so beautifully. xoxo

    Reply

  133. Scott

    I’m just want to say thank you from all the men and husbands for this great post and also thank you for all the great comments and stories following. While we may be more silent and may not show it we also feel these same emotions and pains. These stories have not only have helped ease my fears and reaffirm my hopes but also helped find ways to show support for my wife during the highs and lows of this.

    Reply

  134. nicole

    I have to say I have been on both sides of this spectrom. I consived my first child at 19 straight out of high school. I delivered my son by emergency c-section in 2002 and we almost lost him due to a sever blood infection. I tried for 5 and a half years to get pregnant again but after 3 mmiscarriages and a broken relationship because of not being able to have more children because of complications from my first c-section. I stopped trying and just gave it to god I met my now wonderful husband who was told by drs he could not have children due to trauma to his area. we married anyways and started raising my son together about a year after we married I found out I was pregnant. I was immediately put as high risk and was told I would have no choice but to have another c-section. I delivered my second son 4 weeks early but thankfully he was perfectly healthy. For my husband and I this was such a surprise but a very happy one. I lived through two of my three miscarriages in silence never told a sole I was pregnant or that I had lost them. The third one I told the father and we were excited only for him to call it last straw and leaveme the day I lost the baby. I have to say that was the hardest part being completely alone. I never told anyone but the father and I lived with that pain for years after my miscarriages. Once I met my husband and we both new we could not have more kids we didn’t even bother trying just went on with life as normal. I was blessed to have him by my side through the trying time with my second son so many appointments and overnight hospital stay we we’re blessed. It took almost 3 and a half years for me to get pregnant again in August 2014 I gave birth by c-section to our second son so now we are a happy family of 5. But I let god take me on his ride and I was given something I thought I would never have after my oldest son dad left a real family to care for and support. I will never regret the way life happened but for my husband to now have children of his own when he was told that he could not ever have children that to me was the best gift he could have ever been given. I also have a friend that will never be able to carry her own children because she was born with no uterus. She is an amazing person and I love her to pieces if I could I would carry a child for her but my Dr says another pregnancy could kill me. I pray for u all and hope in some way you are able to find peace in gods plan for you. Whether it is parenthood or not. God bledd

    Reply

    1. nicole

      I always wanted a natural birth and not having that has been very hard for me to hand knowing that my body would not do what god had intended it to do. I want more children but them being biologically mine will not happen but giving a child a loving home is all that matters to me

      Reply

  135. Lynn

    As a mom of 2 beautiful boys both through adoption I beg women struggling with fertility issues to consider adoption. The minute the boys were placed in my arms it didn’t matter if they looked like me came from me etc. and the most magical words in the world are I love you momma. So many children in this world need loving homes!

    Reply

  136. Elizabeth

    My husband and I never became pregnant but (after much effort) we successfully adopted an infant here in the US. I never begrudge anyone being happy about their pregnancy. However, it bothers me when pregnant women complain about how unpleasant it is to be pregnant. And it bothers me, when their pregnancy inconveniences their co workers, friends, family etc and they do not say thank you. Through my work, I often was asked to perform heavy lifting and perform activities which were inappropriate for my pregnant co workers to perform. And then I had to buy them a shower gift and cover for their absence while they gone with the baby. (Due to FMLA you cannot hire into a position when someone is on maternity leave. The regular staff must work harder cover your absence.) The whole time, I was trying to get pregnant and failing. I am happy to share in the joy of your pregnancy but please, please, please, do not complain about being pregnant, and please, say thank you to your coworkers and friends for the inconveniences that your pregnancy causes. I have listened to women complain about being pregnant (morning sickness etc.) and I was so close to saying, “Too bad you are not infertile like me.” Please don’t make anyone around you feel like that. I’m sure you don’t always feel great when you are pregnant, but many of us would have liked to have the experience regardless. But thank you so much for your thoughtful blog. Really, thank you.

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  137. Lisa

    We lost our baby boy when I was 39 weeks. Putting into words what I felt is still impossible 12 years later. I also did invirto and had 3 miscarries along with losing Grant. Our story has a happy ending. We have adopted 2 children. The journey to get our family was long and hard, but I would not change any of the experiences I have had. Thank you for your story.

    Reply

  138. Merry

    Thank you! My husband and I have been trying to conceive since last March with no luck. I know it hasn’t been long but it seems like forever! It is really hard on me to see all my friends announcing that they are pregnant. Some with 1st pregnancies and some are on their 2nd or 3rd. I’m happy for them but also very envious that it was just easy for them to conceive. I’m going to share this and hope that some of them will think twice before they post.

    Reply

  139. Jennifer

    Thanks for this beautiful post! I was once that woman. For 3 painful years! It hurts so bad to see other people having what you so long to have and taking it for granted. I cherish every day with my son. He is 8 months old now and is my Angel! We are pregnant again and are thrilled it happened on the first try! Everyone has issues but this is one that really takes a toll on those who are not able to have children. It was truly devastating!

    Reply

  140. Jess

    Great post, as one of those who are still in the not knowing if or when stages I find it completely different for me. I don’t get upset, sometimes maybe I think sad thoughts but I never get upset for friends when they become pregnant I am over joyed for them and glad that they can have babies. I feel that if I am not meant to naturally have children I can have them in different ways, nieces, nephews and adoption is always an option! Why not give children a mom and dad that they may have never had if I were able to become pregnant.
    When my friends say I’m sorry you haven’t yet been able to have kids, I never say I know. I always say God Speed, and I smile and I mean it.

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  141. Emily

    WOW!! I can’t even begin to describe all the feelings I felt reading this. As much as I can relate to the friend, I would NEVER ask them not to send me pictures, etc. Although, every one deals with this sort of pain differently. I’m 31 and married my husband who’s 41, 6.5 years ago. At the time he had 4 girls. 3 adopted and 1 biological. We still wanted one of our own. A year ago we found out our 17 year old was pregnant. We had been trying for over a year with no success. WORST PAIN EVER! I’ve never been so bitter, pissed, resentful, and just plain mad at God. Now, we have one daughter left at home. Next
    Month she will be 17 and a junior in high school. Things have happened and life has thrown us some curves and the decision to continue trying has ceased. I’ve come to terms on most days, to be ok with this. I recently found out a coworker who’s 43 is pregnant. Completely unplanned. I’m happy for her…..and jealous. I have restored my faith and know that everything happens for a reason. I’m a Mimi to the most handsome little boy and he brings so much joy to my life! Thank you for writing and sharing this!!

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  142. Stepmom but never mommy

    Thank you. So much.

    Sometimes it feels like nobody gets it. Especially my husband, who tells me that I should be thankful to have the children I have now of his, that I never had to go through collick or sleepless nights or the ‘terrors’ of pregnancy and childbirth.

    But you explained so eloquently what I never have been able to.
    “And yet I know that same woman, whose heart I broke, would ache for these moments. She would give anything to feel this wanted or needed as a mother. She would happily embrace all the child issues I take for granted.”

    I am so blessed that I am wanted and needed as a stepmom, but it still hurts so much to look at my kids’ baby pictures and know that I’m never going to have that memory of love at first sight, never have the memory of bringing them into the world, always have to share them with their ‘real’ moms, and in some ways constantly be reminded that I’m not their ‘real’ moms.

    Every baby story hurts a little, but yes, my nieces and nephews, baby cousins, friends kids, every one of them, even though I might cry at what I’ll never have, I’m elated that someone I love is blessed with it.

    Thank you so much for saying those things, and putting them where people like me can see them. I really, really needed that this week, more than you’ll probably ever know. Thank you.

    Reply

  143. Elizabeth

    And this story is the reason I am a surrogate mom. 4 babies and currently pregnant with number 5! There are so many women and men who should be able to endure parenthood. Being a mom is the greatest and I wish thst love and happiness to everyone.

    Reply

    1. Angie

      Again…one of the most beautiful unselfish gifts that a woman can do for another. I didn’t go into deep detail of my personal experience and what I posted it really just touches the surface of emotion involved. Just wanted to say Thank You Elizabeth…

      Reply

  144. tricia

    Thank you for posting this. I have not been able to conceive so I have never had a miscarriage and I thank God everyday that I have not had to experience such heartache. But here I sit almost 45 with 4 siblings and the only one who could not conceive. I have PCOS, Adrenal issues, Thyroid Issues, all hormonal issues. I struggle daily just to keep these balanced so that I can live a “normal” lifestyle. My husband and I married 12 years ago with hopes and dreams of starting a family. We started trying right away and nothing happened. Went for test and found that I was the culprit. We did try hormone therapy, but that still was not working. I was experiencing a lot of pain and cancer runs very high in both sides of my family. I feared risking getting pregnant and then developing cancer – ultimately leaving my baby motherless. I felt that would not be fair to the child if we did conceive. So we chose to stop the therapies. We discussed adoption but my husband wasn’t very responsive to adopting. I would have loved to in a heartbeat but it has to be mutual to be beneficial for the child. I still long to have a child and even grand children but I know that is not in my path.

    For me the most insulting phrase I get is, “You don’t understand because you don’t have kids.” referring to situations such as being up all night and exhausted with a sick child or dealing with a young girl or boy coming into puberty, etc. This is so hurtful. Just because I haven’t had children of my own, does not mean I have not experienced these things. I have spent many days and nights helping with my nieces and nephews. I have had extremely close bonds with them. I had a niece who was killed at age 17. I was very close to her and I was hyperventilating from the grief. I had never did that before and did not even know I was until my sister came to help calm me down. Yes I have not had my own to raise, but I have been very close with those I have helped grow into beautiful mature adults. So I would ask of people to please not underestimate what others can or cannot comprehend. You have not walked all of the miles of their life’s shoes.

    Reply

  145. Jeanie

    I as well am one of the ones you was talking about. I am currently experiencing my 7th miscarriage. It is so extremely hard to sit in silence as others around you rejoice in the experience they have received by having the joys of being pregnant.

    Reply

  146. Angie

    This story just ripped into a place that I try to rarely visit. It has me in tears. For those that truly know me…know that I too tried for 16 yrs to have a baby. I tried everything put my body through so much pain and torture not to mention the emotional toll…that my infertility took. I lost 2 babies…my last Angel that I lost just about killed me mentally and literally.A year to the date that I lost the 2nd I met a beautiful 24 yr old young woman… my son’s Birth Mother. This special woman will forever hold a place in my heart that no one can ever know…because she just didn’t talk about how it would feel to do this for someone…she endeared to me the most precious gift that I ever did or will get in my lifetime…my son…her birth child. As I say that, my heart breaks…because I have often held him and shed tears for her…because there is nothing in this world so intimate and precious that one woman could do for another…there are no words to describe the feelings that you feel for this person…and most people could never understand it. Because of her and GOD I live the dream that so many women that can not have children can only dream of…to be a Mommy. Because of her I know that there is NO LOVE GREATER THAN THE LOVE FOR YOUR CHILD.

    Reply

  147. Amanda Corbell

    I found out at 19 that I would never give birth to my own child. It was a definite no. No treatments, no tries, no what ifs. I had been married 18 days when I found out. My husband later left me. Another silent shame I had to deal with. I have struggled silently in terrible pain for 9 years with not being able to have kids. I watched as my friends and sisters got pregnant and had babies. There was not a worse sight in my mind than a ultrasound picture. But never once in the 9 since since that diagnosis have I ever had anyone (who wasn’t struggling with infertility) understand with such grace and compassion. To be honest most of the time if I said anything about how I felt people either got angry or uncomfortable. Even church ladies would tell me I wasn’t being Christian by not attending all the church baby showers.
    So thank you, thank you for taking the time to think about this situation from the other persons shoes. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Thank you for encouraging and lavishing grace and love on me and I’m sure countless other women. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Reply

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  149. Susie

    It takes strength to admit your feelings in such a way. As is the case of many whom have commented, I too have been that woman, but I have also been extremely blessed with two gorgeous children. My struggles began early, I began puberty at 9yrs of age! I lost my first babies at 18, twins, I had never even considered the fact that once pregnant it could all go so horribly wrong! I went on to have another three miscarriages, during which I was diagnosed with edometriosis, we went through many many tests and apart from the endo no answer could be given. When falling pregnant for the fifth time I just shrugged it off, never expecting to reach 12wks. But I did! My pregnancy was terrible, I lost 11kg because I was so sick. At 13wks my gyno rang me and said “I need you at the hospital in two days so we can remove the cyst” I had a cyst on my left ovary, found at 2.5cm and assured it would “go away on it’s own” by now it was 8cm and needed to go so that my baby could grow. I was given the odds of 50% chance of miscarry during surgery as it was quite dangerous. I was given the “c-section” incision and recovery was hell, no pain relief and morning sickness, but I was released on Mothers day of that year and went on to deliver a beautiful healthy baby girl. I suffered another 2 miscarriages and then fell pregnant with my son, he is also an amazingly healthy young man! My husband is a rare one, he is the most cluckiest man on earth, so naturally we wanted more! It wasn’t to be. I have 10 angel babies looking after our family now. I then was diagnosed with cervical cancer, as a direct result of never been given a “clean out” after any of my miscarriages. Three weeks from diagnosis to surgery and I came through in tact! My surgeon asked “what would you like to do now?” I told him I had wanted to donate my eggs as I certainly wasn’t using them. I had thought this impossible because of the cancer, yet it was! I met a lovely couple whom had been struggling for years on and off IVF, I went through the treatment and 12 eggs were harvested, hoping for freezing, we were all ecstatic! However, only one survived and chances of a viable pregnancy were slim. However, a beautiful miracle arrived last year, in the form an a gorgeous little boy. I had so many people ask me why I donated. It’s very simple really, I went through hell and then some to have my two children and I would want someone to be there for me if I needed the same thing.
    I mourned the loss of my uterus like nothing else, and when I had a vent or a “poor-me” moment on FB, I would have friends inbox me to tell me, cheer up, I just found out I’m pregnant! No, that does not cheer my damned well up! So, being truly on both sides of the fence I say bravo and thank you for your post.
    If you have made it to the end of my comment, I thank you for reading and send you warm wishes for your chance at a little slice of heaven.

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  150. Holly Jarrett

    Amazing story from looking at it on both sides!
    My husband and I got married in 2010! That year I was experiencing severe pains in my abdomen! Well I had a laparoscopic surgery that my obgyn did in November 2010! That day changed my life forever! After the surgery he had told me that one of my tubes was collapsed! The one that was open still had some scar tissue! He had removed a lot of scar tissue during the surgery though but couldn’t remove it all! He said my chances of becoming pregnant are a slim chance to none with only 1 tube open! My husband and I tried for 2 years! Every month I had my period I was literally crushed but then in October 2011 God gave me a dream that I was pregnant! I didn’t get pregnant that month but in may 2012 I happened to be on a week vacation from my job and I was praying so hard for God to open my womb and believing that it was already done! Long story short on May 28, 2012 after I was a few days late, was having implantation bleeding I decided to take a pt and it was positive! Now days I have a almost 2 year old beautiful daughter and I just thank God everyday for blessing my husband and I with her! We are trying for a 2nd one and have been for a long time but as of now it hasn’t happened yet but I have no doubt that God will open my womb and bless me with another pregnancy again, realizing that it may take longer being that I only have 1 tube open and only ovulate every other month on the side that’s open!

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  152. Rachel

    I read this and relate to the other woman in a different way. I’m 33 and still single. I would love to have kids but it’s hard to imagine it happening soon. All my married friends are talking about getting pregnant together with their first or second child. I have to leave the room or leave all together but it hurts too much to be around their joy. They apologize sometimes knowing how much it hurts me but I know it’s not their fault.

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  153. Lisa Moore

    I too experienced 4 years of longing and waiting for a baby. We both were tested for infertility. My doctor told us that my husband sermon count was so low, he was almost considered sterile. I was heartbroken! I decided that we would be foster parents. The 1st thing they brought me was a 6 week old baby that weighed 6 pounds. He was so tiny and so perfect! He was also very sick. It took me 2 months to get him healthy where he could eat and not projectile vomit across the room! He was a blessing! Then I found out I was pregnant. I had heard of that he peninsula but I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. I had give up and decided fostering was my only hope of being a Mom. Well time went on and the foster baby went for visits with his real parents. Eventually they give him and his 4 other siblings back to his Mom and Dad. After he went back….2 weeks later….I lost my baby. I had complications arise and the baby didn’t have any kidneys. He couldn’t finish out the last trimester because the fluid in the sac was gone. That was the greatest loss in my life. That year was the hardest and saddest of my entire life. I was heartbroken!! I was an only child growing up; so my prayer was always…Lord let me not have just 1 baby, but please let me have at least 2! In 6 months after I lost my 1st baby boy, I was pregnant again. I went on to have a happy healthy baby boy, then later on a little girl, and lastly a preemie boy born at 29 weeks! God has been so good to me!

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  154. Jennifer

    I am so glad I found this blog post. These are words that I needed to hear. I have someone very close to me experiencing infertility issues and I am praying for a 3rd child. It is a very good possibility that I will have my 3rd before she can have her baby. I pray that is not the case I really want her to experience this joy. Thank you for posting!

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  155. Kayla

    Thank you so much for your words. I have hypothyroidism and pcos which makes having a baby extremely hard with many complications. After 4 years of trying we did conceive and through out had many issues. He was born over 3 weeks early but is a happy healthy 5 year old. The one thing he wants I might not be able to give him. He wants a sibling. We’ve been trying for over 18 months again with no success. Have tried fertility treatments with no success but we keep trying. It is hard to see people pregnant. I get really tired and upset of hearing ” so when are you having another one” I just want to scream and cry I’m trying! It kills me a little inside every time I hear it. I wish people understood infertility more .

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  156. Anna

    I loved your story. I have been on both sides. I’ve had 11 miscarriages. Infertility almost destroyed my marriage. 10 years later and two IVf’s I have 3 beautiful girls. One singleton and a set of twins. It’s weird how the mental damage never goes away though. I want another, but just know it won’t happen. I can ever imagine not wanting another. I felt so alone going through my infertility but now I know so many people in the same spot. I wish I could’ve stayed alone as I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone!

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  157. sherry

    Hello this story is very touching as I am to one of those mommies whoms babies are in heavan as I miscarried twice Ilove children and would love to hhave my own child this is one of the best post I have read I see post about moms and dads killing their babies and children then this post just absolutely brought my spirits up it is a joy and a great gift from god to have a child so yes it is hard for us who can’t! I would love to hold my baby one day! Thanks for sharing yyour story

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  158. Lorene

    I feel sad reading all these comments. A sense of understanding, but also sadness. Infertility and loss is so common. We just had our fourth miscarriage in five years. You want to be happy for others and your friends and your family but it is hard. And the heart breaks. And it is hard not to let separation happen from those people, but…sometimes it needs to for the heart to heal. And you want to remain friends and go to their play dates and even the crazy birthday parties… But…it is hard. And there are so many out there struggling with this.

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  159. April Hudson

    Thank you for your kind words! Not many ppl realize how many women struggle with infertility…the pain…the shame…the complete failure you feel. I too struggle with infertility. My husband and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary in February and for almost 9 years we’ve tried and tried…we did the meds, the shots, and 5 attempts at IVF. I stayed sick ALL. THE. TIME. I lost a lot of hair bc of all the meds(luckily now after lots of vitamins and no more ivf it’s all back and healthy again) We were able to get pregnant the first attempt at ivf and had triplets then lost them at 8 weeks. We were devastated BUT the docs were hopeful that at least we knew I could get pregnant but none of the other 4 attempts worked and no doc can seem to find any answers. I was completely broken and couldn’t go through the emotional roller coaster and my husband and I decided to go another route so adoption it was!! We actually decided to foster and now we have 3 boys! 2 of which we are in the process of adopting and we are so blessed! I can’t say that it was ever easy to foster bc there is still pain there when you have to give them back but if you love someone let them go if they return they are yours forever ❤️ I was one of those suffer in silent women and now I feel as though I have to tell other women that infertility is NOT THE END!! Adoption is beautiful and I couldn’t love a biological child any more than I do my boys now!! They are my heart and mine and their daddy’s world and we couldn’t imagine our lives any different. God had a plan all along and we just had to listen!

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  160. Ashley Broderick

    Hi, my name is Ashley and I’m about to turn 26. After reading this I felt I needed to share my story having seen both sides of this coin we call fertility. At age 18 it was discovered I have a rare auto immune disease that couses me to over produce my white blood cells. The side effect of this is that my immune system works so well it sees my own body and organs as being the enemy like a cold virus. By age 20 I had suffered three miscarriages the last of which was a set of twins. I was then informed by doctors that I would never have children of my own because my own body was killing them before I could make it out of my first two months. I was devastated. I come from a very large family and had run my own daycare since age 17, children were my only real dream. After suffering in silence for four years I got a terrifying miracle. On January 15 2012 I found out I was five weeks pregnant. My fiance and I were shocked. My pregnancy was very rough and terrifying. Finally tge moment of truth came in September. I went into active laber. The problem was I was a few weeks early and my water hadn’t broken. I suffered the worst pain imaginable for three straight days. Finally my water broke and I was admitted into the delivery center. I pushed for 16 hours. My son was face up and stuck on my pelvic the entire time. We started to lose his heart rate when the doctor tried to turn him over and got the cord wrapped around his neck. My heart rate began to drop to and we were rushed for an emergancy csection. My son was delivered but I was still fading. I had a seizure on the or table while they were trying to close the incision, it almost cost me my life. I was given an emergency blood transfusion and some how pulled through. My son Sean Edwin McDaniel came into the world happy and healthy at 7lbs 12oz and 19 1/2 inches long. Now at two years old he is still a happy boy and a big boy. He wieghs almost 40lbs in muscle and stands at 2 1/2 feet tall (more then half my hieght as I’m 4’10”). Even though I’m now a single mother an having my son almost killed me I couldn’t be happier and crazy enough want more kids some day. With this story being told I’d like to tell all the women struggling to have kids never give up! Just because a doctor tells you you cant have a baby does not mean its true. I’m not a christian myself but I can say with conviction the doctors are not your creater and they do not know what the future holds for you. And to the women out there who don’t understand that pain please be patient and understanding because you can’t possibly know the pain of that situation. To know that it wasn’t a fact of infertility that held me back but my own body against me was the most unimaginable pain in my life. I sincery wish that this message can bring hope to those who are in need of it and insight to those trying to understand it.

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  161. Sheila

    this article totally sums up my life and my understanding of the blessing that God provides us. As I have a sister who had conceived several times but her body could not keep her baby. Therefore, as I gave birth to my firstborn I dreaded calling her to notify her. God had already provided an answer to a prayer for me as the phone rang and she was on the other end. She stated to me, “We have a baby!” I answered, “Yes, a little girl.” She said, “No, we don’t know yet.” I was confused. She quickly cleared up the confusion by explaining that they were chosen by a birth mo the evening before and would have a baby in a few weeks. Now this was not my only miracle of emotional understanding by God. As I was pregnant with my second child my other sister was as well. We compared and shared our joys together until her 5 month, when all of a sudden her baby stopped moving. She had to have a DNC and buried her daughter a few days later. Now I had to face this sister with a growing stomach and didn’t want to hurt her anymore than she already had suffered. God performed a second miracle as she became pregnant with another child just before my child was born. I often think of how strong these sisters are and that God knew their strength. He definitely made me aware of when and how to share or conceit my joys. Enjoy those gifts God presents us with and prAy for strengths in those struggling with his plan. Thank you again for sharing your experiences.

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  162. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for this article. My husband and I are struggling with infertility. This is the most considerate and kind article I’ve ever read. I’m struggling to hold back my tears because this very morning I found out that I’m not pregnant, again. I don’t struggle with seeing other women’s ultrasounds and holding their babies. I’ve been praying and trying to be intentional about rejoicing with those who rejoice, even in my sorrow. I promised myself that I wouldn’t miss out on the joy of my best friend telling me first, of all people, that she’s expecting for the third time. That’s an honor that I never ever want to miss. I hope I can continue this. I do wonder if I’ll ever get to see my husband’s face as I tell him, “You’re going to be a daddy.” Will I ever feel the kicks of a growing life inside me or see my baby suck his thumb on an ultrasound… Some days are good and I don’t feel the pain as much, but today I feel it deeply. I know God iss enough and His grace is sufficient to carry me. This article encouraged me. Thank you.

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  163. Dawna

    hello! This was a beautiful post. I have 3 beautiful babies here on earth. 1 in heaven. In between my two oldest, I became pregnant. Soon after a friend of a friend lost her baby. I didn’t fully understand that pain. Than a few weeks later, I lost mine. Than I understood. It has been almost 5 years. Last year was the worse for me. I was missing her terribly, not that I was ungrateful for the ones I have, but for some reason she was always on my mind. My grief was made even greater when my pregnant sister decided to use the same name for her baby as I did mine. I have had to forgive, but even to this day I cannot be around my niece.
    I will never know what it is like to not be able to be a mommy. I was told many times I wouldn’t have kids. But I do know the pain of loss. My two youngest, i feared losing them. Had complications. But they were all healthy.
    Thank you for writing this, I think up until last year, I had dealt quietly with my pain…it was only after talking about it and being surrounded by a great group of supporting women, that I have been able to bring a voice to my pain. I hope your friend was able to find support and a voice for her pain.
    Thank you again!

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  164. Jessica

    This is beautiful! I was the friend whose heart was broken and 2 of my best friends called to tell me they were pregnant the same day, so excited. It was the worst day of my life. I am happy to say I was blessed to be able to adopt, and that I no longer feel that sadness and anger in other people’s joy. Thank you for making people aware. Godspeed!

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  165. Jen

    I’ve been on both sides, taking fertility drugs for 3 years and finally getting pregnant. My first 3 were difficult and it hurt so much to see everyone getting pregnant but me. Now I’m having my 5th kiddo, and I’m so blessed! Gods not only given me the blessings of 5 beautiful healthy children, but a sensitive spirit towards moms who are infertile/or have a difficult time.
    There is a pain that scars you deep when you try for so long, and once the kids start popping out, and you see women who accidentally get pregnant, or try once with success, it stings! You remember the dozens and dozens of pregnancy tests, your hope shattered, painful fertility treatments, it comes flooding back. But you have to remember that God had a reason for making you just the way you are! He doesn’t make mistakes!

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  166. Kaity

    Just four months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful stillborn baby girl. Before that, I was pregnant while my best friend struggled with infertility and miscarriage. We have now traded roles as she is about to have her baby while I grieve. Many other friends are pregnant as well. I do not have any friends that don’t have children. I am in the struggle that you talk about of ttc-ing while surrounded by happily-pregnant, complication-free women. I know both sides of the story too well. You beautifully put words to the way that I feel and struggle to explain. I hope to one day be one of you women who have found joy among the pain, you inspire me.

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  167. Erika

    I needed to hear words of hope as I’m awake from the pain my endometriosis causes me.
    I have shed more tears than I thought I would because I always wanted to adopt. However people glibbly state oh you could adopt without knowing the huge process that is and where you need to be financially or a appropriate housing if you foster adopt.
    My husband and I are now heading to Milton Hershey to be house parents of 12 children! We are so excited. Our hope is in God to create a family for us that glorifies him.

    I also want to say even though you are pregnant and I am not doesn’t mean I don’t always want to not share in your joy. I would have friends avoid me when pregnant too! So isolating… I think the best is when I have friends who understand and give me space to attend a baby shower or not. To opt in or out of baby pictures.

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  168. Diana Sundwall

    Wonderfully said! I run a nonprofit called Infants Remembered In Silence, Inc. (IRIS) and I can not tell you how many times over the last 28 years we have heard the same words of pain. Thank you for sharing and explaining the pain so well for so many people. I believe every women should read this, it is true for so many areas in our lives. Again thank you!

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  169. Apryl Clement

    I have tried for 8 years to get pregnant. My sister got pregnant 3 months after her wedding and I was devastated because I had been married a year and a half. But when all three of her babies and the three babies that my youngest sister gave birth to came into this world I celebrated each birth and have been there to be the best aunt I could be. In fact out of the 6 kids 4 of them prefer me over my mother. Years ago my husband and I decided to stop trying to get pregnant and become CPS foster approved parents. The day after we were approved I got asked by a friend to adopt her baby girl who was due July 4th. The baby came and we started the process of making her ours. Three months later, 10 days before she was sign all rights away she asked for her back. This was harder then not being able to get pregnant. The day after she left my mother now tells me that I said ” The only reason Heavenly Father would take her away is because someone is going to come into my life that has lost somebody and I will be there to help them. and maybe we can heal each others hearts.” Three months after my sweet little Kora went back to her birth mother we were called by one of my husbands cousins and told that her nephew and niece and had been removed from their parents and were never going back. She asked if we could take them. I said yes, and CPS started the process of placing a 5 year old girl and an 8 year old boy with us. After a difficult journey we were able to adopt the kids on Jan. 9th 2014. My now 10 year boy came up to me and said “I have lost people in my life and you have helped heal my heart. I hope I am healing yours.” And I say yes my son you have.

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  170. tamera

    This story really hit home, for both sides…I’m blessed to be the mom of an amazing 7 year old boy, yet my heart yearns to give him a brother or sister. .After trying, nothing has happened. While I’m more than thankful for what I have, I often find myself envious of new babies and ultrasound pictures. I’m thrilled for my friends and family, yet I feel guilt due to the resentment and jealousy I feel over not being able to add to my family.. God blessed me and I know I shouldn’t yearn for more, but I’m human, and I do…

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  171. Sheila

    Oh my. After a negative test this morning after a VERY hopeful cycle, I needed to see this. This is so beautiful. Thanks for taking the time to be so uplifting, encouraging and supportive to the ugly infertility battle. I also love that you mentioned Hannah and 1 Samuel. That exact story brought me such peace after 2 and a half years ago, being at the hospital when my nephew was born and the same exact day finding out another one of my husbands younger, unmarried cousins just found out she was pregnant. It was like a knife through my heart. Although I didn’t want to be upset, because I knew it wasn’t very Christian like, I couldn’t help it. I felt God speaking to me so strongly to read 1 Samuel, and at that time, I didn’t even remember what that story held. So I read it and felt such overwhelming peace at that moment. If I ever have a boy, I have decided to name him Judah Samuel, Judah meaning “I praise the Lord”, Samuel meaning “because I asked the Lord”. I have had a lot of confirmation telling me I will have a baby someday, but that would take a long time to explain. Anyways, even though I am a big emotional sobbing mess right now after a rough morning with this negative test when I really thought this was it after 6 years of trying, this showed up on my Facebook newsfeed at the most perfect time. I really needed to read this. So again, thank you so much and God Bless you. <3

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  172. Jessica

    Thank you so very much for putting my silent pain into words. I am 28 and God decided many years ago that being a biological mom was not in His plan for me. While most days I am at peace with this, watching SO MANY friends experience the joy of pregnancy has shattered my heart too many times to speak of. The good Lord blessed me with a kind, loving and understanding husband who is standing by my side through a very long adoption process. We will not be biological mommy and daddy but we will be mommy and daddy and we are trusting HIS plan. He is mending our hearts. It is truly a hard and dark road to walk alone. Thank you for your post.

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  173. Stormy-chan

    A few years ago I went through a divorce because my ex-husband decided, following a miscarriage, that he didn’t want to have kids after all. It was a very difficult time because I felt like he was saying I wasn’t worthy of being a mother. I am now happily remarried to a man I love more passionately then I ever thought I could love a person. We very much want to start a family, but we need to stabilize a few things first. It’s hard for me because I still have this worry within me that someone thought I shouldn’t be a mom and left me for it. It’s not something I talk about much. My husband knows and tells me every day that I’ll be a wonderful mom, but what do I do if when we begin to try to start our family I’m not able to? Sorry I just needed to put this anonymously out into the ether and this felt like the safe place to do it. Thank you for your understanding of all our struggles. I’m sorry to burden you with mine, but know that we love you for your willingness to listen.

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  174. Cherisse

    thank you for this. I’ve had this conversation with other women who couldn’t understand that it’s such a struggle to deal with others having children around you when you can’t. Please don’t forget the husbands as well. When we got the call from the Dr that he was the reason we couldn’t have children, he was crushed. He even told me I could leave him.

    I’ve learned to take joy in others children. I don’t want to steal their joy from them either.

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  175. Cynthia

    Thank you so much for posting this. My husband & I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter that came 1 1/2 years after we started trying. We suffered a miscarriage about this time last year at nearly 10 weeks. Now, after again & struggling with health issues, I am about 7 weeks pregnant. I am so much more sensitive now than I was a year ago. When I confessed to a friend a few months ago that I had a difficult time seeing other friends Facebook posts about their pregnancies, she thought I was being selfish. She didn’t understand that I was happy for them but envious & filed with grief over my own loss. I felt so misunderstood & a little bit back-stabbed. She had, after all, had 2 miscarriages & gone through IVF before having her son & then surprise daughter 2 years later. I hadn’t told anyone else because I felt ashamed. I thought she would understand. Now that I’m pregnant again, I find myself being more patient with my daughter & appreciative of some of the discomforts I’m experiencing. Because of my experiences, I expect I’ll be more circumspect with my public posts. Thanks for recognizing the struggle that so many suffer through. We appreciate it.

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  176. Jessica

    Such words of reflection… I know your feelings, as I asked my own sister-in-law when she and my brother were going to start having children, only to find out that for the last 4 years they have been trying with no luck. I felt horrible. And I, too, experienced the same, watching my brother and her treat my own two boys as if they were their own. I think about this every day, hoping and praying for all those that either cannot have children, or have not yet figured out a way to do so, that you may somehow experience the joy of parenting in the future.

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  177. Heather

    I can relate to the coworker you spoke of. I had a miscarriage at 4 months in 2006. Since then I have never conceived and retained the baby. I found out last year that I have PCOS and while there are ways to control it, I’m still struggling with it. My husband and I have been together for almost 5years and married 2years. We have not conceived a baby yet. I’m hoping and praying that this year will be the year my wish comes true!

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  178. Wanda

    Bless you for recognizing there are two sides and as humans our reactions aren’t always how we wish they would or could be from either side.. I have seen both sides of this in a similar situation.. I had a sister that suffered many mis-carriages before actually being able to carry a child full term.. So when she did finally pass the critical stage and was so excited to share her glirious time I fiund out I was pregnant with my 3rd and didn’t want to announce it and steal her glory but I was excited to say the least even though it was my third child .. Then years later I was pregnant with my 5th child (but the contraceptive I had in place failed (IUD) and allowed me to get pregnant but it couldnt be removed without risk of mis-carriage.. Later in pregnancy I ended up with yeast infection which caused premature birth.. Our baby girl was born during week 25-26 wks and lived for 27 days until her kidneys failed..right after that my sister had a baby boy at 22wks it is unknown why she had premature birth but it happened.. It was so hard to go visit him and have all the memories of NICU thrown in our face.. But I had to go see my sweet baby nephew and root him on.. At furst sight I fell in love but still I have to admit I was jealous how could he live and not my precious baby girl.. I felt awful feeling that way and I woukd never wish anything to happen to my lil nephew but I yearned for my baby girl.. The insensitive thjngs that others say to you like well you still have your other kids.. Like her little life didn’t count at all.. Now I see my nephew as a gift from God and I know it was Gods way of helping me heal.. My heart aches daily from the loss of my baby girl that I never got to feed a bottle, I never got to hear her cry and never got to carry that baby that I went into the hospital with.. I walked out empty handed!! I pray for all mommies that they never take advantage of good fertility and for those that do not.. And that there are no babies left unloved or mistreated!! Thank you for uour post hopefully others can see there are two sides and it is hard to hide happiness or sadness but love can bring us all together!

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  179. Em

    My sister, six years my senior, has been trying for a child for 6 years. I’m terrified to try myself. Part of me is terrified that I will have the same issue and the other part is terrified that I won’t. How can you tell your BIG sister that you’re getting what she wants? The thought breaks my heart into pieces.

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  180. Lori

    I had three children and miscarried my fourth. It was sad seeing a woman at work start to show her pregnancy around the same time I should have been showing & seeing her showing off her ultrasound pictures. No one in the office knew of my loss as it happened a few weeks before I started working there. She was very apologetic when she saw me with puffy eyes after I quickly walked to the ladies room, she had asked me if I was okay & I told her. I did go on to have one more healthy baby after. It was tough though. I had to have a D/C as my baby, even though had passed in-utero, was not coming out. A few months later I received a bill from the hospital for an abortion. I freaked out & called the hospital. I yelled at them. I cried on the phone with them. They were so sorry for the wording on the bill. I think they wrote the bill off as I never received another one from them.

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  181. Shaylee

    I thank you for this! Most of our family and friends don’t know but my husband and I have been trying for 11 months now in the mean time 3 of my sisters, my aunt and 10 other friends have gotten pregnant. I am so happy for them and there posts give my joy but it can be very hard at times. I feel like I constantly remind myself it is their special time and mine will come. We have had 1 miscarriage. I have not gone to the doctor to see about infertility I just haven’t gotten the courage to go yet afraid it will brake my spirit if thats the case. I remind myself my heavenly father is stronger than any doctor. I thank you for this post and love that feels your words!

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  182. Bobbi

    After wanting a child for many years and not conceiving, I had all but given up when I got pregnant at 40. Only a few weeks later, I miscarried. That was followed by an emergency hysterectomy. I was devastated. I was so sad. Anything could trigger a grief burst, even an animal losing her baby on animal planet. My husband was so supportive and patient with me, even though I knew he was grieving, too. It was at this time we had just moved into our new house. I was still recovering from surgery and I was at home when the cable guy came over to hook up our cable. As he worked he made conversation, but this man recognized my sadness. He had seen it before. He made a polite enquiry as to my health (I was still very pale), and when I told him, he said, “You should look into adoption. It can be a long and arduous road, but it’s worth it. Just as much as you want a child, there are kids out there who want parents.” He didn’t push it. He dropped it after that. But I told my husband and we thought about it. He was so right! Why hadn’t we thought of it?!
    Well, it was a long and arduous road. It took long time to get through the paperwork, background checks and evaluations. It was like applying for a job, but with ten times the paperwork. However, when we told them we would adopt siblings they were overjoyed. There aren’t that many families willing to take on a sibling group out of foster care. They come with “baggage” after all. After a year, were were blessed with a three year old girl and her one year old brother. They had some problems that they wouldn’t have had, had i concieved them, that’s probably true. But they have blessed our lives in so many ways. Now they are as happy and healthy (and as much ours) as a biological child would be.

    Reply

  183. Liz

    Thanks so much for this post, I feel awful whenever I cry or get upset over joyful baby news. I keep a brave face, and believe or not I love every single one of them little miracles to bits. But it is hard to know and see what you are missing over and over again.

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  184. Sue

    My husband and I have been trying for 8 years. We had our first pregnancy this October, But at a little over 5 weeks we miscarried. I still try to have faith, but it is getting harder seeing all those around me getting pregnant and having babies.

    Reply

  185. Kasey

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. Last night I shared this on Facebook, really the only time I have shared anything about our fertility journey. I am so grateful that you gave me the words that j could not say to my friends and loved ones. Thank you!

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  186. Amanda Lasley

    I have PCOS and after surgeries I was told I have 0 to 1% chance of having a baby after 5 years of trying. We were completely heartbroken, but we didn’t give up. My doctor recommended I take birth control to help with my menstral cycle. I refused because I knew I would have a baby even though chances were null to none. I was that person always sitting in the doctor’s office listening to the stories of everyone’s wonderful news or even worse listening to women cry when they found out they were pregnant. I went nearly every month because I didn’t have a regular cycle and I knew I was pregnant each month. The answer was always the same… I’m sorry, or maybe next month. So, my husband and I prayed about it we accepted that God’s answer was no. We knew we were supposed to be someone’s parents though. Maybe just not the way I always thought. So, one day I got a call about a girl who wanted me to be her baby’s mommy. My husband and I adopted our first born son! That’s what God wanted. He wasn’t saying no. He was saying wait, this is how it’s meant to be. When my baby boy was 9 months old I felt this weird pain. It was my doctor’s last day at his practice at our town. I went to see him and let him meet our son. Guess what he got to tell me as a going away present? I was pregnant with my baby girl! After 9 years of trying, God had said my wait was over. I am now the mommy of 3 beautiful children. And that is plenty. I have been at both ends of this. My heart breaks for all those that are going through fertility issues. I will be praying for you.

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  187. Mandy Muller

    What an incredible post. I am thankful for the peace the Lord has given me over not being able to have a baby. Thank you for such sweet caring words.

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  188. Barbara

    I am 46 years old and have 16 children. The first 5 pregnancies went well (5 perfect children). Then the suffering began………….. it followed with 8 miscarriages! The doctors had no idea what was wrong. I went through many tests and ultrasounds and everything checked out. Then through prayer, I became pregnant again at 43, we were happy but frightened. I usually miscarried within the first 10 weeks. but reached 11, 12, 13 weeks and all was good. I ended up having a beautiful 9lb baby boy. What a blessing! Then, I became pregnant again and we were excited, I took the pregnancy test on our 14th wedding anniversary! What a gift! Could I carry this one full term? Was it all behind us? No, I miscarried after 7 weeks. Totally devastated. We continued to pray and console eachother and 6 weeks later found out I was pregnant again. Here we go again……….. 10 weeks, 11, 12, 13 weeks all is well. I am at 25 weeks now and baby is fine. Please pray that our baby will be fine and we will be holding him in our arms in April. Thank you for writing your article, it gives women a chance to see that miracles do happen. May God Bless you always.

    Reply

  189. Riza

    i would like to thank you for this blog. I am one of those women who can not have children. I thank you for the prayers for us.

    Reply

  190. Chelle

    I was told at a young age I would probably not be able to have kids. Despite all that I was able to get pregnant had a daughter, then when she was about not quite a year we found out we were pregnant again we were so happy. We were blessed with a son. Then when he was a little over a year we tried for another child and it took 3 years for us to get pregnant we finally did. We decided to wait to tell everyone and told everyone around Valentine’s Day because we were what we thought through that critical stage we were due Sept. 21. but the next week I had a miscarriage and we lost our baby, I was devastated. I had everyone tell me that maybe the baby had something wrong with it or it was meant to be, but that was like a knife to my heart and then the same day we lost my mom handed me my baby nephew that was about 6 weeks old, that killed me, I just cried. I wasn’t sure I wanted anymore after that but my husband and I decided maybe we would try and then nothing happened so we were giving up and then we found out we were pregnant it took 3 years again. We were blessed with another son. After him we decided we were done and well when he was about 1 and half years old we found out that we were pregnant again, with another son, we went into premature labor with him and they thought he was 7 weeks early but he only ended up being 3 weeks early. All three of my boys I had trouble during the pregnancy and/or the delivery. So with being blessed with 4 kids at home with us and our 1 angel in heaven we are done and happy with our family. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss our angel in heaven, but through it all my husband has stood by my side and we have always been there for each other. So my heart goes out to those that have lost children, not been able to have children, because I was told at a young age due to medical things that I would never be able to have kids so my dreams of a family were shattered until I was shocked to find I could have kids, but losing a child is just as heart breaking as well. I am truly blessed with the kids I have and a wonderful husband.

    Reply

  191. Carrie

    Thank you so much for sharing. I am blessed with two wonderful girls -2 and 6, but it was an up hill battle to get pregnant. It took me two years of trying the first time and even longer the second time. We have thought about number three, but I am unsure if I could go through it again. Your words are a reminder to me not to take any of the moments with them for granted!!

    Reply

  192. Melissa

    This blessed me sooo much!! Being diagnosed in September of 2013 with stage 4 endometriosis I know all too well the hurt you spoke about. I’m thankful to GOD for his grace and mercy. My husband and I are dealing with this day by day and we choose to believe that GOD will give it’s the family we want. Thank you for sharing this beautiful article!!

    Reply

  193. Maria

    What a beautiful heartfelt post with amazing compassion! I, too, suffered from infertility. We are blessed with an adopted son. I’ve had four miscarriages and one stillborn. While our son was five in 1992, I had two IVF attempts, which on the second one I became pregnant with twins. I lost the first one at two months and then went on bed rest for three months. I only got out of bed to shower and go to the rest room. I felt like I was in jail. You would not believe how some friends and family members were so helpful and, of course, others weren’t. Unfortunately, at nearly six months, the other baby died. We named him Christopher. Needless, to say, burying a son is the most difficult thing I’ve ever went through. I still draw on that at times when I’m going through a rough time. Because I know I’m a survivor. I didn’t have the heart to try IVF again. I’ll never know why I couldn’t have a biological child. And, it’s ok. I accept that it wasn’t meant to be, so I went back to school and became a nurse. And, I saved lives. What’s difficult to accept at times is what God wants for us not what we want. Anyways, thank you so much for this heartfelt post. It really did my heart good even after all these years…thank you!

    Reply

  194. Jenn

    I can not thank you enough for being open enough to write this message. Thank you. THANK YOU.

    I too have been struggling with infertility for over 5 years now (I’m almost 38). My husband and I attempted an IVF cycle spring of 2014, only to lost both of the little ones we had transferred. I was devastated. A few months later, I lost my mom – an amazingly strong woman, to cancer. My heart has been broken in so many ways.

    During the year of struggles for me, 3 women in my circle of acquaintances got pregnant (for all of them this was their next pregnancy) I was happy for them, really, but it was so bitter sweet. I knew that I would again have to hear about their pregnancies/babies non stop for at least the next year. How would I get through it?

    Fortunately my Sister-in-law at least understood when I had to decline attending her baby shower. It was too soon after my mothers’ passing and I was going through a fresh wave of grief from the miscarriage as well. I am so thankful that she understands or is a least sympathetic that I don’t gush over every FB post she does.

    I continue to circle my baby hope in prayers and know that my mom (and dad who passed almost 4 years ago) are looking down on me, keeping watch. I still have hope.

    Just reading this blog and all the other uplifting comments help. So again – Thank you.

    ~ Jenn

    Reply

  195. kristie

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I wish my girlfriends had understood even an inkling of what you’ve written here while I was going through infertility. Instead I felt I had to swallow my feelings and “stop being selfish” and act like every. single. pregnancy. was the best thing in the world (I sucked at it). As if never being able to have children wasn’t horrific enough, it was so incredibly isolating and even more devastating not having any women in my life that even attempted to “get it.” Thank you for this. The line you wrote “I am sorry for not understanding your pain and grieving with you instead of jealously wanting my joys to be more important than your sorrows” just summed up every single time that I’ve had to swallow all of my sadness and pretend to be happy when I wasn’t. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Reply

  196. Michelle

    This post is incredible. I have often times wondered how my “fertile” friends feel around me. My husband and I did IVF in May of 2014 and were thrilled to learn we were expecting twins. Our twins came at 22 weeks in October and passed away after being here a little over a day. Thank you for posting this.

    Reply

  197. rebecca moore

    Thank u for thoes kind words and from someone who will never be able to have children it brought me to tears it is hard but we make it my husband and i thats all we have ever wanted and r now talking about adoption so maybe one day god will bless us with one of our own thur adoption

    Reply

  198. Natasha Dillow

    Thank you so much, I’m writing this in tears. I wasn’t infertile, it’s very easy for me to get pregnant, yet my arms are still empty. You see I have 4 angels waiting for me. All girls, Angel died just 2 weeks after we found out about her at 6 weeks, then almost a year later our Hanna was coming. She made it to 12 weeks and we were blessed with a amazing ultrasound showing her pudgy profile, sadly that was the day she died, our 3rd anniversary. 2 hard years later I got pregnant again with Hope, she was 7 weeks 3 days when she was gone. Then 7 weeks 3 days after her I was back again losing my Lily. Hope saved my life when I had a D&E, Lily was her ectopic twin who was dislodged and safely landed in my uterus. I have endometriosis now. So thank you for writing and thinking about the one’s who have no babies but would give anything for just one.

    Reply

  199. Kristen Burris

    What a beautiful perspective you have shared so openly with your heart. I am a fertility expert who takes the most challenging cases of infertility throughout the US and helps women get and stay pregnant without drugs or surgery. I see the failed IVF’s, failed IUI’s and see the grief and pain and torment women and their partners go through day after day, year after year. Thank you for sharing your piece of compassion I pray will influence other positively. I share fewer posts on social media about the joy in my life knowing too, that someone will be devastated by my happy, child-related, joyous news. I commend you for sharing and so grateful you have reached so many in the darkest place they have ever known.

    Reply

  200. Jennifer

    I realize this was posted a year ago & you may not see this comment, but I wanted to thank-you for sharing such a beautifully written and heartfelt post!!! Of course I cried (but that’s ok) while reading your post, but that’s only because infertility hits home for me. I too, dreamed of the day when I would be called “mommy” but that will never be a role I get to do. We tried to conceive for 10 long, hopeful, yet painful years. After 6 IUI’s, 1 IVF, $40k out of pocket and 2 miscarriages we walked away, childless. We decided to try and enjoy life, we now live a different dream. We sold everything we had, bought a sailboat and moved aboard! You can read more about our new life on our blog: foreverlivingirie.blogspot.com

    Reply

  201. Beth

    Hi Tammy
    Thank you for posting this. I really appreciate that someone that can have children can express this empathy. We have been trying for 5 years and have 3 little angel babies. Honestly, infertility is like being in a state of constant grief. So all of those baby announcements, pictures, showers, commercials… Everything! Is a constant reminder — all of the joy that other people are experiencing I can actually deal with and I actually feel happy for them. I don’t want anyone else to go through this.
    BUT what I cannot take is when people complain about their children. I just honestly want to smack them in the face. Ugh!

    Thanks for posting.

    Reply

  202. Stacey Detrick

    I too struggled with infertility because of PCOS. I tried clomid a few times and it didn’t work. Then my amazing OB decided to try me on Metformin (diabetic drug) and I got pregnant with my son. When I went to try for a second baby, I didn’t even bother with the fertility drugs, but instead went right back to taking the Metformin and had no trouble getting pregnant the second time. I haven’t been on birth control since I began trying for my first which has been 9 years now and the only time I’m managed to get pregnant was while taking this. Not that I am “prescribing” this to anyone struggling, but I would suggest at the very least bringing it up to your OB/GYN. Supposedly there’s a link between insulin resistance (even on a low level) and PCOS according to another Dr. I used to see for bio-identical hormones. Another thing that may have played a role in my situation is that I found out after having my kids and through all of my hormone struggles, that I am hypothyroid. Had only a few of the systems, not overweight or gained weight suddenly, but once they put me on the thyroid rx it did regulate my irregularity. I am only on the lowest side of the normal range, but the endo Dr. said that is enough to effect the female reproductive hormones. Just sharing what I’ve learned along the way and hope it helps another woman who is struggling as I did. What I found is not to be put off or accept certain things from even the Dr.’s. Be your own advocate. Research and ask or demand. :) A good Dr. will listen and react accordingly. It can be quite a rough and bumpy journey, but well worth the effort.

    Reply

    1. Stacey Detrick

      And I forgot to mention this article is a blessing and good reminder to be mindful of others journeys and struggles. I have another friend who struggled for years and I was so afraid when I got pregnant to even see her for fear of hurting her, but she was amazing and our struggles brought us closer. When I told her I was afraid that my pregnancy would hurt her, she said that it actually inspired her because she had watched me struggle too. What a gracious and positive thing to think and feel at that time. She too finally got pregnant at the age of 47 with her first and 49 with her second!

      Reply

  203. Elizabeth

    From someone that struggles with infertility – it’s okay to have your hard days too! It’s okay to have the struggles I long for and need to vent about it. Don’t beat yourself up too much. And don’t just avoid talking about it. I need to talk too! We all have our struggles and blessings. Thanks for your kindness and consideration.

    Reply

  204. Katy

    Ladies, I want you to know there is hope. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for eight years. We have been thru multiple surgeries, countless IUI’s, and three IVF cycles. We have had four miscarriages. I am very surprised and thrilled to announce that we are 32 weeks pregnant. It happened without trying and was a complete accident. There is hope. I’m not going to mock you and say that it happens in God’s time or when you stop trying. I know that some of you will continue to suffer. I will tell you that you are not alone and that you are very special and very strong. Please don’t lose sight of the wonderful person you are.

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  205. Jackie

    I was one of these silent grievers. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 18. My husband and i tried for 12yrs to get pregnant. We did have two early miscarriages (at about 8wks) after many many many rounds of IUI’s. We then started the adoption paperwork, i just couldn’t do it anymore; but we decided we’d try one more time. If the doc said it would be a perfect round for IVF we’d do it. We’d go all out! It was a one-time deal because it’s so expensive…and i was just done. As it went they harvested 26 eggs…in the end we had 2 viable embryos. I said the MOST heartfelt prayer/plee to my Father in Heaven to have these 2 embryos take. Our prayers and trial of faith were answered with twin boys (who just turned two).

    I recall MANY moments of pain, frustration, hurt, disgust when people got pregnant and would complain about their pregnancies or sleepless nights. I remember baby showers i just couldn’t attend. Many people i could not be happy for.

    Motherhood is not what i imagined. Its SO great and SO unbelievably hard. I find myself on those super hard days of dreaming to our child-less years that seem (now) to be so care free and easy (but they weren’t). But then there are many more moments when you just cannot picture your life ever without those little children that we have been blessed with. Life is funny sometimes.

    I pray that all those that are/continue to struggle and grieve will have their prayers answered. Sometimes we don’t get what we want or what we think we deserve, but i know we can try to the best of our situations.

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  206. Naomi

    I lost our 6th baby during pregnancy…then I got pregnant with my “rainbow” baby… I have fb friends who lost babies too…some of them have no living children, others do but for some reason just can’t get pregnant…this breaks my heart. It is not easy for me to balance sharing about the joy my “rainbow” brings us and mourning with those who hurt. Thank you for this post, I will share it!

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  207. Brandy

    I enjoyed reading your blog….I have a hand in both worlds. When I married the first time I had 3 kids, 2 1/2 years apart easily. When I remarried we wanted more kids. I miscarried at 9 weeks the first time, and it took me almost 4 years to get pregnant again. That time I lost my little girl at 24 weeks. My next loss happened at 15 weeks. I went in for a routine untrasound with him. Since then, no pregnancies. I can tell you how hard it is function on 4 hours sleep, and how showing 3 times a week is a miracle with a baby and toddlers in the house! I can also tell you how soul shattering it is to hold your baby born still, and thinking it’ll all be better if you could only get pregnant again. Then you don’t.

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  208. Aga Kass

    I was very touched with this article. I was one of thoese women as well. My husband and I were trying for a baby for almost 4 years. We had one miscarriage throug that time. We went to 3 different fertility clinics and had 4 unsuccessful inseminations. I was heartbroken. We were told in all those clinics that we have only 3% chances of getting pregnant naturally which seemed like 0 to us. We were told that in vitro was our only hope and we had about 50-60% chances to get pregnant. So we started to save money (we did not have insurance that covered it). We did not go on any vacations, we were trying to avoid any bigger spendings so we could start in vitro as soon as we had those needed money. I experienced all of those feelings described in the article. When my sister got pregnant with her second child (both times after 1-2 months of trying) I was depressed. I could not be fully happy for her which made me feel bad about myself. I really wanted to be happy for any friend who shared good news of being pregnant. And it was like haveing mix of feelings. From one hand you are happy but then you go home and cry, cry cry… Every pregnant woman remind you about your situation. And when we were ready to start the whole proces of hope to have our dreamed baby I called the fertility clinic and was told that I need to call them back on the first day of my period, but my period never came. You can imagine my face when I saw a positive pregnancy test. 3% of chances and we were pregnant. Through the whole pregnancy I was carefully happy and did not share the news with anybody but coworkers, sisters and parents. People found out about my baby few days after he was born (some even got mad that they did not know I was pregnant). I was affraid to share it earlier. My happiness was mixed with fear if everything is going to be ok. Now my son is 3 years old, my other son just turned 1 and I am expecting a girl in April. 3% and I am going to have 3 children in under 4 years. Whay am I wring about it? To give some of you hope, hope I did not have few years ago. I am still very sensitive about the subject of infertility and it always breaks my heart to hear that someone is still waitting for her miracle. To all of those women that are struggling I feel your pain, I was there and I am hoping you will find strength to fight and not give up. I hope you will also have you miracle someday.

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  209. Magaly

    When I turned 18 I was so excited to start college and start my life but shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do, I was happy and sad, excited and mad..
    I was 18 about to start college.. The father wasn’t gonna stick around, and like I thought he didn’t once I told him.
    I knew this baby was a gift cause not even a month before I was told my chances for kids was slim to none.. I would have kept him if I was older, if I was mentally ready, if I had the money. So I found a couple to adopt him and I still get to see him. Seeing All the joy they have with him makes me happy. But I know once I’m ready to start a family, it will be hard..
    My OB said I’m probably gonna have to have a historectomy before I’m 35. Yes that’s in 15 years, but.. Its still hard. So glad there are some women out there who understand this feeling as I do…

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  210. Elli

    We’ve been going through infertility for 10 years now. We’d have 23 children now if everything had worked out. It can be so devastating, especially as you beg God to understand why he’s witholding such a good thing from you. We have learned so much and grown so much over those 10 years, with no answer still in our sights.

    And just recently I had a realization. My best friend who might as well be my sister got pregnant and excitedly told me what she was naming her baby. It not only was one of the names on my ” If I get to have children I want to name them this” names. It was the LAST name on my list that had not been used by close family and friends. And it just took the wind out of me. It was like I finally had to look at myself and say..I’m probably never going to be able to have children. And it sunk me to a bit of a low.

    And I hear her happily still jabbering on and waiting for my response. And I just want to cry out to her, “But that is my last name! Please don’t take it! And I’m sad and hurt and tired of this going on for so long.” But I don’t, I just happily respond to her in congratulating her for her beautiful name. Why? Because I know it makes me look like a jerk to show any of my real feelings during peoples most joyous moments, and after all I want people to be joyously happy for me in my moments!

    And that is what is so hard about infertility…all of those natural feelings also come with feelings of guilt for being jealous, feelings of trying to struggle to be genuinely happy for someone else, lonliness because even if someone has gone through infertility they still haven’t passed through it the same way I have. Anger, depression, frustration, hope over and over being slammed to the ground. Of over 120 times in 10 years finding out you are NOT pregnant…but still hoping the next month will be the one.

    And all of those feelings you have to deal with internally because saying them out loud makes you a jerk. And people look at you like you already feel..selfish..jealous. And it’s embarrassing. So instead we suffer, emotions and bad memories constantly being triggered by baby bumps, friends announcements, the mom ahead of me in line that just slapped her child. And constantly daily, I’m having to learn to overcome my feelings without turning depressive and hardend. So yes, please be patient with our sadness…it’s so hard to overcome such raw emotions that overwhelm us. I’m trying so hard to overcome all of those feelings that sometimes I wish were validated by friends and family…but until then don’t be upset please if all I can do is just smile. <3

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  211. Mandy

    It breaks my heart when I hear about someone struggling with infertility. Unfortunately, it seems I’m hearing about it from more and more of my friends and family members. My husband and I were lucky enough to become pregnant right on our time schedule. I do, however, understand the disappointment and jealousy that comes from seeing others obtain something that I had dreamed of since I was a girl and the realization that it may never happen for me. Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I saw family members and friends fall in love and get married while I remained single. Each time I received another invitation to a bridal shower or a wedding it was a reminder that I may never have the family that I had always wanted. I may never have a partner to share my life with. It was even more hurtful when these married friends/family would talk to me about how lucky I was to be single – to travel the world, to focus on my career, to live my life without having to consider anyone else. Luckily, I was blessed to meet an amazing man and to marry in my late 30s. My experience has made me more conscientious of how I interact and what I say to those who may not have the family they dreamed of, whether that’s because of never marrying, divorce, an unhappy marriage, infertility, or problems with children.

    Reply

  212. Sherry Ford

    Your story was posted on a friend’s Facebook page yesterday, and it came on a good day, because I needed it. The friend hasn’t suffered from infertility or a loss, but I certainly appreciate her posting it. My daughter has been trying for a child for eight years. Six years ago, she suffered a miscarriage. She hasn’t been able to get pregnant since then. She lost a tube and ovary before the miscarriage, so her chances have been cut in half. She has taken fertility drugs, injectible medications, and one IUI, with no happy outcome. IVF is probably her only chance to have a baby, and that’s just simply out of the question, as her insurance provider does not cover IVF. Yesterday, her best friend announced she was pregnant with a little girl. No one even knew she was pregnant, let alone, far enough along to know the sex. I know my daughter is devastated, but won’t say it. She’s a God fearing Christian girl who has had so many problems with her female parts; breast nodules, tumor on the ovary, etc… Yesterday, I cried for her. I ask God, why ?? Why her ?? She does not deserve this. But she says “it’s okay momma”. When your child scraps their knee, you can kiss it and make it better. With infertility, there’s no making it better. And as a mother, you only want to help your child. But I can’t help her. I’ve prayed, she’s prayed. But God does not answer her prayer. I know there’s a reason, but it’s so hard to deal with. Only 24% of women will become pregnant each month, yet teenage girls, drug dependent women, etc…seem to have no problem. And it makes you wonder how come they are the 24% that get pregnant. How lucky can you be. I have prayed for God to please find favor with her and help her. My heart just aches for her. Thank you for this wonderful article. It says everything you want to say, but don’t.

    Reply

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  216. anonymous

    I met and married my wonderful husband when I was 33. I had been diagnosed with endometriosis in my 20s and told by one doctor that I would have trouble conceiving but I didn’t believe that, not for one second. I thought I’d proved my fertility by donating eggs to a childless couple, and learning that they achieved a pregnancy. After 2 years of trying naturally and having every kind of test done it was confirmed – nothing wrong with me, but my husband has no sperm. I’ve spent my 30s trying everything to get pregnant with the help of assisted reproduction and a donor. 15 IUIs and 4 IVFs and have suffered 4 miscarriages. I am that woman in your article silently grieving. I’ll admit I have felt the pain and negative feelings that go with having this natural yearning for a child of my own. It’s the most selfish thing there is to have a child of your own, and I know that now. I don’t regret everything I’ve done to try to achieve this dream of ours. With time, I have had to let go and let God plan out the rest of my life. I have tremendous respect for and admire and can now be happy for all the moms around me, that have a child which I can never have. Thank you for this post reminding me of the capicity for kindness and compassion in all of us. God bless you Tammy!

    Reply

  217. Cassie

    Well geez. I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. Thank you SO much for this beautiful post. My husband and I have been TTC for 4 years and have now moved on to the decision to adopt. What you said has really touched my heart and given me comfort to know that someone in your blessed position can understand why I might feel the way I do. Thank you, thank you.

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  218. Kacie

    This was a great read. I am 30 years old and had to have a hysterectomy at age 28. Thus was by far the hardest decision I have ever made. I knew I couldn’t continue in the physical pain that I had been in for so many years but that is nothing compared to the emotional pain I suffer from now. I have always wanted children. I love kids and always pictured myself with many kids. I see so many of my friends , co-workers, family, and even strangers with kids and I ask why couldn’t that have been me? I get angry when people complain and say how “bad” their children are. I find it hard to rejoice when others have children. This really helped me to know I’m not alone. So many go through this. Not that I would wish infertility on anyone but it there is comfort in knowing others know how I feel. I thank you for bringing this to light for others so they can be aware of what it can really do to others.

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  219. Nicole

    Thank you for this wonderful article. I too have been on both sides of this.
    As a young 18 year old, I unexpectedly found I was pregnant. I was scared, but overjoyed at the same time. I was a only child, and had always dreamed of a husband and a large family. My son was born 11 days after my 19th birthday. He was perfect. I was missing half of my dream family, as his father left me at 3 months along. 6 months later, I met a man I fell in love with. He cried the first time he saw my son. I knew he was the one. We married 6 months later.
    We found out we were pregnant 3 months later. We were so happy! I went for a checkup at 10 weeks, and was told we had an ectopic pregnancy. I needed emergency surgery. I had to consent to ending my babies life. I cries for weeks.
    We tried for 2 more years and nothing. I started fertility tests, and there were still no answers. I took fertility meds for the next year, along with IUI. Still no baby. I quit for a month to give my body a rest. This month, god decided to bless up with another son.
    We were so happy! My husband worked on the road, so I was overwhelmed a lot of times. But I had a start on that large family.
    A year later I started infertility treatments again, only to have another ectopic. We continued with treatments for 6 more years and suffered 2 more miscarriages. It was time to stop, thank god for my 2 beautiful boys, and live our lives.
    I still miss my angel babies, but I know they are safe in God’s hands. Prayers and blessings to all women going through this struggle.

    Reply

  220. SiSi

    Hi! I wanted to say how awesome you are for recognizing other women’s pain who may not be able to conceive for I am one. But I also don’t think you should be so hard on yourself! You shouldn’t have felt like you couldn’t talk about your pregnancy or show your pictures because another woman’s struggle. I think acknowledging her pain was enough. I for one have learned to accept I may never have children of my own and embrace the wonderfulness of other women’s capabilities.

    Let me tell you a little about my story so you can understand why I feel the way I do. I was married at 19 just before I moved 2000 miles away from my family to follow my high school sweetheart to his military base. Less than a year later he was deployed to war and we spent our first anniversary apart. When he got back we began to get our lives back on track and once we did decided to try to have a baby. For what seemed like many months we tried and were unsuccessful. One day my best friend came over and told us her very exciting news that she was expecting. Of course I was a little sad for myself but I didn’t show that to her because she was about to began a new and wonderful journey.

    Two weeks later I was diagnosed with cancer. There was no time to spare 2 days after my diagnosis I began treatment and less than 4 days later I lost my beautiful hair. I was hospitalized for many months off and on. For the first month I was hospitalized my friend and I didn’t talk much. One day I asked why she wouldn’t respond to me. Finally she said because she was going through what was supposed to be the best time of her life and I was going to be too depressing for her. As you can imagine we haven’t spoken since. I was happy for her and was hoping her child would bring joy to me but she never let me have that. I see her point but I still resent her to an extent.

    I was given a shot to put me in menopause for the next year and a half as I went through daily chemotherapy. Leukemia is a very difficult cancer to cure. Once I began my maintenance chemotherapy they took me out of menopause. But it was too late for my body. The meno pause may have preserved my eggs but, the menopause and treatment has killed my bones and my body will never hold up to the capabilities of carrying a child.

    Since my diagnosis I’ve had many friends get pregnant and have babies. Most of my friends are on pregnancy number 3! I’m always happy for them and would never take their excitement away. But I’m not going to lie I cry to my husband in secret because of the pain of me feeling almost a sense of loss. I was like you, from the time I was a little girl I dreamed of being pregnant and becoming a mommy. Maybe surrogacy will be my option I’m not sure… I’m still very young only 22 at diagnosis and now only 24. But go you moms!!! I envy you!

    Reply

  221. PJay

    As a father being on the other side of this. I totally understand where the Author’s friend is coming from. Its frustrating seeing all of your friends get pregnant several times over while you are still trying for number 1. After 5 years of trying to conceive, then a miscarriage and 2 failed adoptions attempts, mentally my wife and I were spent. I politely asked my some of our expecting friends (Without my wife’s knowledge) not to send her invites to baby showers. She was okay seeing the pictures on Facebook but getting the invites depressed her. We were very happy for our friends, but it was a reminder of our failures. Our friends were very understanding. Its a difficult thing to balance grief and remorse with joy for others. Although we greeted every single friend at the hospital to see the new baby and offer our heart felt congratulations. Luckily this story does have a happy ending, we finally had a son of our own nearly a year ago.

    Reply

  222. Andrea Merrigan

    Thank you so much for your article and speaking such truth. I am one of the mommies who has no babies to hold here on earth, my story is long with a total of 8 losses. Infertility is a long, hard road and so many travel down this road. It is so hard to see moms with little ones so frustrated and fed up with being a mom when I want with all my being to have a child of my own, but I also understand the role of a mom is a tough one. I have learned how to avoid my triggers that end in tears, but sometimes there is no avoiding it. The grief and pain hits at random times. For instance I was walking by the maternity section of Target last week and the thought hit me I will never shop in that department. Having friends post baby announcements, pictures, and more on social media is so hard, but I can not fault them for wanting to share their joy. Thank you again for sharing your heart and encouraging woman to be kind, no matter what side of the road they may be on. :)

    Reply

  223. Cynthia

    Thank you for this lesson. It is one many of us have dealt with in our silence. My story: I grew up wishing to be a mom and experiencing the joys of watching my waistline increase with a loving gentle man at my side. I’ve spent my whole life around children. My mother ran a 24/7 day care and the children that needed a place for the night slept in my room with me. So when my beloved husband and I began trying and trying and trying to no avail, well you can imagine the heartbreak. We were asked numerously, “so when are you having kids?” Every time I would quietly walk away and not tell them my issue. Then, after a blessing or two, my husband and I decided to adopt. I found strength in the hopes of being a mom that way. The idea of not having children is heartbreaking in ways most will never understand. It is the one thing we as women should be able give our husbands. But as a foster mom. I have been able to love multiple children and be mom to many. My heart is full with this unselfish love. Is it easy, no but it is worth it. My husband and I have been married for twenty years, we have two beautiful children to call ours. Even though we do not foster care anymore we still love any child and rejoice with our friends when they can bare children.

    “It doesn’t matter how a child comes into your family, love them as if they were yours from the beginning anyway.” – Cynthia

    Reply

  224. Amanda

    Wow, this really got to me. Thank you. I too am one suffering in silence. But I’m not the only one. Toward the beginning of ttc we had several close friends announce pregnancy and my husband would say excitedly to me “Wouldn’t it be great if you were pregnant at the same time as ______!?” Now, when a friend announces pregnancy he doesn’t say it. He’s always wanted to be a father and I know our infertility breaks his heart too, which breaks mine even more. Little is usually said about how the man feels dealing with infertility, but I guarantee he feels it more than he lets on. I’m glad I’m not in this alone, or more so, we’re not in this alone.

    Reply

  225. Alyssa

    This was a beautiful post. I have been on both sides of this story. Infertile for 7 years. Diagnosed shortly after I was married at age 25. Devastated. Then a miracle pregnancy, only to lose our daughter to miscarriage. We named her Samantha Hope, to remind ourselves that God hears us & that there is always hope to be found in Christ. After we lost Samantha we had 3 failed adoption attempts. Heartbroken again each time. Crushed and I felt beyond repair. Exactly fours years after we lost Samantha, we learned we were expecting again (another miracle in every sense of the word). Our son was born in 2014 on our wedding anniversary. Being on each side of this story is equally was difficult. I love what you posted at the end about how this woman held your son. My best friend was pregnant with her 2nd son when we lost our daughter. I will never forget the first time I held her little guy and how I just wept for joy holding him. And she cried right along side me. Women who are experiencing infertility issues can struggle with jealousy & bitterness. I know I did. But it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to rejoice with their friends & family who are experiencing the joy they also hope for. I’ve learned that it ‘s best (and I always appreciated when people did this for my husband & I) if they offered us a choice and said, “We’re having a baby shower/child’s birthday party, etc.. It would mean a great deal to us if you could attend, but we want to be sensitive to your heart and allow you to decide whether or not you’d like to receive an invitation or attend.” Often times I opted to receive the invite and then made sure to tell friends that I would decide as the event got closer if I felt up to attending or not. I’ve also learned that just because a woman struggling with infertility has a child, it does not take away the medical issues surrounding infertility. It’s not something that magically goes away after you get pregnant. It can often mean lifelong health issues for some women. Another thing I really appreciated is when people called our daughter by name. It hurt so deeply when people referred to her as “the miscarriage”. She was a tiny person & although her life never existed outside of my body, she was still our daughter and we loved her very much.

    Reply

  226. tricia

    I appreciate this, its possible I will never be a mother due to the sins of my forefathers, I would say when God blesses us its because of unmerited favor.unmerited or our obedience not bc we are so good, He desires to bless His children. our attitude is of great importance to God He hates pride, bc as quickly as He blesses He can not bless. I understand the desire to want to share our joy, but everyday there are many who suffer so while I am learning to celebrate with those who celebrate. we must not lose sight of our fellow members who are grieving. I must not let my blessing which God has given theres not guilt in that, He raises up and sets up high, but being considerate is so important, because ‘apart from Him we can do nothing’ ( in the bible) even Eve acknowledged with the Lords help she brought forth a man. its not us its all God.

    Reply

  227. Mary Ann

    Almost 10 years we’ve been trying to have a baby. We have children, adopted, and love them dearly. Still, whenever a friend of mine gets pregnant, the grief that I thought was behind me wells up again.
    It’s not grief that I don’t have children. Or even grief that I don’t have a child of “my own”. My kids are my own! It’s grief for the whole package: the positive test, the baby growing inside me as I nourish it, the birth, the breastfeeding, et cetera. I’ve never had a tiny baby – my youngest was already 1 when we got out kids.
    I appreciate your post, because with the grief always comes guilt that I can’t be completely happy for my pregnant friends in their happiness. Thanks for addressing it.

    Reply

  228. Angie

    Thank you for this article…how well do I understand the feelings of your friend. I too had a story a lot like your beginning, to only still be without a birth child, after 21 yrs of marriage, over 7+ years of infertility treatments, we stopped everything…we figured that it was never going to happen. Then after about 6 months found out I was pregnant! We were so excited! Then one morning at 12 weeks, I miscarried. To this day, we have not been able to conceive again. Thankfully we were able to adopt and have had the joys of having an older child. We adopted her at age 7. Yes, we missed that baby stage, but at least we were able to give love to a child that was in such need. Thank you again for a beautiful article.

    Reply

  229. Carla

    wow.. Thank you for your Beautiful words. Nobody knows the heartache of the dreaming and praying for the precious little angle that never comes unless you go thru it. It’s a “silent club” that you never wish anyone to really be a part of…

    Reply

  230. Haleigh

    Thank you for this post.

    I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and I don’t have periods naturally. My husband may be sterile as well from a medication he took as a child. I do feel inadequate sometimes. God told us to “be fruitful and multiply,” yet some of us are unable and all too often it feels unfair. I long to wake up to that positive pregnancy test.

    I do get upset daily at the amount of ultrasound pictures, pregnancy announcements, baby bump pictures, baby and toddler pictures, and the complaints of motherhood that I continuously see on facebook. And hearing things in the news about parents who kill their children or abuse them — why do they get to have children? How is that fair?!

    So to see your post, and to see that you acknowledge our pain and everything about it — I am so grateful for you. May God bless you and your family.

    Reply

  231. Melody Dareing

    Thank you so much for your understanding. We are one of those couples – the reasons behind childlessness don’t matter – only to say that life hasn’t happened as we have planned. To those trying to understand, here is how to explain it. View it like a constant death, constant grief. It is after all the death of a dream. For me, it’s the death of a dream of a large family, of family gatherings, of laughter. Also for me, it’s a questioning of faith because of a promise I thought God had given me at age 15.
    It doesn’t mean I am not happy for you. I am. I just can’t be around the celebration because it is a constant reminder of my loss, my grief.
    A dear friend, whose wife had been trying to get pregnant for some time, called last fall to share his good news. They were be parents in March. With dread, I talked to my husband about my feelings on getting an anticipated baby shower invitation.
    I got it a few weeks ago. I didn’t respond right away, trying to decide whether I should go. I would certainly give a gift, but going was another decision. She then contacted me directly to ask and I gave an obligatory yes. Now, I am questioning that decision.
    My compromise is to go gift the gift, socialize a bit but leave before the unwrapping and games start.
    It is difficult also to see all my friends post children’s pictures on FB, sometimes now even grandchildren’s pictures. I am consciously skipping those.
    One more thing, when people ask about whether you have children and have heard the no reply, please don’t inquire any further. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to scuttle the question of “Do you want kids?”
    And, yes, this situation does make me feel less worthy than other women. The worst part for me is that I feel I have so much to teach about life, faith and God, but no one in the next generation to share it with. In reality, young people don’t want to hear your stories anyway, but particularly if they aren’t directly related. So, I guess my history, my family’s history, will be lost forever.

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  232. Brittany

    I love this post. It’s different for me but I can relate sort of. I had a miscarriage with my first and I can or with my second became pregnant the very first time we tried. My son was born with arpkd which is cystic kidney disease and it’s genetic . We face dialysis and a transplant and are told there is a 25% chance all children we have can have this. A lot of stillborns and death soon after birth happen. Yet, I still want a second. It’s one of the biggest and scariest decisions my husband and I will make.

    Reply

  233. Robin Allen

    Such a great story. I wish everyone knew how it’s like to be getting notifications your friends are pregnant or asked when are you going to have kids. It’s heartbreaking to me as I have MRKH (I was born with an uterus) I have known since I was 17 I am unable to give birth to my own child. I was haunted by the dating scene in college, because that’s where most people meet the man of their dreams and get married. I always told most boyfriends I wanted to wait to have sex. I told only 2 of my boyfriends about my condition (dated over a year long). the first one left me by cheating. and the 2nd one, was the man of my dreams. I am now 33 and happily married to a husband who understands what it’s like for a women to go through it. He says he has accepted my condition, but I know deep down it hurt him as well. When I tell him my friend/family are expecting, he says, ya whatever, good for them. We can’t afford to pay for invitro/surrogacy because it’s well over $10,000. after 12 years together, we have come to terms with it and are happy to spoil our 11 nieces & nephews. My husband and I have 2 rabbits who we call our kids.. People don’t understand when we call them these. They are our beautiful babies. Most of my closest friend have told me they feel bad for me and offered themselves as a suragant. My husband and I have discussed it and don’t want someone we know to be one, because it would be weird or complicate friendships. It’s been hard on our marriage, but we have been dealing with it because we love each other so much. We said we will vacation and see the world.. We are god parents to 3 of our nephews and the type of aunt and uncle who spoil their nieces and nephews. 😛 Again Thanks for seeing how many women take pregnancy and their children granted. there is many reasons why some women can’t have children. Mine is because at birth I was chosen to not to be able to have children. Maybe it’s for a reason, or maybe it’s fate.

    Reply

  234. Sunny

    As an infertile woman, thank you. I had numerous people around me get pregnant at the drop of a hat while we were trying. In 2001, we stopped trying because our insurance only covered IUI, and we needed IVF which we could not afford. Several years later (2005), we were gifted with a round of IVF through an infertility organization. Our dreams again ended in heartbreak. That was the last time we tried, and for a long time I was sure I’d never be whole again. We were foster parents at that point, and loved the children we cared for dearly, and adopted a 13 year old boy through foster care.

    If there is one thing I’d wish I had known after that summer of 2005, it’s that I’d be okay. More than that, I’d be happy. My husband and I are stronger as a couple, and are very happy with our lives. I’m more compassionate because of our struggle to conceive. I would never have chosen this road, but it’s mine and I embrace it.

    Reply

  235. Tanya

    Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. My Husband and I dealt with infertility for over 10 years. I know the pain of watching those around me getting pregnant and the pain of going to the baby shiwers, etc. But I can say that with God, all things are possible, and I gave it all to God, and had my miracle daughter just before my 11th anniversary. I feel so blessed to be a mom, but my heart breaks for all if those who struggle with the silent pain of infertility.

    Reply

  236. Samantha

    i have had several miscarriages early on in pregnancies and i have seen every single one of my friends male and female start their own little families and it pains me but i am happy to say that i am a little over 2 months now and my baby is healthy as can be and so am i so im finally going to be the mom that i have always wanted to be

    Reply

  237. Rebecca

    I was the hurt one you talk about in your blog. The one that had a miscarriage at 6 months, a son and never got pregnant again. I am the one who cried every time I had a period and every baby born to someone I knew. I now watch my friends have grandbabies and I silently want to cry but instead I love. At 57 I still ache and hurt, I have lived long enough to see God work in my life and know it is just the way He works. I have to take it to Him daily to ask for forgiveness for my disappointed heart my jealousy and then I love more. It is hard but I know one day when I meet my Jesus that all of my hurt will completely go away, I will have no more pain or tears and I will rejoice with Him. You see this is not about me, God never promised this life will be easy I understand that we will suffer but in the end I know there will be a crown that I can lay at the feet of my Savior a crown of pain and endurance. I know because He loves me and that gives me the strength I need to love even more.

    Reply

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  239. rhonda

    My fabulous daughter and son-in-law are struggling with the silent, difficult pain of infertility. A young, healthy, professional couple with resources and a loving desire to parent unable to conceive is truly devastating. All of their friends are having elaborate baby showers & gender reveal parties which she has graciously hosted and attended with a smile plastered on her face. My friends are all having grandchildren, and I too, have graciously hosted celebrations, brunches, and dinner baby parties while smiling and feeling so, so, sad for my own lovely daughter. But, the absolute worst situation to endure, is the friend who has a daughter that has managed to have 2 children by 2 different daddies, while using/abusing drugs and watching her scream at her babies. It is heart-wrenching to see women who have “accidental” pregnancies and who are ill equipped to care for them, yet they are granted easy pregnancies.

    Sigh, it is so hard to understand God’s plan in this aspect of their life. After 7.5 years of marriage, they are in the first round of IVF and I am praying for a miracle. The financial commitment is huge, along with the emotional toll of the medications, marital relationship demands & struggles….and no, none of her friends are aware or concerned about her…as they are too busy decorating their nurseries and complaining about lack of sleep or heartburn or whatever. Initially, I thought it was important for her to “be there” for all her friends, but now I feel the pain as well. It is definitely okay for her to not want to hear about it all or see all the ultrasound picture and pink balloons. Good grief, stop posting every belly picture on facebook people!
    I am glad you had the good sense to realize your friend’s pain and she the ability to enjoy your little one. You were able to show true compassion for a silent, devastating condition.

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  240. Julie

    I had my third (but really probably my fourth) miscarriage the day my sister told me she was pregnant with her second child. The next night was a family game night with my husband’s family where we expected another announcement. It didn’t come, and that sister has been dealing with secondary infertility for a couple years now, which is heartbreaking.
    I’ve been a nanny for 8 years now, and had been a babysitter when I was younger. I don’t think there’s a more important job than raising children. They are the future and the possibilities are endless. My husband and I moved across the country for a job a few months ago and have decided that I cannot raise another person’s child until I have my own. It’s too much and breaks my heart every time they outgrow the need for me or I have to leave (to move back home eventually), so for now my involvement with children might be limited to church ministries.

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  241. Alexis

    I cried reading this because I was that woman that couldn’t get pregnant. Than after one year of trying I finally was pregnant but I miscarried. I had a total of 12 miscarriages. Everyone around me was having babies. I was so sad. My friend came to visit me she was pregnant I was pregnant too just found out the heart stopped beating. I was waiting to miscarry naturally. It was hard to see her five months pregnant and I’m carrying a dead baby in me. But out of all that heart break I now have two girls 2 1/2 and 5 months. I cherished each pregnancy. I know the struggle all to well.

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  242. Susan

    3 miscarriages…1 beautiful baby girl. Took us almost 3 years to have her and it has been alomst three years of trying for a second. Thank you for this. I am a mother of four but only got to hold one. Trusting in God for all things. Big Hugs.

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  243. Whitney

    As I read your post I couldn’t help but to cry. As a woman who’s currently battling infertility and I can’t express just how nice it was to hear your kind words. It’s a battle that I never thought I’d face, always taking care of myself, always been active but yet it reared its ugly head and it’s been one of the most exotically and physically exhausting battles I’ve ever dealt with. It’s harder than I ever thought it would be and doesn’t get any easier. I truly appreciate you trying to understand it all and also giving other the ability to have just a little insight to it all. It’s something I would never in my life wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. Thank you again for your kinds words, I came across them at a time when I needed them. It’s not that we aren’t happy for those who are blessed with Gods tiny miracles it’s just our heart aches to have that same joy and unconditional love that you all have in having a child. Again, thank you.

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  244. Andrea

    Thank you. I am one who cannot get pregnant. My husband and I have tried for over 8 years–, iui’s, injections, clomid, testing, testing, testing…. Now, at 37, I have finally given up hoping. There are still times I can walk by a stand of cute baby clothes or a new mother and be moved to sad tears. My own sister blocked me on Facebook and hasn’t spoken to me in a year and a half, because I couldn’t put on a super happy face for her bombardment of baby announcements and shower. If only everyone understood what you wrote. Thank you.

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  245. Linda Soderlind

    I so can relate to what you wrote. But to encourage you all out there, My husband and I were married for 19 years when it suddenly happened out of the blue we got pregnant. We had longed to be parents for so long. I gave birth to our son (Isaac) 3months before I turned 40. So there is hope ladies. God is so good!

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  246. Porsha

    This is written so beautifully it brought tears to my eyes. I am currently trying to conceive and have been for about 8 years now . It is very hard watching other people go through the joys I would give anything to have. Thank you for these kind words.

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  247. Klara

    there are different ways on how to deal with grieve and one person is different from the other, you can not know how you will do it if you have not been there yourself, My daughter and her husband can’t have children of their own, my daughter wants it very much, they have adopted a little boy and they and we love him to the bones. my daughter is working at aproject where she helps pregnants teenagers, girls at the age of 12/13 years that become pregnant and she helps them to get around prepares them for giving birth and so on she even did a doula course, she lives in Brasil where there is not much prenatal help or other things to be orepared for Woman. I live in the Netherlands

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  249. Whitney

    Thank you so much for writing this. As a woman has has been trying for 4 years to conceive and has also gone through multiple fertility treatments without success I know the pain your friend has experienced all too well. We may never understand each others’ sorrows, but as you said in your post, we can try the best we can to offer empathy. As much as it pains me not have the opportunity to have my own children at this time in my life, I don’t believe that women that do have children do not have the right to feel frazzled by the daily frustrations of being a parent. Each of us experiences are own hardships that are unique to us and us much as it hurts to not be a parent myself at this time in my life, no one should have to apologize for being able to experience that blessing themselves.

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  250. Lily

    I am one of the women who struggle with infertility for the past 12 years. I first got married at 22 (I’m now 34) and my husband wanted a baby right away. During this time I just got pregnant a couple of times, but miscarried. After several years of marriage, my husband couldn’t take the pressure anymore and decided to leave, he really wanted to have children and I couldn’t make it happen! For the longest time I felt like I was broken, that I failed as a wife and nobody would ever want me. I am now married to the sweetest guy in the world, who loves me even though I told him since day 1 that I couldn’t have a baby. Now more than ever I wish for a child, not to fulfill my wife duties, but because he would be the best dad in the world and our home has so much peace and love, the ideal place to raise someone. We are currently adopting an older child and getting ready to start fertility treatments.
    It never bothered me to see pregnant people being happy, talking and posting about their babies, gender announcements, etc. I love babies! And though I long for one, I never felt upset that someone else had one. The only thing that still bothers be is when people complain about their children. Some have even said: trust me, you’re lucky not to have children, they’re too much work! Then I want to run around throwing punches! 😛
    Thanks for your beautiful post, for being sensitive to our situation and raising awareness to a subject most people just ignore. It’s a daily pain that nobody can understand (unless you go through it), all the mother’s days, Halloweens, Christmases turn bittersweet. But the fact that some people care surely make it a little better!

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  251. KH

    You know, being on the “tried for years/IVF/just isn’t working out for us” end of this post – I can say that your friend is very, incredibly lucky to have you as a friend. I’d never ask a friend not to share their happiness, and I’m so very happy for them and love knowing how they’re doing, and sharing in their families. But tact and empathy sometimes could be practiced and that would help – you’ve clearly developed that for your friend. I find I prefer and love to be included and find hurt in NOT being included – but the best is a friend who asks me how or if I’d like to be included in their announcements and updates – they have the tact to ask me and although they don’t necessarily understand, they are empathizing with me and in return I can do the same for them and celebrate in their success. I recently had a miscarriage after going through IVF, the same week two of my very close gf’s gave birth to their second children and they were amazing, I love them dearly. But from a personal standpoint, your final paragraph made me tear up. For the entire post, thank you, I feel blessed to have stumbled upon this at this time <3

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  252. Anon

    Thank you for this! My first & third pregnancies were 1st trimester loss. My most recent loss was last year. It still hurts. I cannot begin to describe how hard it is to hear all the happy pregnancy stories. Of course I am happy for the couple, but so heartbroken over the babies I never got to meet this side of Heaven. I really needed to read this.

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  253. cateyes

    Bless you for this! I have found that most people have no empathy for someone who is infertile. You must be a very special person!! I didn’t get married until I was 46, not because I was busy living a selfish single life, as I have been accused, but because I didn’t meet the right person. We started trying for a child immediately even though we knew it was a long shot. Many, many cycles of IVF and a great deal of money later, nothing worked. Now, at 51, I am giving up. I thought I was so strong. I thought I could deal with this by myself. But I can’t. I cry all the time, I don’t sleep at all and life feels totally hopeless. I am not used to anyone caring or understanding. I am more used to people who say things like, “Well, what did you expect, you’re old!” This afternoon I must walk into my GP’s office, look at him and say, “I need help.” I can’t even begin to tell you how frightening this is, it’s just the final insult in a long line of kicks to the head. But I want you to know that your article has given me that small bit of courage I need to do this. Somebody does care. Thank you.

    Reply

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